I’ve got this tight feeling in my chest and it’s because I feel like I’m in a relationship, but without any of the good stuff.
Let me explain.
Mr X and I once had a chat that kind of sounded like it was about sexual exclusivity. Now, I’ve never been someone to be sleeping with more than one person at a time, I’ve got nothing against it, in fact these days I find myself drawn to the idea, almost craving sexual freedom, but then I think about him.
I know I don’t owe him anything. We’re not together, we haven’t even declared that what we’re doing is friends with benefits… He once referred to me as his other lover the first being his best Mate (a guy he’s known since he was a kid), I kinda liked the sound of it… Saucyyyy, lecherous. Mr X’s lover 😍
What wasn’t okay, is when he referred to me, in jest, as his girlfriend… I could’ve killed him. I should’ve put on my crazy hat, upped the anti and played wife.
I was at his house and a contractor came over. Mr X was all apologetic as if he hadn’t already warned me, more than once, that this was happening today. I was fine, the tv was on, I was drinking an ice cold cider he had poured me- no complaints here. The guy came in said hello to me and began talking to Mr X. I overheard him talking about security in the house and he (the contractor) referred to me as Mr X’s missus, saying something like “I don’t think the missus would like that much.” He then asked him if I was the girlfriend or wife. You know my ears had pricked up big time, at this point, even though I was pretending to be fully engrossed in the TV. Somehow the conversation quickly shifted without him having to answer, I think Mr X offered him something to drink- he wanted a coffee.
Mr X went to put the kettle on and I followed him into the kitchen, watching him by the doorway as I sometimes do. He kissed me and said- you’re my girlfriend not my wife. I knew it didn’t mean anything and it was just a role he had cast me in, but being a guy (no offence guys) he didn’t think about how I’d feel. He didn’t think about how the thought of being his girlfriend would make me feel. I still think about it today. That’s one thing about Mr X he’ll sometimes say something without thinking about my feelings. It’s never anything malicious, I just genuinely feel that he has no idea what he’s doing. Next time he does something like that I’ll call him out on it. He needs to start thinking before he opens his damn mouth…
Don’t refer to me as your girlfriend, don’t bring up meeting my family and cooking for them, don’t talk about the future as if we have one, when you’ve made it clear that we don’t.
You may be wondering why I don’t just walk away… I’ve asked myself that a hundred times. I’ve had this “I can’t” vs “I don’t want to” battle in my head. All I know is he means a lot to me. Who the hell knows why.
I do know that I need to have this sexual exclusivity conversation with him though. Last time we had the talk his response was that he’s not seeing anybody else- neither was I. I’m not seeing anyone now either… Not in the way I’m seeing him, but I’ve started putting myself out there and going on dates. I haven’t told him yet, I’m hesitant, but I feel like I need to. Maybe I haven’t because that thought of him dating drives me crazy, maybe it’s because I think it’ll be over between us (the friendship as well as the benefits).
I think the reason I’m craving sexual freedom is because I’m feeling the most sexual I’ve ever felt in my life and I’m not being able to express it enough. I’ve always been quite sexually repressed and now it feels like all the sexual thoughts, fantasies, desires that I kept bottled up over the years are bubbling to the surface and need to be released before I explode. I’m simply not getting enough sex from Mr X. I can’t survive on sex once every 2 or 3 months, once a month (at best) and he doesn’t seem willing to provide more. I feel like I’m chasing him for sex sometimes and I hate the way it makes me feel, especially because there are at least two guys I know who have made it crystal clear that they want to have sex with me (and they’re both quite attractive). I just can’t stand it when guys try to pressure me to have sex it’s such a turn off.
I need to talk to him
I always try to plan these things in my head and it usually goes something like this. Do it face to face, at his house, but do it after you’ve already had sex so if he’s upset/ annoyed by what you have to say and no longer wants to have sex, then at least you’ve already done it once… 🙈 It feels kind of shady, for lack of a better word, but that’s the way my mind works. I usually end up just doing it through text though- partly due to me being a wuss the other part due to the fact that I’m working abroad. So I either have to wait forever for the off chance that I’ll get to see him when I’m back home or just get it off my chest and tell him via text.
I’ll be home next week so I think I might be able to hold out until then. I’ll keep you posted.
-Love, Autumn x