A couple days ago I went for drinks with my cousin Summer and my youngest brother Dusk. We were talking about our love lives aka lack there of and about sexual fantasies and stuff like that. The topic of how I lost my virginity came up.
I was 18 and it was with my boyfriend, the only one I’ve ever had. It wasn’t a great experience. Yes I was in love, or at least that’s what it felt like at the time. Now I’m older and wiser I can say with certainty that it wasn’t. The reason why it wasn’t a memorable experience was because in the moment that I thought was supposed to be the most intimate of our lives so far, he wasn’t himself. I was looking up at him and I didn’t see the guy I loved, who said he loved me and cared about me. I saw a guy who cared about sex above everything else. I was really overwhelmed by the feelings I was experiencing and began to cry. We stopped and he comforted me a little, but as soon as I stopped crying, he looked sullen and asked me if we were done (having sex). I wanted to cry again, but I held it in and gave him what he wanted even though my heart was no longer in it. I cried all the way home as I walked alone down the street.
That experience of not feeling the confidence to say no led to a life where I struggled sexpressing myself.
Sexpressing– expressing one’s self sexually. This can involve saying what you want/ don’t want someone to do, what you like/ don’t like, how you like something done, or simply saying you don’t really want to do something with someone.
I had sexual fantasies I was desperate to try out, but I had become so reserved, completely sexually repressed. I couldn’t tell anyone what I liked, what I fantasised about. I couldn’t tell them now desperately I wanted to role play, include characters, costumes, bondage in my sex life. I couldn’t even tell a guy when something felt good- so not to stop, or when it felt bad, so I spent years just lying there and letting guys dictate what we did sexually, which was always pretty much standard sex- them on top or me on top. And it hurt a lot. Physical pain. That feeling when you’re not aroused enough so he’s hitting the wall of your cervix when you’re having sex. I would wince and push gently against the guy’s chest, I wouldn’t actually say I was in pain. How messed up is that? I didn’t really enjoy sex, not the way that I’ve learned to today. I was desperate to really feel something that was missing. I fell for the guys who I slept with and one by one they all fucked me over in their own way.
I ended up developing a complex- I was good enough to sleep with but not to have anything more with. My confidence was completely shot. When I went to uni I closed myself off sexually to guys. It was just me and my vibrator that’s all I could handle. 4 years with no sex. I wanted it and craved it desperately, to feel that close to someone again, but deep down I wanted more, this time I wanted something real.
I had spent my life having sex with guys who never really cared about me, how I felt, what I wanted, if I was ready… Until Mr X.
How is it that that it took me 7 years to find someone who made sure I was 100% ready and willing to have sex with him. I remember it like it was yesterday, the way he took my hand, looked deeply into my eyes and asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this. I had never been more sure about having sex with someone in my life.
I was still the same sexually repressed, quiet girl who couldn’t say what she wanted. Whilst we were having sex, I was in pain and did my usual- kept silent. He looked at me and asked if I was okay- I nodded and he continued, but when I winced again and gently touched his chest, he looked at my face and as if reading how I felt, he kissed me and eased up not going as deep as before.
I know it’s not fair to expect someone to read your mind and know how you’re feeling and I never expected that from anyone. I knew I had to somehow find my voice, find who I was sexually, take control of my sexual desire, passion, confidence, but I just didn’t know how to.
That small act of reading me and adjusting meant so much to me. He learned to read my body and I learned to read his. He shared his insecurities with me allowing me to share my own and his kindness, care and friendship helped me feel sexually comfortable with someone for the first time. I didn’t fight against myself to hold back my moans, but let them out and revelled in his aroused response to it. Slowly, I was able to share my fantasies with him- just talking about them. He wasn’t into role play because of his own self-confidence issues with acting, but he could see the appeal of bondage and we spoke about what it might be like to give it a try.
My heart was so full. I could see how much I had grown. Even Mr X told me he could see I was more confident. I felt so proud of myself.
When I decided to date other people, because future wise Mr X and I wanted different things (kids), he was really supportive and his kindness didn’t falter. When I found myself able to tell a guy that he was hurting me, my heart swelled, knowing I had just reached a major milestone (dunno if that’s the right word) considering my history of limited sexpression. I was becoming more vocal. I was able to verbally tell another guy I didn’t want to do something, instead of using non-verbal cues such as pushing their hand or body away. Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle telling guys I like that they’re not hitting the right spot or not making me feel good (sexually), because I don’t want them to feel bad, which I know sounds ridiculous because I should consider how I’m feeling sexually rather than their ego. I won’t fake an orgasm though, you’ve got to earn that!
When I think about how far I’ve come, I think about Mr X.
A couple days ago when I was talking about all of the above with my cousin and brother, I told them something I wish I could say to Mr X.
If I could, without it ruining things between us I’d say…
Mr X, you have no idea how much you’ve changed my life. How much I’ve changed by having you in my life. The effect you’ve had on me. I’ve been sexually repressed for such a long time and being with you has enabled me to come out of my shell in a way I didn’t think was possible. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to be as sexually free and vocal as I have become. I never thought I’d be able to share my sexual fantasies and kinks with someone. Most of all, the thing I never thought possible was to feel this comfortable with someone sexually. I trust you more than I’ve ever trusted a guy before. I’ve felt more confident with my body than I ever imagined could be possible. Your friendship means the world to me, our weird little relationship means the world to me. I hope we can stay in each other’s lives for a very long time, but if we can’t, when the time comes for us to part ways, I want you to know that you changed my life for the better.
Some of the lyrics in this song really speak to me when I think of him and how he’s changed my life.
“For Good”- Wicked The Musical
I’ve heard it said,
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are led to those
Who help us most to grow if we let them.
And we help them in return.
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you.
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime.
So, let me say before we part:
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you.
You’ll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have rewritten mine
By being my friend.
I do believe I have been changed for the better.
Because I knew you
I have been changed…
Yes, I’d say a lot to Mr X if I thought our friendship could withstand it. I know it can withstand a lot because I bring enough crazy for the both of us, and we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs, but a declaration like that straight from the heart, so raw, would be like telling him I’m in love with him… Not something he’d be able to look past. We couldn’t be friends if either one of us was in love with the other. It would be too painful to love or be loved by him. So I’ll keep silent until I can’t anymore or until I feel like I have nothing left to lose.
-Love, Autumn x