Last night I cried. I’ve been trying so hard not to. I thought that if I cried it would mean I was accepting that it was over between us. For now, I’m changing that narrative. I cried because I needed to let it out. I’m hurting and I can’t keep ignoring that, so when I need to, I’ll let my tears fall… unapologetically. I need to be kinder to myself, I know you’d want that too. Hurry back to me… please.
I feel so alone Pirate and it’s not just about you. Yes, I still feel the bitter sting of your absence, but it’s more than that. I felt it when I was alone at the EP launch. My already small social circle is getting narrower and I’m not the best at putting myself out there socially. I find it a little awkward. Sigh… I can’t explain how much I feel your absence, how much it hurts. I hope you never have to feel what I’m feeling right now. I love you x I worry about you… a lot, more than I know you’d want me to. I can’t help it though. I said I’d give you space and I’m trying to respect that, but I don’t know how you are, if you’re okay. I want to ask you, but I fear it might drive you away so I’m left stuck with this conundrum- bother you with a question you’re probably sick of hearing, just to ease my own anxiety or leave you alone like you want me to, to ease your own… by now you know the choice I made.
I spoke to your mum yesterday. I was feeling desperate and conflicted. Honestly, I just wanted to know you were okay… whatever that means right now. She’s worried about you, your sister is too. You are so loved Pirate!! You mean so much to so many people. Today my mum asked how you were and she told me she could fast track an appointment for you to see Dr C, a psychiatrist… I hope you go. I was a little hesitant as I don’t want to seem intrusive, but my mum told me to tell your mum and it’s up to her what she does with the information, so I did. I care more about you getting better than what you or your family think of me. So if I have to be the naggy, overbearing, pushy girl, who has no right to be, and is totally crossing a line, then I guess that’s who I am now. I’ll cross a million lines for you… just don’t expect me to risk jail time because that’s a no no! lol. I love you xx (p.s I’m a good girl 😇)
One of these days maybe I’ll wake up without you on my mind, but today is not that day. Today I feel hopeful though. After speaking to your mum, I feel like things are about to get better for you, so I’m holding onto hope! xx I had a great day at work today. I felt very accomplished and quite confident, which is rare for me. I saw that you’ve got a gig with BG on the 1st, I hope you’re not stressing too much. I think that the fact that you’re still playing is great! Keep fighting baby, you are so much stronger than you think.
I hope you don’t think I’m weird for doing this. I just want you to know that I never gave up on you, not for a second. I wrote the following before I fell asleep last night/this morning… “It’s after 12 am and I can’t sleep. I’ve been crying again… a lot, I feel like I can’t stop. I was reading over our messages from the week before our break and realised I had been so selfish. I knew how much you were struggling yet I still dumped all my feelings on you and made you feel guilty for how I was feeling. I’m soo sorry Pirate. I already feel like I played a part in your struggle, however ridiculous that may sound… or perhaps it doesn’t. Perhaps you thought the same thing and that’s why you began to pull away… sigh. I can’t sleep. I want to call you, to hear your voice, to tell you how sorry I am. I want to be with you and it makes me so sad to think that that might never happen…” I keep having these dreams about you leaving me. I can’t help, but wonder if they mean something. I hope not. The thought hurts me. I’ll try not to dwell on it though, after all they’re just thoughts…right?
I spend a lot of time worrying. Not just about how you are, but if you know I miss you and I’m still here for you. It’s probably the last thing on your mind though, which is understandable. All I want to do is type those three words and press send. I want to tell you that I love you… how much I love you, but I don’t want the first time I say it to be through a screen. I want to hold you, to look into your eyes, for you to see the emotion in mine, for you to see how much I mean it. I don’t want you to doubt me the first time I tell you that I love you, so I’ll wait.
I feel surprisingly calm this morning. I’m finding it difficult to put my finger on it… is it the calm before the storm? Of course my mind would go there. I had a dream about you. I went to Spitalfields to do some Christmas shopping and I saw you with your family. You definitely didn’t look pleased to see me, but we had a quick chat and you were embarrassed about how you looked. I told you that you didn’t need to be at 100% or even 20% for me to be around you, I’d even be there at 1%. Then we parted ways and I pictured lying in silence with you, on your bed, cuddling, you talking, me talking, you sleeping while I ran my hands through your hair and read quietly to myself. I could be there for you… just there, beside you. Showing you you’re not alone, showing you you never need to be anything, but yourself with me, because no matter how you feel or look, it’s not going to change the fact that I love you!! xxxx
-Love, Autumn x<