I could share with you, the last set of weekly entries I wrote about being without the Pirate, but honestly I think there’s no point. Rereading some of my past entries I’ve realised how whiney they sound about a situation that I didn’t really have to be in, but was choosing to.
That being said, I decided to just tell the Pirate that I was in love with him and that if he didn’t want to be with me, he needed to let me know.
Now, I said this because part of me was wondering if this seperation wasn’t simply about his depression, but that he also wasn’t really interested anymore and I really didn’t want to be the girl who’s holding on to someone who she doesn’t have a chance of being with, so I took the plunge and was ready for whatever his response was. Below is our exact message exchange:
Just to add a bit of context for the first message- Remember the plan to meet up on the 23rd Dec? This is what the diary entry countdown was to… he wasn’t up for meeting in the end…
So it’s official I’m no longer seeing the Pirate!! It’s been really hard, more so because my younger sister and older brother have partners and there was a lot of talk this Christmas about them and my sister has just gone on holiday for the umpteenth time with her boyfriend for their one year anniversary.
Guys always say how great I am, but if thats the case how comes no one actually wants to be with me? I’m not saying that to get pitied, it’s just something I keep asking myself.
On another note, as you might remember Mr X and I decided to talk as friends and have been doing so during this entire period. He asked what I was doing for New Years Eve and I told him I didn’t want to go out this year and would prefer to do something chilled. He told me if I wasnt seeing someone he’d invite me round, we could watch a movie, eat veggies (making fun of the fact that i’m vegan) and at 12 take a candle lit bath together… Please remember that last part lol.
Now, after I told him I’m no longer seeing anyone, he seemed to back track, and said he was in deep thought about the whole thing because he didn’t want to create any dramas or stir up old feelings. I’m not really sure what to make of that seen as he was the one adding a flirtacious vibe to the conversation, so I simply ignored it and we spoke about something else.
I think with Mr X it may be a case of wanting me because I wasn’t available at the time, or maybe he doesn’t want to feel like my backup plan and honestly I don’t want him to feel like that either. I was the one who told him he shouldn’t wait for me, he was the one who said he wanted to leave the door open for me as long as he could.
At the end of the day, I still have feelings for the Pirate, they’re not going to go away over night. I think the meds I’m taking are helping, or maybe it’s the placebo effect and I just think they are. Either way, I haven’t cried over him. My cousin Nevaeh wanted to know if I was going to go straight back on Tinder or take a break. I’m taking a break. I thought I had hit the Jackpot on Tinder with the Pirate. I went back on Tinder to reread out first conversation and it made me smile. Then I read some old ones with other guys, which just reinforced my desire to take a break from it all. If something casual could resume with Mr X, while I’m trying to get over the Pirate that would be ideal, if not at least I’ve got them both in my life as friends.
I hope you all had a great Christmas!!
-Love, Autumn x