Who The Hell Am I?

I’ve decided my pen name will be Autumn, because I love the name and its my favourite season of the year. The reason why I’ve decided not to use my real name is because what I’m going to be writing about will be brutually honest reflections of things that happen to me e.g. people I meet, dates I go on etc…

You may be thinking… “so what?” “and??” 

Well I’m quite paranoid and I’d prefer not to be hunted down and murdered by someone I’ve written about! As unrealistic and unlikely to happen as that might sound… I may just be the exception to the rule. (Unfortunately this is how my mind works lol)

Now why have I decided to start a blog?

Confession time. I attempted to start a blog a while back, and being the procrastinator that I am, I chose the worst possible time to do so. I was in the midst of studying for my finals and although I’ve always wanted to start a blog, I used it as a way of avoiding text books and revision notes. I wrote a few posts about what it was like to be single and how my unsuccessful dating life was going.

Guess what guys?? It’s a year later and NOTHING HAS CHANGED!!!!

I’m 26 and I’ve never been in a grown up relationship. My dating life can be described as “a series of unfortunate events…” No potential love interests have been located as yet, and when I say love interests I don’t mean it in a crazy- “I cant wait to fall in love with you after our first date,” but just someone worth dating, who actually wants to date me (that’s an important criteria).

If I’m being honest I’ve never really put myself out there, except signing up to a few mobile dating apps…. I HATE YOU TINDER!! 😥 However, I’m ready now more than ever to go all in and I’ve decided to write about it!

So as you may have figured this is not an advice blog. This is not place where you’ll learn the mysteries of men and how to lock one down, if I knew that my blog would be called Autumn’s Inner Thoughts: what it’s like to be deliriously in love (ahh one day… lol). However, I hope you enjoy reading about my experiences and hope in the very least you might learn what not to do.

As someone once said- “Learn from the mistakes of others, you can’t make them all yourself.”

Stay tuned

Love, Autumn x

 

 

My first dinner date & meeting the Pirate’s Band

I forgot I hadn’t written this post yet 🙊

I’m just going to bullet point the dates because it was last week and I can’t remember everything. Oops!

Dinner Date

  • Definitely went well
  • Wasn’t awkward at all
  • Hated having the table between us lol, I’ve gotten so used to snuggling up next to him at a bar or pub or bench that he felt soo far away lol
  • We spoke over dinner, he fed me a bite of his- I tried pulled pork for the first time, it was alright.
  • We looked like such a cute couple if I don’t say so myself. I saw people looking at us and smiling as we held hands across the table.
  • There was a little girl at the table next to us who was so cute, I couldn’t stop looking over and he couldn’t either. He looked at her with that kind of longing- “I can’t wait to have my own” look.
  • He paid the bill, wouldn’t hear of splitting it. I told him he can’t expect to always pay for everything and that next time it was on me… He said no lol but agreed to at least split the next meal.
  • Went for a walk afterwards, arm in arm.
  • I am soooooo “in like” with the pirate, it’s ridiculous😩❤️



Meeting the band

  • Believe it or not I got there on time. Actually, I arrived for the dinner date on time too 😏 look who’s getting better at time keeping
  • I was soo happy to see him and brought him a little gift. It was nothing really just a charging phone case. His iPhone has battery issues just like mine and it’s always almost about to die by the time we meet up so I got him one.
  • He was soo excited by it and kept pulling it out of his pocket to look at it throughout the night and would say oh my God it’s charging… Look 10%… Ahh it’s at 37 😅 he was Sooo cute! He thanked me and kissed me 😍
  • I was so nervous about meeting his band mates it was ridiculous. I was clinging to his arm.
  • He bought me a drink, he was drinking water as he was driving me all the way home (over an hours drive from the venue).
  • He told me not to be nervous and that he’s told them all about me. I said what if they don’t like me? He said don’t be silly they’ll love you. Then I said what if they think I’m lame? And he laughed and kissed me.
  • When he asked if I was ready to go downstairs where the band was I hesitated but went with him. He held my hand as he introduced me to them.
  • They all seemed nice but there was a live band downstairs and it was loud so we couldn’t talk and have an actual conversation.
  • The pirate seemed nervous himself. Not about me meeting his friends but about the venue. It was small and he said it smelled a little damp downstairs. It was cute that he wanted to warn me- I didn’t think it smelled downstairs.
  • Because of the small room the music was extremely loud. The pirate had already given me earplugs to minimise the sound so it didn’t hurt my ears. He told me that they all wear them when performing in small spaces.
  • He was also nervous about me seeing the band, but he needn’t have been. I lovedd it! They were really good, soo talented and such a unique sound. I was sooo proud to be with him, his date that is.
  • Seriously I got all emotional when he started singing and my eyes welled up a little. The crowd loved them too.
  • When they were packing up this older gentleman started talking to me. 😑 first about the band, how I know them etc.. Then if I’m a singing, I said no but he didn’t believe me lol the pirate doesn’t believe me either. Maybe I look like a singer 🤔
  • The guy spent the next 15 mins talking about how great south London is. I kept giving the pirate the eye to come save me lol. 
  • Later on I asked why he didn’t save me and he said- ohh I thought you were just looking at me. 😂😂😂 he needs to learn quickly!
  • He drove me home and we sang along to tunes on the radio. He kept muting the volume so he could hear me sing lol. 
  • I then played my own music which is super random- from sclub7 to disney, musical soundtracks like wicked, Rihanna, Ed Sheeran and Eminem.
  • When we got to my house, we made out in the car. I didn’t wanna leave. I love kissing him. I could kiss him forever 😩

