After replying to one of the pirate’s messages with this cryptic text: “Things don’t always work out the way you want them to, learning that more and more everyday,” I knew it would lead to a conversation where I’d be able to get some things off my chest and I’d either be happy and relieved about the outcome or down and maybe even a little heart broken.
When he asked me what I meant, I explained to him that although my feelings for him haven’t changed, I question how he really feels about me… Too often. I can’t have another repeat of Mr X where I’m being held at arms length because of the past. It’s not fair and I won’t do it again. I can’t fall in love with someone who doesn’t feel an inch of what I feel for him. Been there done that!
I’m sick of wondering when I’ll get my “happily ever after” and I know life is not a fairytale, but I just want my chance at happiness, with someone who loves and cares about me.
I wrote the above, earlier on in the day…
He replied that his feelings for me haven’t changed either, but said he’s not as stable as he thought he was and that his depression has him in a dark place right now. He knows I want to be there for him, which means a lot to him, but he needs to sort himself out.
He doesn’t want me to be there for him right now…
I told him I understood and that I’ll give him some space for now and he replied- thanks ❤️
I hate seeing him struggling like this and although it hurts me to see him in pain and it hurts that he’s pushing me away, for now, knowing his feelings for me remain unchanged, gives me a little hope. On Friday he’s getting his medication increased and he’s already warned me it’ll probably get worse before it gets better.
I hope this doesn’t sound selfish, but I do feel a little sad about the timing of all of this. It’s my birthday on the 21st and I really hoped we’d do something together… I doubt that now. We have tickets to see a band from New Orleans, the second week of November so I’m guessing that’s the next time I’ll see him. I know he won’t miss it, he’s been waiting a year or so for that.
I wonder if we’ll still chat on whatsapp? 🤔 I’ll leave the ball in his court. I’m not one to easily give up on someone, but obviously I can’t wait forever with him not letting me in. Whatever happens, I think I’ll know when it’s time to say something or walk away.
-Love, Autumn x