My first 1 night stand…almost

It’s been a little while since I’ve posted and it’s largely due to the fact that I can be a real lazy shit lol

I went to Derby for the weekend for my cousin Nevaeh’s birthday. There we are sitting on the couch watching love island and pre drinking and I suddenly turn to her and say omg we should both pull guys tonight and have 1 night stands, her response was something along the lines of hell yeah. 

Some say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone… πŸ˜‚ I don’t actually believe this, but I was using it as rationale for seeking the thrill of the 1 night stand.

We got dressed and headed to the friary for pop night. I loveee cheese!! They didn’t disappoint with classic 90s/2000s hits, commercial tracks and some Disney!! Everyone loves Disney, you can’t not like it! Even the guys were singing passionately along with the words. 

No one can scope out a room like my cousin Nevaeh. She told me that when a song plays that tells you to get low she takes the opportunity to scan the room for “potentials.” Derby is full of cute guys but unfortunately the majority of them were in their early 20s!! I’m talking 20,21,22, in fact some were 18/19. 


The night was a bust! I’m not saying we didn’t have a good time because we did. We always have a good time when we go out- that’s standard! Nevaeh spied a cute guy when we were sitting in the smoking area and she made me call one of his friends to get his attention. I grabbed the guy by his back pocket just to get his attention so I could ask him to call his mate as he was blocking our view of him. The guy was a real bitch about it and pulled away from me kind of aggressively as if rejecting my advances. I rolled my eyes! He wasn’t even good looking! How dare he? πŸ˜‚ of course Nevaeh found this hilarious.

Towards the end of the night, she had her eyes on a guy who was very punk-rock-ish in the way he dresses and carried himself. He was cute no doubt, with his platinum blonde hair sticking up deliberately and his many piercings (not too many). She noticed him and expressed her interest first so I watched as she tried to get closer to him. There was a bit of an exchange between them in the club- a bit of banter. 

We left at the same time they did and when we saw him outside he was no longer with his mates. Her being the confident person she is, walked straight up to him and asked if he was single. He was, and then she said she thought he was attractive. He wore a confused look on his face and when she asked what was wrong he said he was confused because “black girls don’t like white boys”

That was the point where I kind of checked out of the conversation, while trying to politely ignore the advances of his tall and chubby friend who was saying things like “we should be friends” and “we should hang out some time.” Thankfully Punk Rock guy dragged me into the conversation by asking if I thought he was attractive too. I shrugged and said he was alright. He then said “it’s strange, mix-raced girls like you-” I cut him off and told him I wasn’t mixed race and that I was black. Can you believe this guy kept arguing that I was? It was like he was trying to convince me that in my 26 years of life I had it wrong about what race I am lol.

My cousin told him there are different shades of black and he finally shut up about it. He then said I was really cute asked for my number. I was thinking is he crazy? I declined and said how can I when my cousin has been trying to talk to you this whole time. Me and Nevaeh left his fuckboy antics behind and headed back to her house. On the way I saw a guy who I thought was attractive. She went over to him, he was with a friend and while I chatted with Mr LD she chatted to his friend.

Mr LD was somewhere in between attractive and average, but at the end of the night it was slim pickings and he looked pretty damn tasty! We started talking and before you know it he’s got an arm around me, we’re laughing and making out…

You don’t waste time do you Autumn?

After a longgg make out session on a street bench, they both come back with us to Nevaeh’s house. Being the great hostess that she is, she gave me her bed and a condom and we went upstairs to have sex.

We made out, he went down on me, which felt nice, but it wasn’t hot at all. I told him off because he was being too rough with my pierced nipples even after I told him he was hurting me. I got annoyed and said “you see these, don’t touch them, they’re off limits to you now!” πŸ˜‚ He couldn’t even use his fingers properly, using them in a twisting motion  that no guy has ever done before (in my experience)… I banned him from using his fingers too as he had made me dry up like the Sahara desert and he was just hurting me at that point.

Honestly I was proud of how vocal I was being about what I liked and didn’t like as that’s something that’s always been difficult for me.

