How did I end up here?

How the hell did I end up here?

Sitting at a table, next to the Magician, drinking a rum and coke. 

Let’s rewind time a little. 

I’m at work, sitting in the office and I get this message from the Magician. 

For some reason the Facebook chat message opens straight away and I’m like for fuck sake now it looks like I scrambled to quickly open his message. That’s all I need- him thinking I’ve been pining over him! I mean I have and I’ve been stalking his profile like a crazy woman, but he doesn’t need to know that… Do I regret my actions- no, am I embarrassed or ashamed by them- nope! I feel like I could’ve done worse. It’s not like I called him from a blocked number and hung up; high school style lol

You may be wondering how he could poasibly have the balls to send  that message after all this time. Well after the last message I sent him that he didn’t respond to, I sent this Matthew Hussey inspired message:

He took days to respond.. No surprise there.

We talked for a little bit, with him responding almost immediately to my messages… All of a sudden ๐Ÿ˜…  Then I ended the conversation by telling him I had to go but it was nice talking to him. That was about 10 days ago. 10 days of radio silence. So when I read the message he sent today, in my eyes it meant one thing- he wants sex! I was really annoyed by how good it felt to hear from him, but I knew I couldn’t have sex with him. I’d lose so much respect for myself.

I sat back in my chair, sighed and said to myself while looking at my computer screen of the little thumbnail profile picture of Mr X in the corner, amongst my other Facebook messenger contacts- why is it that you’re the only guy who treats me with such respect, who treats me the way I now know (because of you), I can be treated. It made me sad to think that the guy I’ll never end up with seems to be the guy who treats me with the most respect.

I’m so sick of being treated like shit by guys who know nothing about me. Guys who, without being vain or self absorbed, are beneath me. I used to think if I lowered my standards I’d find a guy who’d treat me like a queen, but nope! Honestly, I think Jay Z went and fucked that up for everyone by cheating on Beyoncรฉ. Now any average Joe thinks they’re invincible and can do what they want… Fuckers!

I just wanna be loved so deeply by someone that when they look at me they see their whole world- the past shit they had to go through to meet me, how great things are presently going and the amazingly bright future we could have together.

I mean, don’t piss me off surely that’s not too much to ask for! 

With the hundreds and thousands of single men out there. Surely there are a few, non-fuckboy inclined men that are available…. There are you say? ๐Ÿ™Š Really? Honestly? Then where the hell are they?? Hiding? Sigh

I may have gone off track there just a little bit.

So after the Magician sent me the message inviting me over to watch RuPauls Drag Race, I sent another Matthew Hussey inspired message:

I had no plans, I just didn’t want to jump at his request, when it was blatantly an invitation for sex. He responded pretty quickly and this convo followed…

I felt really proud of my response and of the way I handled myself in general.
I was at home watching love island when the Magician messaged me to tell me he was still at work. Mind you it was like 8:45pm.

Next thing I know I’m on the train to see the fucker. All the while, in my head, as if reciting a positive affirmation, I’m telling myself not to sleep with him.

  1. Don’t go back to his place
  2. Don’t have sex with him

I thought If I can stick to the first one, there was no way I’m going to end up sleeping with him. Stay strong ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿพ and stay woke ๐Ÿ‘€

He gives me a kiss on the cheek as a greeting and we decide to go somewhere close by. After a bit of small talk we reach a bar and go inside. Now, I’m in a difficult mood upon seeing him. He asks me what I want to drink and I say water. He laughs and says- but we’re in a bar, so I say- okay make it a sparkling water then. He shakes his head and says he’s getting me a vodka and Sprite and when I say I’m allergic to vodka he gets me a rum and coke. He leans over the table gives me a soft peck on the lips and goes over to the bar. I use this time to gather my thoughts.

Shit! Something is stirring inside of me that wants to get naked with him! Luckily the rational part of me is still running the operation.

When he comes back it goes a little silent. I take a sip of my drink and say- I’m mad at you by the way. He sighs, puts an arm around me, pulls me into his arms, kisses my temple and says- I know, I’m sorry. He then goes into all the reasons why he hasn’t been around- working long hours at work because he needs the extra money, going home to Kent most weekends for family events. He had his reasons but all I could hear was blah blah blah I don’t have time for you blah blah lol๐Ÿ˜‚

#needy or #completelyrational ????