I can’t wait to see him again, which will be tomorrow. He said that work has been late to pay him which is why he hasn’t asked me out again sooner. I told him we could do something inexpensive as I don’t care about what we do as long as I can see him and spend time with him. He was really happy about what I said but I honestly mean it. I’m not materialistic at all.  I may invite him over to hang out and watch a movie or something. Not gonna sleep with him for a while because 1) I’m not ready 2) I don’t want to until I know what we have is going to be something real, like it’s actually going somewhere 3) I’m scared about how much my feelings will intensify when they’re already quite intense.

1 more sleep ’til I’m in his arms again 😍

-Love, Autumn x

A glimpse of the magician

Yesterday, my cousin Summer and I went to do a viewing of this gorgeous 2 bed flat. Yeeeahh I’m moving out!! 😍

We were at London Bridge station when I saw him, with a petite young looking girl, my guess early twenties. They weren’t holding hands or anything just walking together towards the escalators and down they went.

When I first saw him my heart jumped into my throat and I stopped in my tracks and grabbed my cousins arm. I said omg Summer, that’s Craig wtf! She looked over and was like really?? That’s him? I nodded, not really moving for sheer fear that he might see me.

It’s weird how shaken I felt just by seeing him. London is a big place, I doubted I’d ever see him again. The unsettling feeling  remained for a few minutes while we walked away and I questioned what it all meant. Why was I so affected by him? I’m definitely over him, so maybe it was the shock of it. Who knows. I just hope I don’t see him again.

-Love, Autumn x

Mr X breaks his silence

Haven’t heard from Mr X since last Tuesday, today makes it a week. Today he messages me. Just a casual Hey, how you doing? message. Only it doesn’t feel casual. Immediately I start feeling anxious that he’s going to invite me over. If he does what will I say? I’m not ready to tell him about the pirate, it’s still early days with us, but it feels wrong to sleep with Mr X, because of how I feel about the pirate.

I know I don’t owe either of them anything, I’m still single after all. I just have a very strong conscience and I know I’d feel guilty about sleeping with Mr X now. My mum, sister and cousins are all #TeamPirate and have all in their own way said to sack it off with Mr X, but as I’ve said before, he means a lot to me and I still want him in my life, however selfish that may sound.

I think for now, I’ll just say I’m busy right now, which technically is true. I’ve got gym Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday and I’m seeing the pirate Wednesday and Friday. Fully booked this week, I’m afraid. As for next week I have Annual Leave on Monday and the pirate is trying to book the same day off so we can spend the day together, Tuesday is my cousin Summer’s birthday, Wednesday is gym, Thursday and Friday are free, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be seeing the pirate on one of those days.

The point to all this calendar sharing is that I schedule shit in advance and he doesn’t, and we know this about each other and try to make it work when we can. Soo… We’ll see what happens. I know I’ll have to say something to Mr X eventually, but I’ll wait until I feel like I really need to.

Please look at the flow of conversation between me and Mr X it’s weird it feels like he’s trying really hard to make conversation, it feels strained and I’m beginning to wonder if subconsciously I’ve changed our dynamic.



Strained? Or am I just overthinking things? I don’t know all I know is that I don’t like how it feels…

-Love, Autumn x

Date 3 with the pirate

Sooo I saw the pirate again last night.

