Spent the weekend with the pirate. It was nice, we just chilled, ordered in and watched horror movies, which was a real change for us.
We did get ourselves off at the same time and showed each other a taste of the kind of porn we watch. It was a little weirder than I expected if im honest, every time I looked over at him and saw his face, I found myself giggling 🙈
He still hasn’t met my parents and I get that he finishes work late, but I’ve met his mum twice now, and my parents really want to meet him. My mum told me that it’s feeling like what I had with Mr X, in that they never met him and I was going away for a weekend with a guy they’ve never met. Of course I’m old enough to do so, and don’t need permission, but I got where she was coming from. The pirate seemed really up for it before, but I dunno… I brought it up when we were having coffee and he said he understood where they were coming from, but that was it, he didn’t offer days when he’s free or anything so I just dropped it.
Anyways… I started feeling a little sad, but I couldn’t put my finger on what was causing it. I sat down with my mum after he dropped me home, honestly all I wanted to do was go to bed, but she said she knew something was up. She told me she wants me to be happy and asked if I feel like the pirate is pulling away or something. I said not exactly. I said he’s going through some stuff right now. She said okay and then said that depression is a lifelong illness and warned me that people who are depressed can bring you down too, adding that I have my own depression to deal with, even if it’s mild it’s still present. She warned me that I need to be careful I don’t take on his problems and end up in the role of carer. I said nothing, but felt like she was being a bit harsh. What really surprised me is that she told me if I wanted to talk to Mr X, I can, reminding me that things aren’t official with the pirate and that men talk to and have friendships with their exes all the time. I didn’t respond to that either. I’m sure she was doing the protective mum thing, but it wasn’t exactly helpful.
I read the letter from Mr X and cried last night. I know I shouldn’t have read it, but I was missing him… a lot. Even before my mum brought him up. I miss talking to him, hanging with him… I miss his face. Sigh 😩 Don’t get me wrong, I’m still really into the pirate and I enjoy spending time with him, but I feel like I want more from him than I’m getting… Maybe I’m just being impatient.
Things I’ve been thinking about the pirate:
- For a while I wondered if he was pulling away, but now I don’t think that’s it. he’s pulling away, I do feel like we’ve reached a plateau though.
- I’ve said this before but the kissing thing still bothers me. He rarely iniates and we barely make out. It can’t have anything to do with PDA because we spent the weekend in a hotel and maybe made out once or twice.
- The label of girlfriend… This used to bother me, but I was taking to my youngest brother and said I don’t want the label if I can’t get the perks that come with it- knowing how someone feels about you and having them tell you and the feeling of moving forward etc… I said id rather have the perks and not the title, but right now I don’t have either.
- I’ve stopped thinking about time. Yes it’s “only” been two months, but when you see each other 1-2 times a week it’s bound to feel like a lot longer. I’m trying to stay present but it’s becoming increasingly difficult.
What do I want?
Sounds like a simple enough question doesn’t it?
The truth is the one thing I’ve always said I wanted more than anything else is to be happy. Sooo broad I know!! What is happiness? Is it having more happy days than sad ones, feeling loved, feeling fulfilled, having someone to build a future with, having you perfect career? Yes it’s all relative, happiness doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone.
I’ve searched for this answer for years- what does happiness mean to me? I’m still waiting for clarity on this. I’m waiting for a lot of things right now, and waiting can be a really hard thing to do…
-Love, Autumn x