I saw the pirate again for drinks the other night and by drinks I mean lemonade because right now I can’t deal with alcohol. We were both really tired and the mood was already quite low. We were talking about his band and what it takes to really make it and I could tell he was getting down about things.
He previously told me, he understood what Mr X means to me because he also had someone to help him when he was at his lowest and this led to a conversation where he told me he was on medication for depression. So that night I could see something wasn’t exactly right. He said he was fine and sometimes he just gets a little bit low and said he thinks he might have missed a pill yesterday which doesn’t help. I asked him if he wanted to leave but he said absolutely not! so we stayed.
It wasn’t awkward but it definitely was different and I said to him – remember when you said to me you don’t think there’s anything I can say to scare you away? Well the same goes for me there’s nothing you can say that’s going to make me leave. I kissed him then said I will say one thing though, if you murder someone, have the decency not to tell me, I don’t want to be complicit, he smiled and said okay.
He could tell there was something else on my mind, he’s pretty good at reading me already, but it wasn’t something I wanted to share with him. He has a tendency to ask me what I’m thinking, like he wants me to share but he doesn’t share with me, so I told him that. I said I’ve already said enough in fact, too much based on how long we’ve known each other. He can be quite persistent and even when we were at the station ready to say out goodbyes he asked again.
I told him I’m a Libra and right now my scales aren’t balanced. He looked confused and asked me what I needed to do to balance them and I said it wasn’t me and that it was him that had them off balance. He asked what he needed to do, but I told that was something he would have to figure out on his own and added that it was a journey he had to make alone. 😂 the last part was me being extra, but it is something he needs to realise on his own- you can’t expect someone to keep sharing their thoughts and feelings with you if you won’t do the same- it’s not fair and that causes a definite upset in the balance of things.
We’re still good and nothing has changed how I feel about him, I just know I need to be patient and stay present and keep reminding myself that no matter how long it feels like I’ve known him, it has been that long 🙈
(This date happened last week and this post has been sitting in my drafts, this whole time I thought I’d posted it ages ago… Oops!)
-Love, Autumn x