Today, I’m strongly feeling that you don’t want anything to do with me. I just can’t figure out if it’s because you genuinely don’t want a future with me or because you want more for me. Honestly, there is no “more” for me. You are it! I’ll never be able to explain it to you, to get this point across to you, and even if I could, somehow I doubt you’d believe it, but you mean the world to me. You are everything I want in a partner, my heart beats for you. I’ll be your biggest fan, your fiercest supporter and I’ll weather the storms, no matter how many come our way, because I truly believe what we have is worth fighting for… I almost got hit by a car today, I was shaken and I wanted to talk to you. Your voice always makes me feel better. Lucky for me I have all the voice notes you recorded for me. I love you so much Pirate, soo much xoxo
I cried again last night and once the tears started they just wouldn’t stop. I cried myself to sleep. It’s hard seeing you constantly online on Facebook. It makes me wonder if you’re online talking to someone new. It makes me wonder if there’s someone else out there who can be there for you when I can’t, who can bring a little light to your life, who can make you feel better. My heart hurts at the thought, but at the same time, the thought of you feeling better makes me happy, even if it’s not me who gets to make you feel that way. I feel so stupid and naive, like you’re trying to tell me more with your silence than I’m willing to believe. This morning as I made my tea “you don’t want it” (something he used to say in a jamaican accent that always made me laugh) came into my head and I smiled. I saw my mum’s umbrella on the chair and remembered when you bought an umbrella to keep me dry on a date. I remembered when you bought me porridge and cookies that were dairy free so I could have something to eat while you were at work. I remembered all the little thoughful things you did and it made me smile, and I felt lucky to have met you.
Today I reached out, just a little message to let you know I was still here for you and I haven’t given up on you, not for a second. I woke up feeling like I really needed to tell you that, like you really needed to know. I had to do it. The silence between us can continue, but as long as you know I’m still here, I hope the thought brings you even the tiniest of light during these dark days. I wish I knew what you were thinking, what’s going on in that head of yours. I wish I could fix this for you, I wish I had all the answers. I told you that you didn’t have to reply to my message, In truth, I just wanted you to read it, to know I’m still here, as I thought, you didn’t reply.
Today I’m thankful… for your mum. Not only did she bring you into this world and raise you to be the kind, caring, selfless, respectful and handsome man that I love,but she’s been so lovely to me. From the day we met, she’s made me feel accepted, cared for and important to you and her. And now, in your time of darkness, where you’ve completely cut me out of your life and pushed me away, she’s been there. To let me know you’re okay, to listen to my worries and give me words of kindness that only boost my resolve, my patience, my hope that one day you’ll return to me. Oh how I long to see your smile again.
It’s December baby! The 23rd seems within reach, but lets face it, there’s a big chance you wont be up for meeting and although I’m trying to be positive, I must admit it’s hard because as cheesy as it may sound, this year honestly, all I want for Christmas is you Pirate x
Honestly, today… in fact lately, I feel as though I don’t have much to say. I love you and miss you, that’s a given, but what else can I say? There was so much I wanted to do with you this Christmas, it would’ve been amazing, making all those memories. I can only hope we have next year. I was thinking today of how much better it would have been if I had fallen in love with you at a time when I could actually express it to you, as it’s so hard not being able to tell you, but LOVE doesn’t wait for the perfect moment, it doesn’t knock politely at the door, it kicks it down when you least expect it and barges in… whether you want it to or not. For the record, I love loving you x
Today we’re putting up the Christmas tree so I’m sure I’ll have my hands full, barking orders and getting annoyed when they’re not followed lol it’s almost become a Christmas tradition that strangely we ALL look forward to, that and no one wnating me to play the song “Christmas Shoes” they say its too sad. I still miss you, but that’s a given. I’m dying for a signthat you still care about me, that you still want this to work, but somehow I know I won’t get it. All I can say is I’m happy you’re still performing, it means you’re still in there somewhere. I got to watch you live via Instagram thanks to Lizzie, she’s great and you guys were too… of course. Everytime you pick up the mic and sing, you wow the crowd and me among them. Your talent and your fight- even through everything you’re going through, to be able to put on a show the way you do, amazes me. You make me so proud! You blow me away Pirate! You’re amazing x
-Love, Autumn x