I went to this virtual reality gaming place with my friend Noah which was shit, and had plans to meet the pirate at 6. It was 3pm and we were bored stiff so we decided to leave. I told Noah that I was going to see if the pirate could meet up earlier and he said he was just about to suggest that we all go for a drink somewhere in Central (London).

I messaged the pirate 


I sat there smiling from ear to ear when I realised I’d see him soon.

Noah forgot his ID so we went to his then made our way to Waterloo. I was happy that we got there before the pirate and for once he wouldn’t have to wait for me… Sighh you won’t believe what happened.

Noah got me into this game called fight list and we sat down and started playing it while we waited for him to arrive. I was struggling connecting to wifi and something told me to turn it off and check whatsapp… I found out he messaged me… He had been here for 20 mins. 

I felt like such a dick!

I called him and apologised, explaining what had happened, he just laughed and said it was okay. When he came over he gave me a hug and shook Noah’s hand as I introduced them. Then he kissed me and we set off to the bar. While the men got beers, I opted for a lemonade because I was still recovering from the worst hangover in my life (lasted 2 and a half days). That black out drunk experience is not one I ever want to relive again seriously, I was a disgusting mess but at least I was with my cousins and at an old mates house 🙈 haven’t seen the guy in 15 years and that’s how I end up… Shameful, although a little less shameful knowing he passed out before I did 🤔

Anyway I’m off track- drunk night = no alcohol. Noah, the pirate and I played a game called cards against humanity. I still think they were colluding against me… And I accused them of it, but they both just laughed 😑 to be fair, Noah was winning fair and square, but I’ve always been a bit of a sore loser. At one point I told each of them that we were in a fight, again they just laughed. 

I don’t know what possessed me but when Noah offered to get the next round I opted for a cider…. Mistake. I had just about gotten better, I was no longer feeing sick, but the cider took me back and I started feeling queasy again, so I stuck to water the rest of the night. I took the opportunity to ask each of them what they thought of the other when I was alone with them. They both pretty much said the same thing- I like him he’s a cool guy. Seriously they got on like a house on fire, I was Sooo happy I couldn’t stop smiling.

When Noah went to the bar to order food, the pirate leaned in a whispered into my ear- you look so beautiful, I know I’ve said this already, but I’m a lucky lucky man. I really like you. When I looked at his face, he looked like he really meant it and it was so unexpected and felt so raw that I became overwhelmed with emotion and kinda just froze a little. He asked if I was okay and I nodded and forced a smile, willing back tears. Later when we were messaging I told him how I felt and that his words really touched me.

Noah left us to go home and sleep after he’d eaten. We made out in our booth and he got a little handsy and bitey lol. He did this thing where he held my neck tightly as our kissing got more intense, I found it very hot, such a turn on. It reminded me of what the magician used to do during sex… Maybe choking is really “in” right now. After we left the bar things went a little down hill.

He told me he had planned to take me to dinner in Covent Garden but we were having so much fun with Noah, he thought we’d just leave it for another time. He wasn’t mad or upset, I just think he wanted me to know he had planned something and made an effort which was nice to know. 

Where it went down hill is the walking.

At first it was nice, walking hand in hand through the streets of London, making jokes, me pretending to be a tour guide spewing out random fake facts about the city. We saw these concrete slabs that had famous people etched into them and what they had achieved and followed them. He started being a creep and talking about Jack the Ripper while leading me down a dark alley and when I screamed and held on his arm because I saw a mouse, he jumped clutching his chest and told me I scared him lol

My legs started hurting, chafing and I was losing the will to live and it didn’t seem like he had a plan or knew where he was going but he was doing that man thing where they pretend they’ve got every under control- a human compass. Eventually we get to Soho after me complaining, dragging my feet and him giving me a piggy back ride, but everywhere is closing down. We then head to Covent Garden. I tell him that the reason I don’t like walking is because when I was 12 years old I got hit by a car and shattered my femur and broke my hip so it’s painful for me to walk long distances. 

Pirate (P)-Really?

Me- yeah, but I’m good, I bounced ba just, I’m a real survivor.

P-are you serious?

Me- yesss I am

P- (stares at me) are you fucking with me?

I smile sweetly and say  yeah and call him gullible. He laughed and said damn it, I knew it! And when I said I did get stung by a bee once he laughed at the comparison between the two. This became a theme of theme of the night him bringing up insects like- oh and don’t forget the moth incident of 2006 and I’d already have a bullshit story lined up for it.