After he finishes I say- okay… You’re still in my bad books though and he laughs and whispers into my ear- would it help if I bent you over and ate your pussy from behind? I frown, push him away and say- no it would not! He laughs again, apologises and pulls me back into his arms then kisses me… A peck, then another, then deeply, passionately, until I forget I’m mad at him and I’m tugging on his hair. Damn he’s a good kisser!

When we finally come up for air and I slap away his wandering hand, I tell him straight up, that I’m not having sex with him. He asks me why and I tell himwe haven’t exactly seen or spoken to each other in a while. He adds- is it because we haven’t done any datey stuff and I say yes. He says he understands. I also remind him that we haven’t even done any of the things he said we’d do. He asked if I was referring to the ping pong and when I said yes, he said we could go the Friday after next… let’s see if that actually happens.

It’s getting late and we’re both tired. The magician invites me back to his to cuddle and watch RuPaul’s drag race. I roll my eyes and say- just cuddle? Yeah right! And he says yeah- after I have a wank. Me being me, I ask if I can watch. At first he looks shocked and says- really? I say yeah and he says okay. Then his face changes, he grins and says I could watch you get off too. I reminded that this wasn’t about him and that we were only doing what I wanted to do. He said okay and we left for his place.

Anyone watching us together would think we’re in a relationship. The magician treats me like I’m his girlfriend, the way he holds my hand, is constantly cuddling and kissing me, and it’s not just because he’s kissing me, it’s where. When he kisses me on the lips and its passionate I love it and it really turns me on, but when he pulls me close and plants one on my forehead, temple or hair…. It does something to me I can’t explain. It just feels so much more intimate. 

On the walk to the train station I finally have the tinder talk with the magician-the what are you on Tinder for? talk. He says he’s not actively looking for his wife or anything like that as he’s not thinking about marriage right now, but he’s looking to meet fun people and see where it goes. He went on to say that although he’s not looking for a quick lay if he was offered it he wouldn’t neccesarily turn it downโ€ฆ Typical guys right? Anyways then he asks me. I tell him I’m looking for my husband and his shocked/ confused face makes me want to laugh but I somehow manage to keep a straight face. He asks me why would I look on Tinder for my husband and I tell him that 55% of people on Tinder get married to their matches. He says really are you serious? and I say yes there are studies about it and statistics that say that is true. He studies my face and says really? and I say no finally laughing and I tell him I was just chatting shit. He laughs and says 0h, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. I told him that I’m looking to go on fun and interesting dates with guys and see where it goes, but that I’m not looking for a quick lay at all! Even if I was I wouldn’t tell him that because then he would probably think he could put in even less effort and be one of those quick lays. Oh no magician you’ve got work to do!

We’re  on the train and he’s exhausted so I let him take the one available seat and I stand in between his legs and run my hands through his hair. He rests his head on me… His face ends up slotting neatly between my boobs and he mutters he could stay like this forever. I love PDA with him, but when he starts feeling up my leg I swat his hand away and take the seat next to him as soon as its vacated. We make out on the train a little and then I make him laugh with stories about how I bad I am with things like spiders and mice and how difficult it will be when I move into my own place in a couple months.

We’re at the magician’s place and he apologises for the mess then gets straight down to business. We make out and before I know it my shirt is unbuttoned. I’m like  wtf how did that happen… Shit it’s the magician at work again… Gotta be careful around him… Gotta stay woke!!

I gently push him away and he takes out his dick and starts jerking off. I position the pillows and sit back on the bed ready to enjoy the show. It’s kind of awkward just watching him, but the freak in me is getting turned on by this little show he’s putting on just for me. Soon he takes my hand and puts it on his dick and I find myself giving him a hand job while the magician is kissing my lips, my neck… Once again I’m swept up in his magic.  When I come to my senses I gently push him away again, climb off the bed and say fuuuck!

