Week 4 without the Pirate

Day 20

I was a mess yesterday! I fell apart in a way i’m not exactly unfamiliar with. I’ve always had trouble managing my moods. You’ve seen this first hand when  I ruined a perfectly good night out with my mood, right as we were heading home. Yesterday I was feeling really low, but it happened so quickly! One minute I’m enjoying my music, rocking out to some old school alternative, and then I go downstairs to help put up the Christmas tree and my mood dropped. My mum was not impressed and my brother was worried. Mum said I need to seek help for my mood swings as they have a negative effect on everyone else and it’s not fair. I can’t say I’m surprised. Last night I went to my GP about how I felt, she said it sounded like depression and gave me meds, but I only took them for a few days (I hate how quick they throw meds at you). My moods are direct reactions triggered by things i see or hear or a feeling that sweeps over me. I’m getting myself sorted out, I need to now more than ever.

Day 21

My heart hurts and my eyes are sore from all the crying and yet here I am, writing to you. Maybe I’m a masochist. I had a dream last night that I recieved a text from you… more like a nightmare as I woke up suddenly, fear running through me and I only managed to read a little bit of it. It said “I’d rather break 100 hearts than break yours,” and it made me think the end is coming… yes that sounds dramatic, but at 5am that’s the vibe I was feeling. I really hope it was just a stupid dream that doesn’t mean anything.

Day 22

Today was a good day for me. We had a packed clinic with back to back appointments and they all went really well. I felt really accomplished, it was a great feeling. My little brother played me a song on the ukelele, it was mesmerising, soo good! Then he asked for one of my poems he could turn into a song. I gave him one I wrote years ago called “The Young Girl” and he played me a taster. It was hauntingly beautiful just as it was supposed to be. He’s such a talent that one! Maybe one day you two will jam. I hope you’re well and still fighting the good fight. I miss you xoxo

Day 23

Today one of those memory videos about 2017 came up on Facebook. It showed me a few new friends I made this year; you, your mum and aunt. I couldnt help but  smile. Then it showed picture memories and I saw one of you on stage and one of us lying on the grass at Greenwich Park. I was surprised at how I felt. I expected to feel sad, to feel a longing to go back, but I didnt. I felt happy. Happy to have met you, happy to have gotten the chance to make those memories and happy and lucky to have ever experienced your kindness and the way you made me feel so special. Pirate, I’m so happy you were in my 2017 and hope you’ll be in my 2018 xoxo

Day 24

Today, I was thinking, some would probably look at what’s happened between us and feel sorry for me, I know you did. You kept apologising, you said this wasn’t fair on me, you asked if i was disappointed in you, you asked if I thought you were a little fucked upu. You had no idea I loved you and didnt need your apology, that i thought it wasnt fair on you to feel that way, that i could never be disappointed in you when you were trying so hard to be there for me, while struggling to hold onto who you were, that not even for a second did i ever think you were fucked up. I saw you at your lowest, a prisoner to your depression and I wasn’t scared off like some may have been. I simply saw the guy I fell in love with and a burden I’d help him carry, if he’d let me. You know, if i could have anything in the world, any selfish wish granted to me, I’d wish you never had to struggle like this again. Whether or not I got to be part of your life or not, I’d want your skies to always be blue and your aura to be red!

Day 25

Today I’ll keep it brief as I’ve spent the entire day in bed watching TV on my laptop. I finally went to get food at 3pm and my hands were shaking because of how weak I felt, soo not good! I guess by watching TV all day I haven’t had time to think or should I say dwell on how I feel about us. Maybe that’s a good thing. I know how I feel about you and how you once felt about me and I’m going to hold on to that feeling because it makes me feel happy and it makes me feel  strong. I love you Pirate.

Day 26

This might sound a bit stalkerish, but lets face it, thats my speciality so here goes- whenever I see you haven’t been online on Facebook for hours, I get worried. I worry that something bad has happened to you and it makes me so anxious. Not feeling able to reach out and check on you has been hard, and resisting the urge to ask your mum how you are, is hard too. All I can do is hope to see you online. It won’t clue me in to exactly how you are, but I’ll be able to rest a little easier knowing you’re okay… you’re still here.

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