We finally got to Covent Garden which I had never been to before and sat on this really cute flower decorated bench. Where we made out and talked the rest of the night. I was lying back with my head on his lap when I decided to bring up something he said while at the bar with Noah. It was just that he was going to a Caribbean restaurant on Tuesday. I said- Sooo Caribbean restaurant and he said yeah, all smiles, no idea what I had in store for him.

Me-hmm okay

Pirate (P)- what is it?

Me- nothing (turn away)

P- I’m going with the band after the interview.

Me- hmm okay, I guess you just forgot what Tuesday is

P- oh shit tell me

Me- Naaah it’s all good, I guess it just wasn’t that important to you.

He starts racking his brain coming up with lots of random ideas and I’m like no don’t worry about it it’s fine. He says I have have no idea what it is and starts apologising. Then he looks at me and says you’re fucking with me again aren’t you and I burst out laughing. Seriously he’s so gullible. I may seem like a nightmare to some of you, but I was pretty sure that it would be in line with his type of humour so the joke was a success. He simply kissed me after and said that he should’ve trusted his instincts because he had already told me that Tuesday was the one day he definitely couldn’t do this week. 

After chatting some more we kept looking back at one of the stores behind us, they all had glass windows so you could see straight through them. We would look at each other and nod our heads over to where the shop was. Then I said are you thinking what I’m thinking? He said yeah and I said let’s do it right now let’s go and he said you first so I was like okay cool here’s the plan. First we dance over to the store like a bunch of crazy kids then I jump kick you through the glass so it shatters and we’re inside now my story will be that I simply had a leg spasm. He is nodding along at this point then I say I’ll bend down looking like I’m helping you meanwhile shoving make up products into your jacket then I help you up and help you hobble your way to the station. He says okay I see where you’re going with this will you leave me at the station by myself and I said well I guess I’ll have what I wanted so maybe but it’s all good I trust you can get home alone. I asked if he was ready and he bursts out laughing and said I crack him up, especially the jump kick part.

When we finally get up to leave and go home, I say lets do it and we start walking towards The shop the pirate says wait we’re not doing this right we have to dance over to the shop so we start dancing over to the shop and then I say jump kick and do a very poor jump kick (not at him)and we laugh and link arms and walk to the station. 

He rushes to get his train meanwhile I’ve realised I’ve missed my last one again and I’m soo not getting the night bus alone… Too many creeps so I get an uber which was surprisingly less than I thought it would be but the driver kept going on about making sure I don’t make make a mess on his seats- I was eating MacDonald’s 😂

All in all another great night. I was really pleased that the pirate and Noah got on so well.   I’m seeing him again on Wednesday- we’re going to dinner… My first ever dinner date 🙊 He also invited me up to Kent to see his band perform. I said of course and I’m really excited to see him on stage. I asked if his family would be there because I’m not ready to meet them  and he said he’s 95% sure they won’t be, but he’ll check because he doesn’t want me to feel uneasy and he really wants me to be there. I’m already super nervous about meeting his band mates, family would be too much. I don’t think I’m all that good with new people sigh. For now I’ll focus on our dinner date on Wednesday.

As my sister Winter, said to me today- girl, this is a big deal, put on your fake smile and fake it til you make it… Don’t be stingy with the god damn mascara.

😂😂😂😂

-Love, Autumn x

Date 2 with the pirate

I feel so emotional right now.

I’m on my way home from date 2 with the pirate, wearing his jacket and I could not feel happier, how did I get here? The way I feel about him, is the way I feel after having sex with someone I like- the fake feeling of love, the “I want to be around you all the time” feeling that oxytocin brings to the table.

I didn’t think I could feel like this about someone so soon and before we’ve had sex. The feeling scares me so much, it’s so intense it’s making me teary eyed, but I’m determined not to cry because I think it’s ridiculous to cry because you’re having intense feelings for someone.

Anyway, let me tell you about the date.

I was late again… Shocker! Seriously I’m not even doing it on purpose, I rushed out of the house and somehow I was still 20 mins late. I felt awful, especially because I had planned to bring a flask of dark rum (his favourite) to the date. The date which I planned 😏

I’ve never planned a date before, I’ve never been so nervous and wanted a date to go so well. I was worried he’d think it was lame or just wouldn’t enjoy himself. I booked this ghost bus tour of London and he loved it. It was funny and we learned so much about London that we had no idea about.  


