I’ve recently been thinking about what it will feel like when I’ve met someone I really like and they want to be exclusive. The thought chills me.
It’s weird I’ve wanted to be in a relationship, in love, for such a long time, but I don’t feel ready to dedicate myself to one guy alone.
I don’t know what long term relationships feel like, I’ve only ever had one shitty relationship when I was 18 with a guy I thought I loved, and that only lasted 5 months before he dumped my sorry ass right before our A Level exams.
That breakup killed me and for a long time I pretended I was unaffected. The truth is although I was devastated, heartbroken and cried for weeks, the reflection on how shallow our relationship was what struck a cord with me. We saw each other at school, he had no time for me after school, we spoke on msn where I often helped him with his homework and saw each other outside of school occasionally. It was clear I liked him more than he liked me- at the time I thought it was love, now I’m older I can see it was a mix of emotional attachment to the guy I lost my virginity to, and damn oxytocin doing what it does best- fooling women into thinking they feel more for a guy than they really do.
I’ve avoided relationships ever since.
Exclusivity is like a double edged sword; there’s security, but at the same time I see it as a chain around my neck. I think it’s partly because I’m not sure if I’m ready to change my relationship with Mr X. I meet a guy and I ask myself who I like more… Mr X always comes out on top, it’s annoying. He’s been my emotional anchor for so long I’m afraid of what will happen if I let him go to be with someone and it doesn’t work out with that said someone. Mr X puts up with a lot of my bullshit, he apologises when he’s wrong, he’s even started calling me randomly to see how I’m doing and initiating meet ups. In a world where things go so sour for me so quickly, it’s understandable why I’m afraid, why I’m reluctant to let him go, which is why exclusivity is off the table for me until I’m sure the guy is worth losing Mr X.
All this talk of exclusivity is because the pirate seems like the type of guy to try and lock down a girl he likes quickly. I’m his second tinder date, the first led quickly to a relationship that lasted 6 months and ended because she wanted a more casual arrangement. I like him a lot and I’m sure he’d make a good boyfriend someday, but we’re only on date 2. It does feel like we’ve known each other longer though, maybe it’s because the pirate and I are quite full on in terms of communication. We text a lot throughout the day, which I like. He showers me with compliments about how beautiful I am and tells me he can’t wait to see me again. It’s a nice change and I love the way he makes me feel, but I’m painfully aware that this is how I felt about the magician in the beginning. People change and it’s early days.
I don’t want to fall into bed with the pirate until I’m sure it will be something more than just a casual sexual encounter. I told him the next time I have sex I want it to mean something. He said he understood and that he doesn’t have meaningless sex… We’ll see.
I’m seeing him tonight for our second date! Wish me luck, especially because I planned it and it’s the first time I’ve ever planned a date before 🙈
-Love, Autumn x