This isn’t love

I know I’m supposed to write about my date with Mario and how dinner and drinks with my mate Noah and cousin Summer led to meeting Mr Manager, but I have something to get off my chest, so here goes.

Today I was trying to access some work documents on google drive and came across an old chat history between me and Mr X. As I skimmed through it, I felt myself getting emotional. I began asking myself silly questions like- how comes he doesn’t call me babe anymore? Why doesn’t he seem as interested anymore? Of course, I know the answer…

That was a time where I was still a mystery to him. I was exciting, a possibility rather a given. I was unpredictable, there wasn’t much he knew about me… He was in chase mode.

I know it’s stupid to feel sad that things are no longer as they were, that’s life. People grow apart, love and friendships die, it happens, but it still hurts. I haven’t cried over Mr X in a while, but as I write this I find myself wiping a few tears away. It’s moments like this when I question how I truly feel about him.

The old me would’ve declared my love for him, not to his face, but to loved ones and I’d have no problem admitting it to myself. However, I read an article recently about oxytocin and how it can trick you into thinking you’re in love when really it’s just chemicals messing with you. So it’s made me question everything.

When you’re in love you’re supposed to want to do anything to make that person happy. There’s not much you wouldn’t do for them. I feel that way about Mr X, but it’s not love. He means a lot to me, I care so much about him and it hurts to think he probably doesn’t feel the same way. He probably doesn’t think about me as much as I think about him. No… There’s no probably about it. He doesn’t think about me as much as I think about him.

Shit! This isn’t love!

I’ve always wondered how a guy can sleep with a girl, but not care about her feelings, not that Mr X doesn’t care about my feelings. I’m sure he does in his own way. He ran me a bath once. I was going to his house after a training course and I was so tired and really wanted one. It wasn’t spontaneous or anything, I asked for the bath, but he lit candles for me and joined me and it was the most romantic and sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. I bet you can imagine how messed up my mind was that night as I lay wide awake next to him, but even then I had to remind myself- this isn’t love!

I’ve been told by so many people that I need to let him go and move on. Maybe they’re right, but I can’t do that right now. In a world where I feel sad so much of the time, where I feel so lonely and where I sometimes struggle to find meaning in it all… Knowing he’s in my life, thinking about the way he makes me feel (on a good day), makes me feel a little better. Still… it’s not love!

I know I shouldn’t use him as an emotional crutch and he doesn’t know I’m doing it so surely it’s not so bad. I feel like I’m rambling so I’m gonna wrap this up. There aren’t anymore tears now so I think that writing this has helped. I still want to send him a message, talk to him, but I won’t because I don’t think I can be trusted not to say something super weird right now, plus I know he’s with his boys tonight.

I think I’ll do a quick workout (who am I kidding), finish writing my notes for work (unlikely) and go to bed (more like fall asleep watching old episodes of The Walking Dead). All of a sudden it feels like it’s been a long day when I know it hasn’t. It’s time to get my mind off Mr X and onto some zombiess. Night x

Love, Autumn x

2 comments

  1. L. Rorschach · April 30

    Do what you need to feel better, even if it means using him as an emotional crutch. There’s nothing wrong with that! You’ll know when it’s time to move on. Until then, enjoy the little moments that bring you joy. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

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