I arrived at around 8:45pm confused out of my mind at the place I’d been dropped off to. I’d been there before with the pirate and his mum, but for some reason I’d thought the event was elsewhere. Anyways I called him to make sure it was the right place and saw him walk outside. My heart skipped a beat when I saw him 🙈
When I walked up the path and towards him he was mid conservation so I waited for him to finish before I greeted him and we hugged for ages. I didn’t wanna let go and it felt like he didn’t either. There was a little small talk, but we mostly just stared at each other like neither of us really knew what to say. Awkward #1 Then he said we should go inside. He was searching his pockets for his wallet which he’d left inside, I told him I could just pay for entry but he wasn’t having it so I waited for him to get it. When we got inside he said he’d buy me a drink, but he didn’t have any money. Awkward #2 I didn’t care that he couldn’t buy me a drink, I can afford to buy my own drinks, what made it awkward was him saying it and the look on his face almost like shame and guilt. Truth be told I wasn’t planning on drinking anyway, I’d taken 4 ibuprofen just before leaving the house so alcohol wasn’t on the cards for me either way. He then asked if I wanted water… I actually really did, so I’m not sure why his water offer added to the awkwardness I was already feeling, but moving on.
True to his word the pirate has lots to do during the night so he was either greeting people who had come to see them, working the stall for the merchandise or after the show, packing and cleaning up. I made a little small talk with a couple ladies, Lizzie, the wife of one of the band members and the other I think might be the bassists girlfriend. I was pretty much on my own the entire night. I was feeling a little lonely and wanted to talk to someone so I called my cousin, sister then brother but no one answered, which made me feel sad because it reminded me that I don’t have many friends. I would’ve called Noah but he’s at some rehab retreat in Thailand.
The show was amazing! They were great and the crowd loved them. I always feel so proud when I see him up there on stage singing his heart out. A couple of times I think I caught his eye and he smiled mid song… or maybe I’ve created that fantasy lol.
After the show, Lizzie came over and said I looked lonely sitting by myself. Then she asked me how things were going with the pirate. Awkward #3. I looked over at him, he was standing by the wall and talking to some guy. I told her things were good. I did added that this was the first time I’d seen him in six weeks. Her face said it all, she was wowed by what I had said and told me that’s a really long time. She then asked if I have been really busy at work lately, I think she felt as if work was what was getting in the way, how wrong could she be 😅 after that she asked me if the pirate had asked me to be his girlfriend yet. I said no. Then she asked if we were seeing other people again I said no, so she said oh so you’re exclusive and I said yeah. Then she said- oh so maybe he sees you as a girlfriend but he’s just not saying it, so I said well I don’t like to assume things. Then she said he’s really not that kind of guy you don’t have to worry about that. Shortly after she left, my cousin rang me back and I stepped outside to chat about my night. Then the pirate came out Awkward #4 she quickly caught on that he was there and we’d have to finish the convo later, which we did.
He sat down next to me and things felt super awkward as neither of us were really talking, just exchanging glances. I was freezing and he gave me the jacket I’d just given back to him. I felt like I was in a scene where a break up was about to happen. He suddenly looked really down and was looking at the floor, then he looked at me and asked me- do you think I’m a little bit fucked up? I said no and gave him a hug. While I was hugging him he thanked me for coming.
He brought up the topic of the gig that we were supposed to be going to the next day, the one I didn’t think he was going to go to. I gave him my ticket and told him to give it to someone so it doesn’t go to waste. He looked sad and confused so I said, you’re not going, then he said he was, so I told him he should hold onto it in case he changes his mind and if he’s up for it on the night he can give it back to me when we meet up. He looked really reluctant but eventually took the ticket.
He asked me if I wanted to continue talking in the car where it would be warmer warmer so I said okay and we walked to the car. When we got there we sat in silence pretty much with the same glances every now and again. Several times he engage me in Smalltalk that felt a little forced. I don’t know I just felt a bit lost and sad like we had lost something. He knew I hadn’t had much sleep so he asked me if I want to go back to hotel to sleep and I said yes, knowing that would mean saying goodbye. When he dropped me off I hugged him goodbye and he thanked me again for coming. I said no problem and I left.
He texted me later on today thanking me again for coming and to say sorry. I asked him why he said sorry and he responded- for me being the way I am. The gig thing didn’t happen, turns out he never actually got a purchase confirmation, so he probably never actually bought one and just thought he did. Today has been a long list of apologies for letting me down, and he asked if I’m disappointed in him. Honestly, I’m just a little sad. I miss him so much, more than I thought was humanly possible. I thought seeing him would make me feel better, but somehow I feel worse… I don’t want to miss him anymore 😔
I love him…
-Love, Autumn x