How do you really feel about me?

After replying to one of the pirate’s messages with this cryptic text: “Things don’t always work out the way you want them to, learning that more and more everyday,” I knew it would lead to a conversation where I’d be able to get some things off my chest and I’d either be happy and relieved about the outcome or down and maybe even a little heart broken.

When he asked me what I meant, I explained to him that although my feelings for him haven’t changed, I question how he really feels about me… Too often. I can’t have another repeat of Mr X where I’m being held at arms length because of the past. It’s not fair and I won’t do it again. I can’t fall in love with someone who doesn’t feel an inch of what I feel for him. Been there done that!

I’m sick of wondering when I’ll get my “happily ever after” and I know life is not a fairytale, but I just want my chance at happiness, with someone who loves and cares about me.

I wrote the above, earlier on in the day…

He replied that his feelings for me haven’t changed either, but said he’s not as stable as he thought he was and that his depression has him in a dark place right now. He knows I want to be there for him, which means a lot to him, but he needs to sort himself out.

He doesn’t want me to be there for him right now…

I told him I understood and that I’ll give him some space for now and he replied- thanks ❤️

I hate seeing him struggling like this and although it hurts me to see him in pain and it hurts that he’s pushing me away, for now, knowing his feelings for me remain unchanged, gives me a little hope. On Friday he’s getting his medication increased and he’s already warned me it’ll probably get worse before it gets better. 

I hope this doesn’t sound selfish, but I do feel a little sad about the timing of all of this. It’s my birthday on the 21st and I really hoped we’d do something together… I doubt that now. We have tickets to see a band from New Orleans, the second week of November so I’m guessing that’s the next time I’ll see him.  I know he won’t miss it, he’s been waiting a year or so for that. 

I wonder if we’ll still chat on whatsapp? 🤔 I’ll leave the ball in his court. I’m not one to easily give up on someone, but obviously I can’t wait forever with him not letting me in. Whatever happens, I think I’ll know when it’s time to say something or walk away.

-Love, Autumn x

18 comments

  1. geminilvr · 16 Days Ago

    I’ve been reading your past few blog posts and I see my own behavior in some of them. My advice is that you need to stop pressing him so much. I have learned that when you keep pressing for answers and responses it makes them retreat more, especially if they are struggling with something as difficult as depression. I know it is hard and I have done the same thing with pushing for answers and telling them exactly how I’m feeling and what I want. And yes honesty and open communication is necessary to make a relationship work but you need to worry about you and what all this is doing to you too. Step away for a bit and give him his space like you said and let him come back to you, when he is ready. It sucks, I’ve been there too. But I’ve also come to realize that relationships should not be that hard, especially in the beginning stages.

    Liked by 2 people

    • autumnsinnerthoughts · 16 Days Ago

      I wish I had read this before I sent my last message 🙈 Yeah my mum keeps saying the same thing to me about how relationships shouldn’t be that hard in the beginning. I’m just so stuck on that fact that if he’s depressed it’s not his fault… I really don’t want to walk away from him.
      I have thought about letting him come back to me when he’s ready, but I also don’t want to just be waiting around until he decided when I’m allowed back into his life… It’s so hard, especially when Mr X, my sort of ex, still wants me back 😩

      Liked by 1 person

      • geminilvr · 16 Days Ago

        You definitely don’t need to walk away yet…just live your life and be open to love if it happens. If it’s meant to be with him it will happen

        Liked by 2 people

      • autumnsinnerthoughts · 16 Days Ago

        Yeah I’ll see what happens, in my most recent message I’ve said what it means to me not hearing from him for a whole day so if he ignores the message and I don’t hear from him by Sunday, it’ll say a lot to me.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. bone&silver · 15 Days Ago

    Read ‘Attached’. You’re being Anxious, & he’s being Avoidant: it’s a classic & addictive dynamic that serves you both in a negative way. Your Mum is right: love should feel easy & kinda calm when you start

    Liked by 2 people

    • autumnsinnerthoughts · 15 Days Ago

      Maybe… I just find it hard to overlook the fact that he’s depressed and going to his doctor tomorrow to have his meds increased. Our dynamic was very casual and easy going before he started struggling with everything and I’m hoping we can get back to that

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Sophia · 15 Days Ago

    I’ve been reading your blog for a little while but this post compelled me to comment since this crossroad can make a difference in the kind of relationship you may decide to walk away from or establish a dynamic you’ll be stuck with this early on. I too agree with your Mami and Gabrielle’s assesment, especially when he specifically said that he didn’t want your help. If he’s an avoidant he may be avoiding telling you something happened and he’s having second thoughts. It’s important you consider this. The more important question is “how do you really feel about it?” Can you see yourself in a long term relationship with someone who will do this from now on? Can you live full time with the worry of when or how it’s gonna happen again? How many times it’s going to make you feel unloved or unwanted? The more you allow yourself to be vulnerable and fall in love the harder it will be.
    I once was privy to a group discussion where two guys commented on how hard it is to break up with someone who has private pictures and conversations, can access friends or family through social media, so to avoid a big fight they either do the slow fade (with various and vague reasons) or tell them a sad story where they are victims of whatever and can’t handle a relationship “at the moment”. Ever since then I’ve become a cynic of both reasons every time I hear about them.
    At some point actions have to be better than words, especially with someone you just met. Knowing someone for a couple of months is not really a reliable reason for trusting everything they say. As women we need to remember this and remind each other, otherwise everyone’s gonna be on the same boat without a rudder traveling aimlessly nowhere. Time is the one thing we can’t buy, make or recycle. It’s the rarest and most expensive commodity and luxury we give another human being or cause.

