Today, I decided enough is enough, I need to get back out there!
First, I reinstalled Tinder and read through my old messages with the pirate… again. The first conversation we had was full of pirate lingo, which is how he got his name. I miss how I felt in the beginning… but it’s time to move on.
I knew I wanted to delete my account and start over fresh, I just didn’t want to delete the convo with him. I looked through a few of my unread messages and saw that some guy had sent me a GIF of two people having sex… 😒 All I could think was Ahh so this is how Tinder welcomes me back!!
A few other guys had sent me messages but no one I was interested in so I looked at the pirate’s profile one last time then deleted the account and started over. I felt a small sense of loss which in hindsight is silly as he’s still in my life and we’ve got future plans to hang out “soon” and more concrete plans like tickets to see “The Grinning Man” in theatre in February and “Queens of The Stone Age” at a music festival in June. Plus I told him I’d be coming to a few of his gigs, which he said he was happy about.
I can’t help but wonder: Am I being cruel to myself? I know I still have feelings for him, yet I have him in my life in a way that may make it difficult for me to get over him. I haven’t seen him in months and there’s a part of me that wonders what I’ll feel when I see him next. It’s partly why I went to see Mr X after V fest. It’s one believing you can put feelings aside and just be friends with someone you once cared for intimately, but I personally don’t think you can’t know for sure until you’re face to face with that person.
When I was face to face with Mr X and we kissed, I realised we could be “just friends.” I’m not saying I plan to kiss the pirate, to know for sure, because I don’t, I’m just saying deep down I know that after spending an evening with him, I’ll know if I have what it takes to put my feelings aside and hang out as “just friends.”
I’m not expecting to see him and not to feel anything, that’s not what I mean at all. Its hard to explain and I feel like I’m rambling a bit. I just want to feel comfortable around him in a way where my heart isn’t completely aching.
Back to Tinder, my heart isn’t exactly in it, but I’m hoping I meet someone who helps take my mind off the pirate. It’s funny I had that same hope about Mr X and met the Pirate, maybe such good fortune will strike again.
Stay tuned 😉
-Love, Autumn x