He asks to come in my mouth and I turn and glare at him and say no. Then he goes well can I at least come on your tits (as if it’s the least I could do ๐Ÿ˜…) I sighed heavily and said fineeeee! I took off my bra and lay down and warned him that he better not come on my face because his dick was pointed suspiciously high. He came on my tits and looked extremely satisfied by the whole thing.

Can someone please explain to me why guys want to cum on my tits ๐Ÿ˜‚ first Mr X makes the request and now the magician. I mean, I’m not against it or turning my nose down at the act, I’m just trying to understand what they get out of it lol Maybe it’s a power/ dominance thing ๐Ÿค”

After that he kissed me a few more times and we cuddled up to watch a British show called- Big School, which is hilarious! I left around 12 and went home. I really do love spending time with him, it’s just a shame that time is not something he seems to have a lot of.

As much as I wanted to sleep with him in the moment, I’m glad I didn’t! Honestly, he’s still in my bad books a little and I won’t have sex with him until I think he’s shown he deserves a slice of Autumn pie.

I do think I should stop raising a glass and saying goodbye to the Magician until I’m 100% sure he’s out of my life ๐Ÿ˜… until then lets wait and see what happens next.

-Love, Autumn x


  1. indiangirldating · July 16

    this post gave me LIFE. honestly girl, you only live once. If you want to sleep with the Magician, take the power back and do it on your terms! get yours and get satisfied.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lol Thanksss I definitely will sleep with him again but like you said it’s Gotta be on my terms. I really enjoyed having all the control ๐Ÿ˜

      Liked by 1 person

  2. jillianmrks · July 16

    RE: “why is it that youโ€™re the only guy who treats me with such respect, who treats me the way I now know (because of you), I can be treated. ” I’m sorry, but I don’t see him treating you with respect. He ignores you and yet you still give him what he wants. Even a seat on the train. This behavior will never change until you do. I don’t like the magician, no matter how good he is in bed.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The guy I’m referring to there is Mr X if you reread you’ll see I was looking at his picture on my screen while thinking that. I definitely would not be referring to magician in that way

      Liked by 1 person

      • jillianmrks · July 17

        ohhhhh…. thank goodness. The magician doesn’t deserve you.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. L. Rorschach · July 17

    Oh, he needs to put in A LOT more effort! The Magician is clearly only looking for an easy lay. If that’s what you want, fine! But it doesn’t sound like you do since you were annoyed by his text silence.

    Make sure he follows through on his time commitments before you agree to see him again. He needs to put in some effort!

    I’m glad you held out! If you hadn’t, you knew you would have been even more pissed at him if he disappeared again.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s weird, me and my cousin do this thing where we ask ourselves what we’d say if a guy we’re talking to asked us to be his gf. When she asked about the magician I didn’t feel like it would be something I wanted, yet I can’t deny how much I enjoy spending time with him and as much it irritates me when he doesn’t respond to my texts

      He definitely needs to follow through on this ping pong date or its bye bye magician for good! Also it’s likely that I’m not gonna sleep with him even after that date. I gave him an out and he didn’t take it, he came back. He needs to know that I don’t want to just have sex with him, if that’s what he wants he needs to find it elsewhere… I already have a casual sex friend aka Mr X.

      And you’re absolutely right! I would’ve been more than pissed off, I’m literally soo proud of myself that I held out ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿพ

      Liked by 1 person

      • L. Rorschach · July 17

        Yes! Tell him that he needs to go elsewhere if he’s just looking for sex. I had to do that with a Tinder guy recently (remember that? He got all huffy and texted, “I could have been the best you’ve ever had.”) Otherwise, he needs to step up his game if he wants you to be a participant. ๐Ÿ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh yeah I remember that dude!
        I’m gonna tell him next time I see him. If I message him I’d be double texting and his rate of response would irritate me ๐Ÿ™ˆ However, if he flakes on our date I’ll bring it up so either way by next Friday evening I’ll know!!
        Until I’ll continue enjoying myself ๐Ÿ˜‹ I’m back in Derby on Thursday for a long weekend of trouble ๐Ÿ˜

        Liked by 1 person

      • L. Rorschach · July 17

        I can’t wait to hear what happens! Crossing my fingers he works it out and doesn’t eff up.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Me too!

        Liked by 1 person

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