I said to my sister, the day before the date, that I’ve realised the true measure of how I feel about someone is linked to losing Mr X. I have to feel like being with that person will be worth losing him, and right now I’m kinda feeling that way… Although it might have something to do with the fact that Mr X has pissed me off again 🤔

One thing that’s clear is that I really do like the pirate. After the ghost bus tour we headed to a nearby pub called the Sherlock or Sherlock Holmes, it’s opposite the Strand, Trafalga Square. The pirate asked me what I wanted to drink and I was so wrapped up in my thoughts, staring and smiling at him like an idiot that I couldn’t think of a drink so I said I’ll have what he’s having… Mistake. It was a bitter ale drink that was awful. Mine didn’t even taste cold, I tried his which was somehow colder and said I was taking his, he laughed and said okay. He could see I was struggling with the taste by the look on my face and offered to get me a different drink but I said it was okay. We talked until the place closed. I was telling him about something that happened when I was doing my masters and he stopped me and said- you have a masters? I said yeah in child psychology and he just stared at me with disbelief and said “how can one person be so beautiful, intelligent, funny and down to earth?”

Swooooooon!

He kept staring at me after that and I laughed and told him to stop! We also spoke about this documentary about growing up gay, that my friend Noah was on, we spoke about our family. He remembered my parents and siblings names casually using them like he’s known me for ages 🙊 I was impressed. We spoke about weddings we’d been to because he was talking about his sister’s one, it led to us taking about what we wanted ours (not together) to be like. 

After we got chucked out-the waitress actually started stacking chairs on top of tables around us and said they were closing and we had to leave lol. We took a walk, arm in arm, around the streets of London and he pretended to be a tour guide, reciting facts about places we had heard on the ghost bus tours. Anyone that knows me, knows I hate walking, but with him I almost didn’t realise how long I was walking for. During the walk he asked if I was cold and gave me his jacket 😩 all I was thinking is can this guy get any sweeter??

We walked to this open area outside of the National Gallery Museum and sat on the edge of the fountain.

I tried to push him into the water a couple times, but I failed lol. We sat and talked for agesss and we spoke about when we’d see each other next. He asked when I was free and I said tomorrow!!! and he laughed. He’s got rehearsal tomorrow and a party/gig thing on Saturday so we may see each other again on Sunday 😍

We stayed mindful of the time so he wouldn’t miss his train again and he made it with 1 minute to spare lol he gave me a quick kiss goodbye and ran for his train. After he left I asked the guy at the station which way was the underground. He proceeded to tell me there were no more trains so I’m like nah it’s cool it’s 24 hours and he said yeah on the weekend 😂🙈 shit! I went and stood at the bus stop for 15mins then said fuck it and booked an uber.

I started writing this in the uber when emotions were high. I really didn’t want to say goodbye to him. For now, as I’m wrapped up in his jacket enjoying the smell of him like the creep I am, I’ll just look forward to the next time I see him. 

It’s really refreshing spending time with someone who really doesn’t seem to be playing games. He doesn’t bring up sex at all which makes me think about it even more 🤔 is that his plan? Mind games? Lol but seriously I want to wait with him because I have a feeling when/if we do get there it’s going to be a new experience for me, something really special.

Also, this might be premature, but I deleted Tinder from my phone this morning 👀

-Love, Autumn x

Taking things slow 

I’ve recently been thinking about what it will feel like when I’ve met someone I really like and they want to be exclusive. The thought chills me.

It’s weird I’ve wanted to be in a relationship, in love, for such a long time, but I don’t feel ready to dedicate myself to one guy alone.

I don’t know what long term relationships feel like, I’ve only ever had one shitty relationship when I was 18 with a guy I thought I loved, and that only lasted 5 months before he dumped my sorry ass right before our A Level exams.

That breakup killed me and for a long time I pretended I was unaffected. The truth is although I was devastated, heartbroken and cried for weeks, the reflection on how shallow our relationship was what struck a cord with me. We saw each other at school, he had no time for me after school, we spoke on msn where I often helped him with his homework and saw each other outside of school occasionally. It was clear I liked him more than he liked me- at the time I thought it was love, now I’m older I can see it was a mix of emotional attachment to the guy I lost my virginity to, and damn oxytocin doing what it does best- fooling women into thinking they feel more for a guy than they really do.