    Liked by 1 person

    • autumnsinnerthoughts · 15 Days Ago

      Honestly I have thought about it… A lot. My go to reaction to this sort of behaviour from guys (pulling away) is that he’s done something or changed his mind about me, but we’ve always been so honest with each other and some of the things we’ve shared, they just aren’t things you share with just anyone. The one thing we always do is tell each other the truth so I don’t think he’s using his depression as an excuse… I’ve seen him struggling with it and still take me out on a date and try to look as relaxed and carefree as he could.
      I can’t say I “know” because no one knows, but I think it is something I could live with long term. His depression just isn’t a deal breaker for me and I know I might sound really naive but my parents are both psychologists and it’s my area of work too so I know what it would mean for me to be with him long term. That being said, it’s different if you’re with someone who will lean on you vs push you away during their times of need. I’m someone who pushes people away so this is hypocritical but im monitoring the situation as I can’t have a future where every time he’s depressed he pushes me away. However, I’m reminding myself that we’re not even in a relationship so why would he lean on me. He’s always seemed really embarrassed about his depression and when this bad spell is over, even if we just end up as friends, I’m going to tell him how he made me feel pushing me away and that he shouldn’t be so embarrassed about it.
I agree time is precious, so I won’t wait forever, but for now I’m not ready to walk away, whether it works out for me or not, I’m okay with spending a little time on the possibility that it does.

      Like

      • Sophia · 15 Days Ago

        I feel much better knowing you have those thoughts swirling in your head, AutumnXO. Some people ignore them, put them away, and before you know it they’re off on the quest like Don Quijote to save a relationship only they want to salvage. “Love conquers All” is a dual effort. In the beginning of all relationships (not just romantic) we need to be more like Jacques Cousteau, exploring the new unknown from the safety of a strong and reliable vessel. That vessel is what protects us from danger. Our vessel is the protection of both heart and mindXO.

        Liked by 1 person

      • autumnsinnerthoughts · 15 Days Ago

        You’re absolutely spot on!! I’ve spent years ignoring the signs, completely swept up in fantasy land lol but now I pay closer attention to what people say and more so, what they’re not saying.

        Like

  4. L. Rorschach · 14 Days Ago

    Wow. I didn’t see this coming at all! I’m so sorry. It especially sucks so close to your birthday. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    • autumnsinnerthoughts · 14 Days Ago

      Yeah I know, I finally thought I’d get to spend my birthday with someone for once, but that’s not gonna happen… Oh well! He got his meds increased today so I’m hoping he’ll feel slightly better soon, even though I know it’ll probably get worse before it gets better.

      Liked by 1 person

      • L. Rorschach · 12 Days Ago

        I know how you feel – I tend to be newly single on my birthday, too. 😦 I’m sure the med increase will help a lot.

        Liked by 1 person

      • autumnsinnerthoughts · 12 Days Ago

        It’s Sod’s law isn’t it!! Yeah I think it will 😊

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Barbara Brazen · 14 Days Ago

    There are so many things I hope to teach my children about dating! The biggest thing is to find a love that’s easy. It’s not always always perfect and easy but the best relationships are easier than the ones we find out are bad for us. It sounds like this one is starting rough and yay you if you want to work at it in hopes it betters but also yay you if you want to be available for something else that may come along and be the right kind of easy. I’m wishing you luck in finding the best love for your life!

    Liked by 1 person

    • autumnsinnerthoughts · 14 Days Ago

      Thanks 😊 Dating hasn’t been easy for me at all, I’ve met one asshole after another, so when I meet a really sweet guy who’s going through a rough time, it’s hard to walk away, knowing how it is out there and how it’s been for me on the dating scene. I also really care for him so even if it’s just in a friendly way I know I’m gonna be there for him if he wants/needs me.

      Like

  6. Nina · 10 Days Ago

    My ex suffered depression and became very insular during those spells. It was quite challenging to connect with him. I often felt torn—how could I be there for him and not be overbearing? How could I also get my needs met? It sure is tricky and I agree with so many of your other readers that love needn’t be quite as complicated. That was one of the biggest takeaways in my past relationship. It was simply too hard. I’ll read on and wish you well. Oh and my bday is October 22!

    Liked by 1 person

    • autumnsinnerthoughts · 10 Days Ago

      Yeah it’s definitely not going to be easy! Ahh mine is the 21st if I haven’t said that in my post lol can’t remember. My sister is the 19th and my mum is the 8th so all the ladies in my family are October borns 😊

      Liked by 1 person

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