Yesterday we put up the Christmas tree. My brother and sister came round and for the first time in ages all 5 of us were home at the same time, along with mum and dad. I love this time of year and I love putting up the tree with them even though they piss me off every year it’s all playful banter, but yesterday I felt nothing.
I honestly felt a little dead inside. It’s so easy for me to point the finger and blame people for my mood.
- I could blame my sister who kept talking about her boyfriend who she lives with and they’re moving into a new place together in the new year and they’re doing stuff on their YouTube channel and everyone in the family is so interested in him and they think he’s great!
- I could blame my older brother for talking about his girlfriend and the trip they went on to France. How much she wants to meet us all. 🤮
- I could blame my family for egging them both on, prying for more information. Yeah we get it you’re in love and you’re happy and yes I’m aware of how bitter I sound.
- Of course the easiest person to blame would be the pirate. The way he’s pushed me away has affected me deeply, without question, but his actions cannot be solely to blame for how I feel because the truth is this feeling isn’t new.
When I was about 15 or so and was living in Barbados, I used to have really bad mood swings. I always found them difficult to come out of, but it was pretty much chalked up to the whole moody teenager persona. In fact, if I really think about it my moods could go back further to when I was a kid- as young as 8 or 9. My mum told me I would get in the most terrible moods based on the smallest altercations and end up ruining family days out and photographs. There are sooo many photos where my scowl/frown are on show, but again I think it was chalked up to me just being a moody kid.
I’ve always handled it on my own, never really felt like I needed help with my moods. My mum often joked that I was bipolar and I laughed it off in that sarcastic “haha very funny” way. I knew it couldn’t be that because there was no mania, I was in a regular mood, or a low one, there weren’t really any unnatural highs, so I didn’t think much of it. For a while I suspected Seasonal Affective Disorder, because at ages 15 through to about 17/18 I found myself feeling down around the same time of year Oct/Nov, and maybe that is what it was back then, but there’s no set time for my low moods now so it’s not that.
I used to think I had OCD for a while I school, because I would have really inappropriate thoughts, that grossed me out to my core and I found it really difficult to shake the images at times. I was always too embarrassed to tell anyone, so I kept silent. I also had this weird obsession with the number 4. I didn’t have to do things 4 times because I thought something bad would happen if I didn’t, but I did feel a sense of satisfaction when I ate things in groups of four or the rare occasion I did do things four times. Four is my lucky number to this day and 16… ohh sweet 16, is even sweeter as it’s 4×4, if I’m at the casino at the roulette table, you better believe I’m putting chips on a 4 and 16. But getting real I don’t have OCD I was just a little weird.. still am to be fair.
When I was 18 and I came back to the UK, I returned with minimal self confidence. Somewhere in my 7 years living in Barbados I had lost part of who I was. The girl who could get on stage and sing solo in the school choir or perform on stage in a play without fear, she had died without me even realising it. While my siblings were at school making friends, I was looking for a job, friendless and feeling very alone. My pride stopped me from hanging out with my sister and cousin’s friends and so I retreated into myself. Even when I got a job I wasn’t very sociable, I kept to myself. It’s hard to explain it, but I longed for friends and hated feeling lonely all the time, but the thought of talking to new people made me feel so anxious, scared and most of all awkward (it still does). When I went to uni I had to push myself past the awkwardness and I did make a few friends, Noah is from my uni days and I’m happy to say he’s one of my best friends. This social anxiety feels so restricting and I know it’s something I’ve got to work on.
Last year August, I fell into one of the worst states I’ve ever experienced (besides this one I’m currently in). I was extremely depressed and went to my GP for help. I had it all rehearsed in my mind that I would finally come out and say I was feeling depressed, but at the last second I chickened out and told her I was feeling anxious. Technically, I was anxious too- I was walking around feeling soo much tension in my chest, whenever someone raised their voice, the tension tightened, the mere sound of my mother’s shrill voice caused me actual pain, if my parents were trying to figure who had done something negative like break a glass or an ornament, I would feel this overwhelming sense of guilt. In fact, I felt generally guilty when I had done nothing wrong. I also felt very fearful. I was afraid to make mistakes at work, I was afraid of rejection in my dating life (back then I was dating Mr X, before we had sex). Most of all I was afraid that people would find out I’m a fraud. Even today, I am constantly praised for my contributions at work and even got a promotion and raise and it all comes with even more responsibility and yet no matter how many professionals say how much they enjoy working with me or how talented I am or that they wish they could clone me, it doesn’t matter becuase I dont feel like this person they’re describing. Back then, my relationship with Mr X helped me feel more like myself again. I was sooo sad all the time and talking to him, made me feel so happy.
I don’t want my happiness to be dependent on a guy, thats unhealthy, but for now I feel like I really need my friend.
Mr X knows about my moods and has been on the receiving end of many of my “switches.” About a week ago, he noticed I was being quite short with him, and distant and told me I could always talk to him if I wanted to, but honestly it was the last thing I wanted to do, plus I still felt like it would be a betrayal to the pirate, especially considering we (Mr X and I) ended up kissing last time I saw him (pre-exclusivity converstaion with the pirate). I love the pirate so I don’t think I will feel any temptation, but I’m also not feeling like myself so maybe I shouldn’t risk it. I honestly don’t know what will happen with the pirate, as much as I want there to be a future for us, I don’t know if it’ll happen. All I know is, he’s putting himself first right now and I need to do the same.
I said I was going to start eating better and going to the gym- I havent made it to the gym yet, but my first week of healthy eating led to me losing 5 lbs, my mum and younger brother were happier for me than I was, I could just about muster a smile. Last night, when I got compliments that I looked like I had lost weight, I simply smiled and said thanks (I’m not starving myself or anything like that by the way, but eating a balanced vegan diet, 3 months Vegan!!). Yep I obviously wasn’t feeling like myself. On that note, today I got a referral to a psychiatrist today to get myself sorted once and for all. No more speculating what causes my mood swings. My mum thinks its hormonal, it could be, I’ve always had issues with my hormones- I’ve had a pretty irregular cycle my whole life, ranging from 18 days to 108 days… yup! Messed up indeed!!
Honestly, I would really like to stop crying as much as I have been. The majority of the time, I’m not even thinking about the pirate when the tears start silently flowing, but they do and I can’t put my finger on what’s causing it. Luckily, the uncontrollable tears are a night time affliction and I can function properly at work. I struggle most when I’m alone in my room. I’ve cried several times while writing this post. Its tiring, I’m tired and on that note, I’m off to bed. Night
-Love, Autumn x