I’ve avoided relationships ever since

Exclusivity is like a double edged sword; there’s security, but at the same time I see it as a chain around my neck. I think it’s partly because I’m not sure if I’m ready to change my relationship with Mr X. I meet a guy and I ask myself who I like more… Mr X always comes out on top, it’s annoying. He’s been my emotional anchor for so long I’m afraid of what will happen if I let him go to be with someone and it doesn’t work out with that said someone. Mr X puts up with a lot of my bullshit, he apologises when he’s wrong, he’s even started calling me randomly to see how I’m doing and initiating meet ups. In a world where things go so sour for me so quickly, it’s understandable why I’m afraid, why I’m reluctant to let him go, which is why exclusivity is off the table for me until I’m sure the guy is worth losing Mr X.

All this talk of exclusivity is because the pirate seems like the type of guy to try and lock down a girl he likes quickly. I’m his second tinder date, the first led quickly to a relationship that lasted 6 months and ended because she wanted a more casual arrangement. I like him a lot and I’m sure he’d make a good boyfriend someday, but we’re only on date 2. It does feel like we’ve known each other longer though, maybe it’s because the pirate and I are quite full on in terms of communication. We text a lot throughout the day, which I like. He showers me with compliments about how beautiful I am and tells me he can’t wait to see me again. It’s a nice change and I love the way he makes me feel, but I’m painfully aware that this is how I felt about the magician in the beginning. People change and it’s early days. 

I don’t want to fall into bed with the pirate until I’m sure it will be something more than just a casual sexual encounter. I told him the next time I have sex I want it to mean something. He said he understood and that he doesn’t have meaningless sex… We’ll see.

I’m seeing him tonight for our second date! Wish me luck, especially because I planned it and it’s the first time I’ve ever planned a date before 🙈

-Love, Autumn x

A bloody awesome date

Friday: 28th July 2017

He’s at the bar as I’m writing this lol I’m having so much fun that I couldn’t even wait til I got home to start writing. I really want this post to be filled with the feeling I’m feeling right now, if you know what I mean. I definitely take a little while to warm up to somebody, it was that case with Mr X and the magician and the same goes for the pirate. 

He is such a great hang! He’s made me laugh Sooo much without even trying really it’s so damn natural it’s crazy. We have these moments when we just look at each other and start laughing. What the hell we’re laughing at I have no idea. It’s not awkward at all.

He’s coming back!!! Lol

The rest I wrote after the date like a normal person.

I’m a bit of a weirdo, which I think a lot of you have already figured out at his point so when I told him my cousins and sister call me Spilly because of my tendency to spill drinks and he thought I said smelly, he leaned into my neck smelled me and said its not true lol. He proceeded to keep leaning in and smelling me and said I smelled great. I’m aware this may sound weird or creepy but that’s what made me enjoy it even more haha 😅 what am I like? 

Let me rewind a bit though.

The pirate came compliments of Tinder as most of my guys do these days. He was everything I wanted from the magician- attentive, responsive and he actually made an effort organising a time to meet up. I put a little pressure on him by saying I wanted to do something fun, beyond the normal realm of sitting drinking and talking. He took me to this bar in shoreditch where there was live music but neither of us had cash to pay entry and they wouldn’t take card so we ended up sitting and talking after all. We sat on this bench and at several points in the night people came over and asked if they could sit, as there were several stools around the table we were sitting at. 

This one group of girls who sat down kept looking at us and one girl said are you on a tinder date? I was like how the hell does she know that?? When we said yes she laughed and said I knew it then asked the pirate what he’d rate the date so far out of ten. He said ten straight away making the girls swoon with ooohs and ahhhs. Charmer! I reciprocated with a ten and after they squealed a bit they said they’d leave us to it and chose to sit at a table that had just become free.

The couple that took their place were too wrapped up in each other to bother us, but the man had a laugh that could disturb people at the other end of the bar! It was so damn loud. The pirate and I kept exchanging glances every time he laughed. At first it was funny but then it got annoying because we were trying to talk. Laughing man aside, the rest of the night went smoothly. He was a perfect gentleman and he paid for everything even though I offered to buy a round. 

A few things about the pirate:

  1. He’s a 29 year old musician 
  2. He has shoulder length hair 
  3. He’s mums only son and has 2 younger sisters
  4. He has nice lips 😏
  5. He once dressed up at Jack Sparrow and has a picture of it… Super hot! We’ve already agreed that if there’s a date 5 he has to wear it. I have to play guitar and sing because for some reason he thinks I’m a really good singer just because I have a picture of me and my guitar on tinder lol. I can hold a note but I’m no Rihanna. O Na Na!

