Things have been going really well with the pirate but I have to continue reminding myself we havent known each other that long… 3.5 weeks.
On that note, we became exclusive a couple days ago, but it wasn’t shrouded in all the happiness I wish it was. Nope, I hurt him instead…
So, we were talking about things we could do to potentially hurt each other, and themes of seeing other people came up. So I asked him if he was saying he wanted to be exclusive and he said yes. I wasn’t expecting that, but what really hit me was when he said-for me, that’s the only way it’s ever been since we met.
That’s how it had been for me too, until earlier on that same night when I went to see Mr X.
This weekend was V Fest, a two day musical festival, which I went to with my sister and cousins. After the first day I realised festivals aren’t really for me, too many stupid people with no damn behaviour. If someone I really liked was performing I might consider it again.
Anyways, Mr X lives in the area so I decided to leave early the second day and see him. It had been a while and I thought it would be nice to see his face. When I saw him standing in the doorway, I smiled, but I was forcing it a little, I wasn’t getting the usual feelssss. He asked if I wanted a drink then pulled out a cold can from the fridge and smiled and said see I put it in the fridge so it’s extra cold just how you like it. I laughed and said-you’re learning.
We went into the living room and I told him he was sitting in my seat, so he laughed and moved over. We were watching some documentary style programme, me sitting with my feet up and him leaning against me. He told me about the show and at one point leaned over and surprised me with a kiss. I didn’t get that intense I wanna rip your clothes off feeling I used to get. He started feeling me up but I told him I can’t and moved away from him. He didn’t question it, he just opened his arms and let me cuddle. And in his arms, I realised we had crossed over to “just friends” in my head and heart anyway.
Remember I said- the true tell of how much I like someone will be if it will be worth losing Mr X over? It is.
So I went from kissing Mr X to being exclusive with the pirate. I know we weren’t exclusive at the time, but I couldn’t get past the feeling of guilt that I had. Especially when he said since he met me he hadn’t seen anyone else. Soo… I told him about Mr X. My cousins and sister told me I didn’t have to, but I didn’t want to start anything with him when I felt like this.
He was upset by it and hurt and we spent the entire day going back and forth messaging about the situation. I got the feeling he thought more might have happened between me and Mr X. We spoke about trust and how it’s hard on both of us. He said if we had been exclusive and I had kissed him, he would’ve had to walk away, which I understood and told him it would be the same for me. He did say he really appreciated me telling him even if it did hurt.
Later on, when things were winding down in the conversation he said it was a hard image to shake and he just wanted to forget about it, but he had one final question: why did it happen?
It was a difficult one to answer because in the moment I feel like it happened simply because I was there… Old habits die hard/ falling into our usual routine. Upon reflection, I told him that maybe it happened so I could be sure I was ready to move on from him. I didn’t get the usual feeling so I was convinced I was. The pirate seemed content with my response. We met up the next day and things felt like they were back to normal which made me really happy but…
I told the pirate what Mr X means to me, how much he’s changed my life etc… And he said he understood and has respect for him for what he’s helped me through, but we didn’t discuss if I would continue to see him. I told Mr X that I met someone who I really liked and that I felt guilty for kissing him that night. I told him he meant a lot to me and I didn’t wanna lose him as a friend. Mr X said he was happy for me and that I was an awesome girl and I wouldn’t ever lose him. I felt such relief flood through me but I’m not naive… I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, because I have this feeling that at some point I’m going to have to make a choice between the two of them and I think I’m falling for the pirate so it’s likely to be him…