Today was a good day! We spoke on Facebook briefly, well to be honest t o responded to my little melt down where I accused you of ghosting me. I was feeling really hurt that you didn’t respond to my text checking up on you. When you responded and assured me you weren’t ghosting me, it made me feel relieved. You said you were really sorry that this was so hard on me and I swear I also told you I loved you. I wanted to explain why you can trust that I wont leave you. I know there’s no point counting down til the 23rd, you wontbe better and that’s okay. I let you off the hook, as much as I wanted to see you, you don’t need the pressure.
I’m questioning why I’m still doing this. Writing, counting down the days, when I know I won’t see you on the 23rd. It’s therapeutic, writing to you. I get to say the things I can’t say to your face or even message you right now. Today you told me you were starting CBT soon and I don’t know why, but I immediately thought you were lying to me. I know this isn’t my fight and all I can do is be there for you and wait until you’re better, until you’re ready to let me in again, but it’s hard. Do you know what it feels like to see the person you love, live their life without you? You have no idea what one message from you does to me. You breathe life into me and light up my world… it’s been so dark lately.
Today was a busy day for me, so I didnt have much time to lament, which is good. I keep rereading that last message you sent to me, like it’s the last one I’ll ever recieved. You thanked me again, for supporting you and being there and said I was too king and caring to you. I know you don’t think you deserve it, but trust me you do. I wouldn’t have hung around if you didn’t, not like this. I’d offer friendly support, if you ever needed it, but I wouldn’t save my heart for you. I wouldn’t dream of a life with you. All I can say is I hope you feel the same about me. I really hope you don’t end up hurting me.
I’m okay, I think… sort of. I feel a sense of clarity like this was meant to happen, like i’m being tested. Kind of like a less formal and non-commital “til death do us part.” Okay, so I feel like that makes no sense now lol. What i mean is, I feel like my ability to stay with someone through the good and bad, is being tested. I’ve only had one proper relationship in my life an that was at school. I told you I’ve never had an adult one. I never had a proper date before I met you. We’ve had a lot of firsts, well I have. I don’t think I’ll ever get bored of you and that’s syaing a lot because I lose interest in guys pretty quickly, but you’re different and if this break has taught me one thing it’s the true meaning of “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health” and what it feels like struggling to hold onto someone you love. It’s been hard Pirate, but I’d do it all over again, to spend a few minutes in your arms.
I’m very aware of how incoherant a lot of yesterdays entry was. I was rambling,but I think or at least I hope you’ll get the jist of it. I want to be with you always and forever. I want to wake up next to you and fall asleep in your arms. I want every part of you, the good and the bad and most of all, I want you to want that too…
Today my cousin messaged me, all excited, telling me i’ve only got one more week until I get to see you again. I wish I felt that excited, but the truth is, excitement is for those anticipating something good. I’ll ask you on Friday, if you’re still up for meeting on Saturday. I really hope you are. I miss you so much! She asked if we’ll be seeing each other over the Christmas and New Years period. I wish I could say yes with confidence. These days I don’t hope to see you by a certain date, I hope to see you again… period.
I haven’t had the urge to put pen to paper and write about my feelings these past few days. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been caught up in the “will they wont they” battle that’s been running through my head- wondering if you still feel the same, no, wondering if you still feel anything for me. I’m on day 3 of my meds and I hope they’ll help with the anxiety i’ve been feeling with work and my mood swings. All I’ve ever wanted is to be happy, to feel content with the life I lead, and I’m hoping this will be the first step towards that.
-Love, Autumn x