Sexual Exclusivity with Mr X 

I’ve got this tight feeling in my chest and it’s because I feel like I’m in a relationship, but without any of the good stuff. 

Let me explain.

Mr X and I once had a chat that kind of sounded like it was about sexual exclusivity. Now, I’ve never been someone to be sleeping with more than one person at a time, I’ve got nothing against it, in fact these days I find myself drawn to the idea, almost craving sexual freedom, but then I think about him.

I know I don’t owe him anything. We’re not together, we haven’t even declared that what we’re doing is friends with benefits… He once referred to me as his other lover the first being his best Mate (a guy he’s known since he was a kid), I kinda liked the sound of it… Saucyyyy, lecherous. Mr X’s lover 😍

What wasn’t okay, is when he referred to me, in jest, as his girlfriend… I could’ve killed him. I should’ve put on my crazy hat, upped the anti and played wife. 

I was at his house and a contractor came over. Mr X was all apologetic as if he hadn’t already warned me, more than once, that this was happening today. I was fine, the tv was on, I was drinking an ice cold cider he had poured me- no complaints here. The guy came in said hello to me and began talking to Mr X. I overheard him talking about security in the house and he (the contractor) referred to me as Mr X’s missus, saying something like “I don’t think the missus would like that much.” He then asked him if I was the girlfriend or wife. You know my ears had pricked up big time, at this point, even though I was pretending to be fully engrossed in the TV. Somehow the conversation quickly shifted without him having to answer, I think Mr X offered him something to drink- he wanted a coffee.

Mr X went to put the kettle on and I followed him into the kitchen, watching him by the doorway as I sometimes do. He kissed me and said- you’re my girlfriend not my wife. I knew it didn’t mean anything and it was just a role he had cast me in, but being a guy (no offence guys) he didn’t think about how I’d feel. He didn’t think about how the thought of being his girlfriend would make me feel. I still think about it today. That’s one thing about Mr X he’ll sometimes say something without thinking about my feelings. It’s never anything malicious, I just genuinely feel that he has no idea what he’s doing. Next time he does something like that I’ll call him out on it. He needs to start thinking before he opens his damn mouth…

Don’t refer to me as your girlfriend, don’t bring up meeting my family and cooking for them, don’t talk about the future as if we have one, when you’ve made it clear that we don’t. 

You may be wondering why I don’t just walk away… I’ve asked myself that a hundred times. I’ve had this “I can’t” vs “I don’t want to” battle in my head. All I know is he means a lot to me. Who the hell knows why. 

I do know that I need to have this sexual exclusivity conversation with him though. Last time we had the talk his response was that he’s not seeing anybody else- neither was I. I’m not seeing anyone now either… Not in the way I’m seeing him, but I’ve started putting myself out there and going on dates. I haven’t told him yet, I’m hesitant, but I feel like I need to. Maybe I haven’t because that thought of him dating drives me crazy, maybe it’s because I think it’ll be over between us (the friendship as well as the benefits).

I think the reason I’m craving sexual freedom is because I’m feeling the most sexual I’ve ever felt in my life and I’m not being able to express it enough. I’ve always been quite sexually repressed and now it feels like all the sexual thoughts, fantasies, desires that I kept bottled up over the years are bubbling to the surface and need to be released before I explode. I’m simply not getting enough sex from Mr X. I can’t survive on sex once every 2 or 3 months, once a month (at best) and he doesn’t seem willing to provide more. I feel like I’m chasing him for sex sometimes and I hate the way it makes me feel, especially because there are at least two guys I know who have made it crystal clear that they want to have sex with me (and they’re both quite attractive). I just can’t stand it when guys try to pressure me to have sex it’s such a turn off.

I need to talk to him

I always try to plan these things in my head and it usually goes something like this. Do it face to face, at his house, but do it after you’ve already had sex so if he’s upset/ annoyed by what you have to say and no longer wants to have sex, then at least you’ve already done it once… 🙈 It feels kind of shady, for lack of a better word, but that’s the way my mind works. I usually end up just doing it through text though- partly due to me being a wuss the other part due to the fact that I’m working abroad. So I either have to wait forever for the off chance that I’ll get to see him when I’m back home or just get it off my chest and tell him via text.

I’ll be home next week so I think I might be able to hold out until then. I’ll keep you posted.

