Taking things slow 

I’ve recently been thinking about what it will feel like when I’ve met someone I really like and they want to be exclusive. The thought chills me.

It’s weird I’ve wanted to be in a relationship, in love, for such a long time, but I don’t feel ready to dedicate myself to one guy alone.

I don’t know what long term relationships feel like, I’ve only ever had one shitty relationship when I was 18 with a guy I thought I loved, and that only lasted 5 months before he dumped my sorry ass right before our A Level exams.

That breakup killed me and for a long time I pretended I was unaffected. The truth is although I was devastated, heartbroken and cried for weeks, the reflection on how shallow our relationship was what struck a cord with me. We saw each other at school, he had no time for me after school, we spoke on msn where I often helped him with his homework and saw each other outside of school occasionally. It was clear I liked him more than he liked me- at the time I thought it was love, now I’m older I can see it was a mix of emotional attachment to the guy I lost my virginity to, and damn oxytocin doing what it does best- fooling women into thinking they feel more for a guy than they really do.

I’ve avoided relationships ever since

Exclusivity is like a double edged sword; there’s security, but at the same time I see it as a chain around my neck. I think it’s partly because I’m not sure if I’m ready to change my relationship with Mr X. I meet a guy and I ask myself who I like more… Mr X always comes out on top, it’s annoying. He’s been my emotional anchor for so long I’m afraid of what will happen if I let him go to be with someone and it doesn’t work out with that said someone. Mr X puts up with a lot of my bullshit, he apologises when he’s wrong, he’s even started calling me randomly to see how I’m doing and initiating meet ups. In a world where things go so sour for me so quickly, it’s understandable why I’m afraid, why I’m reluctant to let him go, which is why exclusivity is off the table for me until I’m sure the guy is worth losing Mr X.

All this talk of exclusivity is because the pirate seems like the type of guy to try and lock down a girl he likes quickly. I’m his second tinder date, the first led quickly to a relationship that lasted 6 months and ended because she wanted a more casual arrangement. I like him a lot and I’m sure he’d make a good boyfriend someday, but we’re only on date 2. It does feel like we’ve known each other longer though, maybe it’s because the pirate and I are quite full on in terms of communication. We text a lot throughout the day, which I like. He showers me with compliments about how beautiful I am and tells me he can’t wait to see me again. It’s a nice change and I love the way he makes me feel, but I’m painfully aware that this is how I felt about the magician in the beginning. People change and it’s early days. 

I don’t want to fall into bed with the pirate until I’m sure it will be something more than just a casual sexual encounter. I told him the next time I have sex I want it to mean something. He said he understood and that he doesn’t have meaningless sex… We’ll see.

I’m seeing him tonight for our second date! Wish me luck, especially because I planned it and it’s the first time I’ve ever planned a date before 🙈

-Love, Autumn x


  1. bone&silver · August 3

    Read The Ethical Slut. It’s about being honest about not wanting exclusivity. It’s Ok to want variety, & claim it, as long as everyone is informed and in agreement. I wish I’d read it at school instead of at age 45. Good luck- just be true to yourself, & try not to over-think or worry too much. G

    Liked by 1 person

  2. L. Rorschach · August 3

    I can’t wait to read all about it tomorrow!

    Everything will work themselves out the way they’re supposed to. Relax! (I know, easier said than done because I worry about stuff like this all the time!)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. LivingOutLoud · August 6

    Hey Lady,
    I think you’re smart to take it slow. I can relate to your post in many ways. For years I was so anchored to my first bf and the man I lost my virginity to. And like you, the relationship was not reciprocal. It was painful for me to admit the fact that I liked him more than he liked me, but I felt like I needed to make it work because I didn’t want to “lose it.” for nothing. He hurt me and I still always tried to make things work.
    I learned that time is a healer, but the problem is that it takes so Damn long. Now years later, I am SO glad that things never worked out with him.
    A little question I started asking myself that changed my life is, “If I want to find someone to spend my life with, what’s the rush?”
    You can think of dating as your chance to meet people and figure out what you like and don’t like. Just know, that you NEVER EVER have to settle because you deserve the BEST and nothing less.
    I hope that didn’t sound too preachy.

    ❤ Alana

    Liked by 1 person

  4. jillianmrks · August 11

    There comes a point where the desire for a long-term loving relationship with the right person is stronger than the fear of getting hurt. There are no guarantees. And there will always be fear. Over time we can learn to indulge the fear less and less. But, for me, the greater the attachment the greater the fear of losing it. Realize that there will always be pain through situations outside of our control. Even within the greatest love relationships there will be some pain. This is nature. The balance is necessary. Let go of fear and allow yourself to love. Life is short.

    Liked by 1 person

    • autumnsinnerthoughts · August 11

      This is so beautifully said! You’re absolutely right this is something I’ve always struggled with but I know I’m definitely ready to take the plunge. After all you Gotta be in it to win it 😊


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