I have this thing I do where I put a time limit on a date to give myself an out in case the guy is boring, so I told him in advance that I had to leave at 10pm because I had work early the next day. We were meeting for 8:30pm but he agreed. He arrived at wary at 8 and of course I arrived late at 8:40pm. I honestly felt so bad. I was messaging him along the way and bless him he was really cool about it and said he went to get a coffee and was people watching. 

The reason I bring up the time thing is because we talked until the bar closed after 3am. My little curfew flew out of the window. We drank cocktails and I told him that I’m allergic to vodka (it makes me ill for daysss even if I only have a sip of it. I told him how crazy vodka makes me and he joked about ordering every vodka based drink from the menu. True to my nickname I spilled my drink twice. The pirate did this thing where he moved my legs away from the table and said he was protecting them from getting wet but really he seemed to be copping a feel. I laughed and told him I was on to him then called me a perv which we both laughed at.

There was a porn like video on the screen in the bar with a woman walking about with her tits out and somehow it led us to the topic of porn. It was a hilarious conversation and somehow I came out of it a bigger perv than him. We were quite open with each other about what we liked to watch genre etc… And I accused him of having a fetish for black girls which he laughed at and denied.

There were several moments when we were sitting close to each other, when we would just stare at each other. I wanted him to kiss me and I think he was gauging if it would be alright, then he finally leaned in, gently held my chin and kissed me so softly and tenderly. It was amazing and I wanted more! When he kissed me again I grabbed his face and our kisses turned more passionate and desperate as I ran my fingers through his shoulder length hair and he gently bit my lip. When we pulled apart we smiled at each other like a pair of school kids who just had their first kiss.

Because of how late it was none of my siblings were awake and I didn’t have a key so I felt pretty fucked. I didn’t know where I’d be sleeping. After freaking out a little my older brother phoned me and told me to come and crash at his. The pirate said he was happy I sorted things and that if anything he would’ve just paid for me to stay at the holiday inn tonight. He’s so damn cute!

I’m really glad I went on this date, we’re going out again on Thursday. The moral of the story is- just go on the date even if you’re not really feeling it, he could turn out to be pretty damn great ☺️

Love, Autumn x

Self Reflections & A date 

For once I’m not hiding how I feel from myself. I’m opening admitting I feel confused, hurt, a little empty after cutting ties completely with the Magician. I think that being honest with myself means I’ve made more progress in my own self development. Here I am trying to pick out the positives from my encounter with him:

  1. I learned how relaxed I can be with someone new, if we have the right chemistry.
  2. I learned what it feels like to experience PDA and that I like it 😍
  3. I learned that fuck boys come in many different forms
  4. I learned that I can confidently tell a guy I won’t do certain things unless he gets tested (std test).
  5. I learned I can walk away from someone I really like, if they’re not adding enough to my life.
  6. I had great sex and was comfortable throughout all of it.

Number 5 is a major one for me. As I said in my previous post, I’ve always found it difficult to walk away. Even when I’ve known it was over, the guy didn’t care about me or that I was being used, I would wait for the guy to end things. 

I’m back on Tinder, fishing for new Tinderites. I’ve got a Fri-date tomorrow with a musician. I’m not really into musicians, but there was something that drew me in with this guy. Then I found out he’s 5ft8 which threw me a little, but I’m 5ft4 and hate wearing heels so I pushed past it. Then I saw more pictures from Instagram and didn’t find him that attractive anymore 🙈 

I’m trying not to be shallow and I’ll give him a chance, but I’m not really feeling it at the moment. It’s funny, he’s so sweet and his replies are timely, which is what I’ve been complaining about recently😅

Why can’t I just take the features and qualities I like from guys I’ve encountered to create my dream guy??

I’ll update you on how my date goes… Fingers crossed.

-Love, Autumn x

Third and Final goodbye to the Magician 🖕🏽

I’m fuming… Kinda.

As many of you may have gathered , the magician has consistently revealed his true colours as a prick!!

I’m a person who gives chances.

I gave him an out when I sent him that message about him obviously being too busy for this to go anywhere. Yet he didn’t take that out, he invited me for drinks, cuddled and kissed me and told me he was sorry for his lack of communication, and I ate it all up.

I licked the plate cleeeean of his bullshit, just like I ate up the bullshit he served on our first date.

Damn he knows how to cook up a fresh slice of bullshit pie.