-Love, Autumn x 

22 comments

  1. The V Pub · May 15

    Face to face is best for these types of conversations. Hopefully things will improve!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Raja · May 15

    You might never know what Mr X himself shut’s up inside of him……. because most men would make so much use of that Fwb title (well unless he is different from most men) to think of it that he doesn’t take you as a sex toy, obviously he values you more than just for the sex……..

    Liked by 3 people

    • He definitely does value me more but if we’re not going to ever be in a relationship (which we’re not) and we’re going to have a sexual relationship then I think we need more sex lol otherwise we may as well just be straight up friends which I’m cool with

      Liked by 1 person

  3. indiangirldating · May 15

    It is like we are going through the same thing right now….these mixed feelings of having someone in our life that we know maybe we should think about letting go but can’t seem to….

    Liked by 1 person

    • Absolutelyyyy. For me it sucks that the one decent guy I’ve met that treats me with more respect than all the previous guys put together, doesn’t eve want kids so there’s no future there! Suuuckkksssss

      Like

  4. indiangirldating · May 15

    I firmly believe everything will make perfect sense when you meet the one. He will show you instantaneously why it wasn’t supposed to work out with anyone else but him. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yesssssss me tooo!!! I’m really looking forward to that day! I just don’t want it to be when I’m like 60 😭

      Liked by 1 person

      • chelsealee7 · May 15

        #storyofmylife Where is the damn guy? I am waiting!?
        Great post, Autumn! I think we have all had one relationship like this. It helps us grow.

        Liked by 2 people

      • Thankyou and yes I think I’ve definitely grown and got to experience quite a few “firsts”😊 and lol yep we’re all waiting

        Liked by 1 person

  5. bone&silver · May 15

    Every woman has the right to have as much sex as she wants, whenever she wants. Do not let a man dictate your behavior to you. Take your courage in both hands, sit down calmly with him, or go for a walk in the park, & tell him you don’t want exclusivity; own your sexual desire! Life is too short, & sex is too good, to be going without. And you can still be lovers with Mr X, or else be released from an unsatisfactory ‘relationship’… just my opinion (& experience) from over here in Oz, at the ripe old liberated age of 50! Good luck honey 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    • 😍 I love this comment!! You’re absolutely right I shouldn’t deny myself any longer. Hopefully I can arrange to meet with him next week so we can finally have this chat! 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  6. L. Rorschach · May 16

    I can so relate to this! *cough Hayden cough*

    I think it’s sweet that he referred to you as his girlfriend. But, also, what else could he really say? Telling the contractor you were a FWB would have been TMI. You ARE a girl friend, after all.

    Sex once every 2-3 months?! GIRL. That’s ridiculous. Get out there and get some!

    You don’t owe Mr X anything. You don’t need to say anything, really. You aren’t in a relationship. But if you feel he should know that you’re going to pursue others, it’s perfectly fine to tell him.

    Good luck! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • The idea of him referring to me as his girlfriend sounds sweet unless you’ve had to listen to him keep “worrying” about your feelings, worrying I’m going to fall for him, worrying he’s going to hurt me, reminding me we can never be anything serious. From one perspective I think it’s sweet he cares enough to worry as a lot of guys wouldn’t even think twice, but It can feel so patronising sometimes that I told him I hate that he keeps talking about it and he’s not allowed to bring it up again! lol and yes the lack of sex is grating 😩 I’m definitely going to say something to him not specifically for him, but more for my own conscience as I think we should have transparency if we’re going to remain friends which I really want 😊

      Liked by 1 person

      • L. Rorschach · May 17

        Ah, ok. This makes sense.

        Yes, he needs to stop talking about it, and I think it’s a good idea to tell him you want to date other people. He may be relieved.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Exactly what I’ve been thinking.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Diganta Misra · May 16

    I am so happy with netflix and munchies. haha ( I so sound like a loner. lol ) Anyways loved your post. I hope things turn out to be great. Keep writing . Cheers!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. pratseek · May 17

    OPEN AND HONEST COMMUNICATION SHOULD BE WAY OF LIFE..OFFCOURSE IT WILL COME AT A COST BUT LOVING YOURSELF AND RESPECTING YOURSELF IS MOST IMPORTANT

    Liked by 1 person

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