Sad and Spiralling

I wish I didn’t develop feelings for guys at the rate I do.

When I spend a lot of time with someone over a short period of time, its even worse because it feels like i’ve known them a lot longer than I have. This is exactly what happened with the pirate, except I didnt worry much about how he felt about me because he was really good with messaging and told me how he felt.

My cousin Nevaeh swears by the whole “roster” way of dating, which is to date several guys at once so your attention is never solely focused on one guy, which in turn helps with the rate at which you might fall for someone. Sure you’ll have your favourites, but if 3 other guys are texting you or taking you out on dates you wont come across as needy or clingy or too available.

I know I said I was going to delete tinder (which I did) and I didn’t want to date for the sake of dating, but I must admit I am begininng to see the appeal of dating several people. Of course, I only want to date island boy, but if things continue the way they are and I keep feeling the way I do, things just aren’t going to work out and he’ll leave. When Island boy was away this weekend, I really missed him, now he’s back and that feeling is still there, wrapped up in worry and anxiety that he’s going to tell me he’s not feeling this anymore. I’m waiting for it like I know it’s coming, I can feel it.

I really like him and as I found out when taking the Love Languages test, a while back, my main LL is words of affirmation. So I need to hear someone tell me how they feel, that they miss me, that they like spending time with me etc. Yes its only been two weeks so I’m aware that I must sound pretty crazy, going on and on about feelings, and I know I need to stop overthinking  everything and get out of my head, but I’m having a lot of trouble with this at the moment and I can’t help the way I feel right now, which is sad… I feel so sad.

Last night, it took me ages to fall asleep, all I could think about was how great it felt to be wrapped up in his arms at night… so warm. Sigh, I know I need to pull myself together, with Valentines looming, I can only imagine I’m going to feel worse very soon. People in my life keep saying that they’re really happy for me and keep bringing up Valentines as if I already have a date this year.

My go-to response to them is “things like that just don’t happen to me.” 

I don’t get romanced, I don’t get surprised, I don’t get roses, I don’t get any kind of valentines gift. Guys never put that much effort in for me and I’m not saying all of this to get sympathy, because I know I’m worth all those things, I just refuse to look forward to or be optimistic about an event I know I won’t get to celebrate this year. I’ve never had Valentines plans… ever… I’m a 27 year old who’s never had a valentine, how tragic am I?

-Love, Autumn x


  1. geminilvr · January 29

    I’m sorry you are feeling this way. Sending you hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. L. Rorschach · January 30

    The last paragraph haunted me and gave me chills. I feel much of the same way. I have never been romanced, either. The most ironic thing is that I’ve been in relationships and have been married during Valentine’s Day! The most memorable thing I’ve done on Valentine’s Day was when Mars took me to the zoo for a special “animal mating rituals” champagne tour when we were still dating. LOL!

    You know what, Autumn? Valentine’s Day sucks no matter what. Most of mine have been disappointing. No one professed their love, which is what I so desperately wanted. Maybe I expect too much but I honestly don’t think so.

    I think your cousin might be on to something. I casually date several and it seems to help my anxiety and sadness a lot. Big hugs! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  3. notyouraveragegirl363042 · January 30

    The roster way of dating is the only way to go if you risk falling for someone early on as I do. And as you do. Stay focused on the next prize because the fall out rate and the potential for heartbreak is massive if you are the kind of person who is vulnerable to falling for someone fast. I wish I’d had several more on the go when Gianluca and Jamie were around because they nearly killed me and it was not worth my heartache. Do it, honestly it helps.

    Liked by 2 people

    • autumnsinnerthoughts · January 30

      I’m seriously considering it. It’s crazy to think that it will be better for both of us (me and Island boy) if date!other guys at the same time until the time comes when he wants a 1-1 relationship or someone else I’m dating does. I’m gonna have to read up on some of your posts during my lunch break. I’m intrigued about the story with Gianluca and Jamie


  4. singlegirlswiping · January 31

    Date more than one person. Honestly I would of clawed off my face about CA if i wasn’t being distracted with other dates.
    And Valentine’s Day… argh my worst day of the year I too have never experienced a single hint of romance in my life!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. indiangirldating · January 31

    You are worth it and you deserve all the things you mentioned and more!! It’s okay to feel sad and disappointed, that’s human but have faith and optimism you will meet the person who will give you all the happiness in the world. Hugs Autumn!

    Liked by 1 person

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