Let’s move on to the sex… 

Haha what sex?

Mr LD… Limp Dick

Now, I get that under the influence of alcohol some men find it difficult to rise to the occassion and I was absolutely fine when he told me “I have to be honest with you, I’ve had a lot to drink tonight and I’m not gonna be able to fuck you the way I want to until the morning.” I kissed him and said okay then rolled over and let him spoon me. Minutes later he’s feeling me up again and saying that he just can’t resist me. So I’m thinking okay great he’s ready to go now… Ahh how wrong could I be.

I give him a HJ and he starts getting hard and I’m like yesssss! He’s a grower not a shower. I watched as his dick grew to a more reasonable size, I mean it was still fairly small I’d say 4 inches or so. Size doesn’t always matter as long as you know what to do with it (to a certain extent), but Mr LD definitely didn’t. He put a condom on and went soft again, it was like watching a balloon deflate or something. The incing on the cake was that he started to move as if he was fucking me. I lay there underneath him like what the fuck is he doing, does he know he’s just rubbing himself against me. I honestly felt bad for him so I let him do his thing for a little while before he apologised and repeated that he wasn’t able to fuck me “the way he wanted to.” All I was thinking was- what do you mean “the way you want to” you can’t fuck me at all! 

Nevaeh, thinking we had finished a few rounds of sex, said it was time to switch and went upstairs with the friend while me and LD took to the very tiny couch. He complained about how small it was and tried to get me to go back to his place where he had a bed, but I said no. I wasn’t feeling it anymore shoot… There was no way I was going all the way to his for more disappointment. After feeling me up again and trying to have sex with me without a condom- to which I strongly said no to, he asked for a handjob.  He didn’t deserve anything from me after his poor performance in the bedroom, but he earned a B for effort and preserverance so I obliged. He came all over my night clothes and some shot onto the couch as well. Sorry Nevaeh!

We didn’t really get much sleep, if any. At about 6:30 am, Nevaeh and her guy came downstairs and we all sat and chatted and played some Black Ops on her X Box. I made out with LD some more, it seemed that the only thing he could right was kiss me. 

The boys left and me and Nevaeh sat together to share stories. The look on her face when I told her we hadn’t managed to have sex, was priceless! We laughed about it, got into bed and fell asleep. The next night we did one of those escape rooms where you have to solve clues in order to unlock the door. It was Saw themed and so much fun! We went into Nottingham to party and although there were no potentials and I found the nightlife a little underwhelming, we had a great time.

While in Derby, I found out that the magician hadn’t actually been ghosting me, he’d just been really busy and still is. I’m supposed to be seeing him tomorrow, but I’ve decided that no matter what happens I’m not going to sleep with him. Yes I want to see him, but he hasn’t put in enough effort these past weeks to deserve sex with me. Anyway I’m spending the weekend with Mr X so either way I’m getting laid soon! πŸ™ŒπŸΎ

Until then let’s all send out a prayer for Mr LD May your dick work the next time you try to have sex with someone! Many blessings to you!!!!

-Love, Autumn x


  1. janherns · June 28

    I’m gonna be honest, this was a fucking good read. I love your voice when you write I was hooked on this! I was living vicariously through your misadventure, poor Mr.LP. Here I was, thinking maybe his namesake came from a dude with a cool record collection.

    Wishing you better pickings next time, girl.
    xx Jan

    Liked by 2 people

    • Haha thankyou!! I’m glad you enjoyed it, I can’t see myself attempting another 1 night stand any time soon lol I’m scarred now πŸ˜‚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The V Pub · June 28

    Poor little guy (and I do mean little) 😎

    Liked by 1 person

  3. L. Rorschach · June 29

    Ugh. I’m sorry Mr LP disappointed. After all that, I would have been, too. *sigh*

    Liked by 2 people

  4. indiangirldating · June 29

    GIRL! Mr. LP sounds terrible. I hope you have better luck this weekend (assuming you’ll try again)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Not with him lol probably never see or hear from him again, but yes this weekend I have plans with Mr X so sex is definitely on the table

      Liked by 1 person

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