Dreaming with Autumn 💤
I had just gotten married to Mr X and I was the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. It was crazy how much happiness I could feel and it was merely a dream. My eyes shone as I looked into his, eyes that didn’t want to look away, a beaming smile and a heart that swelled with pride and happiness that we were finally wed.
We are in some kind of safari-like car, a small jeep and driving towards these cabins near a lake. My little brother’s new kitten is with us and being uncharacteristically calm, walking slowly over our laps and looking at the scenery as we drive on. As we’re getting closer to our cabin, Mr X turns to me and says there’s no water in our cabin and we’ll have to draw it from the pipe outside.” I look at him, searching his eyes simply not believing he’s being serious- he is. I’m in love and deliriously happy so I shrug and say “is okay we’ll manage.” Strike 1
Strike 2 comes very quickly after we enter and I look around our run down cabin. No one would want to spend their honeymoon here! To make matters worse strike 3- a huge rat bigger than the kitten scurries towards me. Of course I scream and run, almost tripping over. I run towards the jeep and climb back in and tell Mr X I can’t stay here. I plead with him to understand that I won’t be comfortable in this place even for a night. He thinks we should stay and make the most of it- I simply can’t.
The next images are of me on the plane home- alone. Then I’m back in England sitting on my couch and I get a text from him saying he can’t believe I left and wouldn’t stay with him. He’s not leaving as that’s over a grand he doesn’t want to simply throw away. I was really childish and he can’t believe my behaviour. Is this really how we’re going to spend our lives together?…
It was a rant of a text that broke my heart, tears were streaming down my face and he mentioned an annulment as we were yet to consummate the marriage.
As strong as the feelings of happiness were, the feelings of loss and heartbreak were stronger. The pain shot through me and my body ached. The dream was vivid, I could everything.
I tend to have lucid dreams sometimes in which I can control what happens, I don’t tend to create the initial narrative of my dreams as I like to follow what carefully crafted scene is created by my subconscious, however, if something happens that I don’t want to e.g Mr X leaves me at the altar, I can rewind it to just before, and make it so he says amazing heart wrenching vows and marries me lol (first example that came to mind). I manipulate the course of my dreams by rewinding time and replaying sequences of events.
The relevance of this is…
I was aware I was dreaming- I rewinded time to before I left and stayed one night in the cabin with Mr X. I was filled with fear and couldn’t sleep a wink and cried throughout the night. Teardrops hitting on his arms that were wrapped around me, until he sat up, held me and arms length and stared into my teary eyes and apologised. He then hugged me and I thought I’d feel relief from the heartache caused by receiving the text in the other version of the dream, but those feelings lingered even as I woke.
I couldn’t help but wonder why. Was it a sign that if ever married Mr X it would only lead to heartache, no matter how hard we both tried, or how much we might love each other and want to be together?
Even though I don’t see a future for us outside our friendship, if I amuse myself and try to picture us in love to the point where he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, I can’t lie… my heart warms.
-Love, Autumn x