Today we decided to take a break. I didn’t feel like I had a choice- it was lose you for a while or forever, and I couldn’t bear the thought of a forever without you. I think i’m a little in denial though, or maybe i’m hopeful, optimistic about us. I don’t feel like its the end.. maybe that’s why I haven’t cried.
My first full day without you. No morning text… even if it felt like it had become obligatory- a chain around your neck. I missed you most when I got to work. I felt a wave of sadness sweep over me. It took me by surprise, my eyes welled up, but I shook off the feeling and got back to work. At night time, I pictured lying in your arms.
I woke up and my mind went straight to you. I wondered if you were okay, how you slept. I wondered if this would get easier. Some days I wonder if I did this to you… today is one of those days. Has knowing me ruined Christmas for you? I wrote a poem at work today, it was inspired by you. Its called “The other side of Love.” I think that maybe you know I love you, but I wonder if you know I’m “in love” with you. I have been for a while. I just couldn’t tell you and put more emotional stress on you. It isn’t fair, so I kept quiet, but I do… I am. I’m in love with you!
Oh Pirate, I can’t explain how much I miss you! I know we already spent 6 weeks apart, but I had no idea what a simple text could do to the distance between us. I wonder when i’ll wake up with you not on my mind, I hope its soon… I hope you’re okay. Today i’m going to Derby for the weekend. I need this… I hope I don’t think of you.
I desperately want to write something fun or exciting or insightful, but honestly the words in my head screaming to be birthed on paper are “I miss you.” It’s funny how you can miss someone you haven’t known that long, but then again, I know that time is not a measure of love and affection. Guess I achieved insightful after all. I admit I thought of you again this morning- how you were… and selfishly if you had thought of me even once… I was certain you didn’t miss me, which stung a little. It made me remember my dream- when this is all done and you’re feeling better, you told me you had met someone else… I was heart broken. Please don’t break my heart Pirate.
Last night I couldn’t get you off my mind. I let a few tears escape, but don’t worry, I quickly pulled myself together. I’m really trying here, but I must admit it’s hard. I miss you so much! I miss your smell… badly. I miss your laugh, that cheeky grin, the way you said “what?” every time I made that face or you caught me staring at you. I miss staring at you. I miss the way it feels to be held by you. There are a lot of things I miss, but ultimately it all comes down to missing you. I can’t believe you don’t see how special you are, but don’t worry, I’ll show you… I promise x
-Love, Autumn x