Honestly what Mr X wrote in that letter was no different than what was said over the phone. He spoke about his regrets and said he wasn’t trying to confuse me, but felt like he had to explain some things to me.
He’s got depression. I was about to write “had,” but I think once you have it, it’s not something that just goes away. I think it lies dormant until a major event happens or maybe something small that hits you harder than you thought, causing your depression to make its way back to the surface. Just my view on it. Anyway, he’d told me in the past about a really dark experience he had where he was so “messed up” (his words) that his parents considered getting him committed. This episode was related to the end of his 4 year relationship. He loved her, thought they’d get married, the whole shebang, he even saw himself having kids with her, but then it ended and he spiralled into a dark funk. After that he told me he dated girls casually, refused to let anyone get too close for fear of getting too attached.
When we met, he told me the next person he dated seriously, he wanted to be his last. Me being me, I loved the sound of that and was already picturing myself in that white dress 😂 I’m crazy I know!! However, when he told me he didn’t want kids I realised that would never happen so we decided to have a causal friends with benefits situation.
He told me there were times he really wanted to see me, but was like “if I keep seeing her I’m going to like her,” and said he knew how stupid he sounded. He thanked me for breaking down the walls he’d kept up for so long, to protect himself and said the day I came to see him after v fest, he’d just told his friend he was ready to be with someone. He repeated how he felt when he saw me that night and said that all he wanted to do was lay down and cuddle with me when I told him how shit my day had been.
He told me again that he’s in love with me…
He said he knows he’s massively fucked up and that he was a coward. He’d spent two weeks after that night contemplating whether to share his feelings and hoped that there was enough between us that I would give up my new start and give him a chance. The day he wrote the letter, I had a dentist appointment and we were texting about it. He told me he smiled when reading my messages and loves talking to me and added it was the first time he smiled that day.
He spoke about how great I am and how much interest I always took in his life, even the mundane- I wanted to know everything and he doubts he’ll ever meet someone like me again. He told me if things don’t work out with the pirate to give him a call and we can go for a drink and chat.
The bonus page he mentioned was a poem. It was the one Tupac wrote for Jada. I had never heard of it before, he changed one word (referring to me as a woman rather than black woman, I think he wanted to keep race out of it). For those who don’t know it, it goes like this:
You are the omega of my heart
The foundation for my conception of love
When I think of what a woman should be
It’s you that I think of first
You will never fully understand
How deeply my heart feels for you
I worry that we’ll grow apart
And I’ll end up losing you
You bring me to climax without sex
And do it all with regal grace
You are my heart in human form
And a friend I could never replace
To say I was lost for words is an understatement. I texted him to say I had received the letter and how beautiful and moving it all was and that I wished him nothing but the best. He said he needed time to get over me and I told him I’d give him all the space he needed.
He initiated a conversation the next day and we were back to chatting with our old banter minus any sexual innuendos. He promised he’d stop talking about his feelings, yet a couple of days later he was saying how much he misses me. I honestly miss him too, almost 2 years of talking pretty much all day every day, you create a bond with that person that’s not so easily severed. He asked if I don’t think I’m making a mistake by giving up on us. I told him the only way I’d know I was making a mistake is if I could see the future and said that nothing is certain. I said I’d never regret choosing the pirate, no matter what happened, the same way I don’t regret any of the time we spent together. He said he understood.
Again he brought up the idea of me calling him and going for a drink if it doesn’t work out. I said that’s not my style and asked why he would you want to meet up with me knowing I chose someone else. He replied- I’d want to because I know this is all my fault, if it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t be with someone else right now and we’d be together. I told him I didn’t like the idea of him waiting around and not moving on so he said his door and life will be open to me as long as it can be and that he’s not ready to see someone new yet because he knows he’ll be sitting across the table from her wishing it was me.
I asked him if we could talk about something else and we changed the topic. I’ve tried to give him space because I don’t want to be that girl who has the guy she wants but is stringing along a back up just in case. I was talking to my sister about all of this and she asked what I would do if it doesn’t work out with the pirate, would I go back to Mr X. I told her I don’t even want to think about that. I can see a future with the pirate; marriage, kids, a happy life where he integrates well within my family. I want things to work, I don’t want to be thinking about what ifs.
Mr X has been a big part of my life and I’ve spent a lot of time crying over him especially after he said he was in love with me and told me he could see himself spending the rest of his life with me.
That letter and the poem especially, broke my heart because I know how badly I wanted to be loved by him. I know how much I struggled to keep my feelings at bay, I know how worried I felt about saying the slightest thing “emotional” for fear of being accused of having feelings and him ending what we had. I know how scared I felt to lose him, I know how sad I felt knowing he wasn’t mine and that we’d never truly be together.
No ones ever done so much to try to prove how strongly they feel about me… I just wish he’d done it sooner when my heart was still up for grabs.
-Love, Autumn x