A lot has happened in the past couple of days and there have been a lot of tears, some mine, but mostly his… This will be another bullet point type post because there’s a lot to get out and I’ve had a very intense and emotional couple of days and it’s hard to think about and talk about what’s gone down.
It started with a text from Mr X. He said he had something he needed to tell me. He’d been going through it in his head for the past 2 weeks, had trouble focusing at work and was messing up a lot and he needed to get it or and tell me. I said sure you can tell me anything. This led to a phone call in which the following was said:
- He regrets the way he treated me- not opening up and trying to keep me at arms length.
- What we have is rare, we have a strong connection and he doesn’t think he’ll ever find someone as amazing and unique as me, again.
- There’s a lot he would do differently if he could
- He wishes he would’ve taken me out and introduced me to family and friends, and if he did he’s sure the kids thing wouldn’t be an issue
- He hates that he was so stubborn about not wanting kids… For him it’s too small a thing to be the thing that stops us being together (he’d have kids with me). He knows he’d love them and be a good father.
- The last time we saw each other he realised how much he missed me, when I fell asleep on him he watched me sleep and realised he is in love with me!!!
- He said he wants me to be happy and he knows it’s selfish of him to say what he’s saying but he needed to get it out.
- He knows he’s the reason why things are the way they are.
- He asked if I would consider having something official with him, then asked if I wanted time to think about things.
During the conversation, he was crying. I’d never heard him upset, let alone in tears, it made me cry too. He was choking on his words and talking about how hard it is for him to say these things to me. To say I was shocked is an understatement. After almost two years here he was saying all the things I’ve always wanted him to say.
But I’m with the pirate now, and there was no doubt in my mind that the choice would be him. It doesn’t mean I didn’t feel pain at the thought of the guy I’ve held dear for so long, declaring his love for me and me having to turn him down. Hearing his sobs absolutelybroke me.
Today he asked me if I want him to stop talking about his feelings or to fight for me. He said he’d do anything he could or needed to do…I told him he needed to take the time to get past this… us.
For those of you who have read about Mr X from the beginning you may be really suprised to hear I chose the pirate, who I’ve only known 5 weeks over a guy I’ve known almost 2 years. It sounds crazy I know, but the way I feel about the pirate, I’ve never felt that way about anyone before. I told Mr X, I can’t go back, I’m in a good place, happy.
As is said in Landmark- a self development course I took years ago:
I chose the pirate because I chose the pirate.
You get rid of reasoning; the whys, pros and cons, and focus on the choice itself. You don’t explain yourself.
So what now?
I haven’t told the pirate about any of this, I don’t want it to affect his confidence/ self-esteem, especially after the kiss with Mr X. Neither of us will gain anything from him knowing and so I won’t say anything about it. As for Mr X, I hope he’s taking the time he needs. I’ll be here for him when and if he ever wants a friend in me.
Until then, I’ll contemplate why I can’t just have an easy love life! 🙄
-Love, Autumn x