We were supposed to have a date this Friday. The date we had originally planned to be our first. I was really looking forward to it, it seemed like this was his way of making things up to me, but as usual communication went dead. No texts nothing…. But I can see you online though… But I can see you posting bullshit online though… Don’t piss me off.

My original plan was to wait for him to flake on our Friday date and then send me some shifty excuse to which I would respond with this message:

Thanks for finally getting back to me. Better late than never I guess… That being said, you really screwed up by flaking on this date. This isn’t how I want people to treat me, and so, as much as I enjoy spending time with you, we can’t continue. I still think you’re a great guy and there was a lotttt I wanted to do with you and to you lol 😏😋 but I can’t afford to catch feelings for someone who’s *just not that into me*. It’s all good though 😊

However, I met a new Tinderite with potential and he’s free Friday and really wants to see me, so I don’t want to waste a perfectly good evening, being forgotten about, when I could be out with a new guy . So I sent the magician this:

I really wanna strangle you right now and not in the hot sweaty sexy way!! Can you let me know in advance that you’re too busy/forgot/don’t wanna go on our Friday date so I can make other plans please 😉 thanks x

He’s read it but he hasn’t reaponded yet… Shocker!

So yeah let’s wait and see, he’s got til the end of the day, tomorrow morning if I start feeling a little more forgiving… I don’t see that happening though.

….

So it’s the evening and I’m lying in bed, with no reply, I find myself no longer feeling angry, but upset, hurt even. I know I deserve better, but I’ve always been someone who seeks to understand why people do the things they do. A major aspect of my job is about analysing behaviour, so of course I don’t feel mentally or emotionally satisfied by this ending without knowing why.

Why was he so sweet to me last time I saw him, the way he showered me with public affection even when he knew sex was off the table. Sigh… I’m being ridiculous he probably thought all the affection was his was of getting sex.

I’m an idiot. I should’ve seen the warning signs. I really do think that this is the end of the magician now. The last two times I wrote my goodbye to him, I had hope the lingered within me. Now, I just feel hurt, foolish, he played me like a damn violin.

So for the final time. It’s time to say goodbye to The Magician. When the hurt fades a little, I’ll go back over everything to remind myself of when to walk away. I’ve always had a problem with walking away.

It’s time. I deleted him from my phone ages ago, but Facebook remains. Some may say it’s immature to delete a guy from your life in this way, but I can’t stand to see him online several times throughout the day, and see him share posts and comment on other people’s posts on Facebook, all while ignoring my messages.

It’s not right. I’m so much better than this! Some day someone is going to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. It’s just so draining to be treated like shit by so many men. Sleep with them early or make them wait, in my experience it makes no difference, it always ends the same way.

So I’ll delete him, have a little cry (it’s all therapeutic and it’s more about how I fee about how I’ve been treated by men overall than just him) and then watch “It’s only sunny in Philadelphia” on Netflix until I fall asleep.

Night

Love, Autumn x

My dating lag

I haven’t really been in the mood to go on any dates recently… Not that I’ve been asked lol. I always make up excuses in my head to justify my behaviour, but this time I couldn’t even think of an excuse to explain what it was that was stopping me from making the effort to put myself out there more.

I know it’s got nothing to do with Mr X or the magician, because things are great with Mr X and he’s supportive of me dating, and I’m very aware that the magician has one strike left that may expire on Friday. So I know I’m in need of fresh meat.

So what the hell is it?

The last couple of guys I’ve been taking to have been very ambitious and hardworking, which is great for them, but means they didn’t have any time for me. Now I’m a firm believer of the saying- “if a guy really likes you, he’ll make time for you.” 

A man will show effort for the woman he wants in his life. If he’s busy, he’ll send her a message saying he wishes he had the time to take her out but he’s got a lot on at the minute. Maybe he’ll try to schedule a date in advance for after his busy period is over. He won’t go off the radar until then though. Oh no, he’ll send her texts so she’s knows he’s still interested and thinking of her. Maybe he’ll give her a couple calls.

Listen up douche bags!! I don’t care how busy you are, you can take 2 minute out of your day to call/text someone and let them know you’re thinking of them. If you’re not that interested and you choose to spend those two minutes watching porn or having a quick yank then hey,  go for it, who am I to judge?

Anyways, I’m going to throw myself back into the dating world so it’s back to Tinder and maybe I’ll give a couple other apps a try. Maybe I’ll write a post comparing them.🤔 we’ll see.

-Love, Autumn x