Heyyyy everyone! I reread my previous post and looked at all the things I wanted to work on during my hiatus…. honestly I didn’t achieve much, no mindfulness or exercise and it definitely didn’t stop me from overthinking and spiralling!
A little about me before I talk boyssss. I had some health issues which are cleared up now which I’m super happy about so I’ve stopped my vegan diet and am now pescatarian (fish only), I’m still not eating dairy though. However, true to my luck while one problem was sorted I found out about 2 more, one which requires surgery to fix 🙄 Apart from that I’m goood 💪🏽🙌🏽
Moving swiftly on…
I’m still going on dates with Island boy, but are we seeing each other exclusively? I don’t think so, I’ve got no idea. I sent him a long message about his lack of communication sometimes and told him I didn’t know what he was after, as he can be quite hard to read. He said he didn’t want to rush into anything, but take it easy… 🤔 My immediate reaction was to feel a sense of hurt, as my mind lumped him in with all the guys who never thought I was good enough to commit to. Then after a conversation with my cousin Nevaeh who asked me if I was honestly ready to be in a relationship with him, I realised that although I really like him, I wasn’t sure.
I like how aware I am of my emotional needs and my faults. I know I can get emotionally attached quite quickly, I’ll miss Island boy pretty soon after we’ve said goodbye and even though I know he doesn’t miss me as we’ve just seen each other, but when we have longer periods apart I don’t really feel as though he misses me then either.
Missing someone is probably directed related to how much you like them so…
Honestly, I’m just tired of being hurt by guys so I’m reluctant to really put myself out there emotionally. I’m really trying not to let this affect how I am with Island boy, we get on soo well, he talks about visiting Barbados where I lived for several years and have family but I don’t feel like it’s genuine. I don’t think he really wants to go with me, but instead he’s just saying it in a joking way… I don’t know.
Sigh… I feel a little sad at the moment (I may be PMSing). It feels like my heart is a little frozen and needs to be thawed.
The pirate sent me a message and asked how I was doing and apologised for his late response as if it wasn’t him who started the conversation. He was just checking how I was doing, my parents, my youngest brother (they really liked each other, but now my bro just rolls his eyes at the mention of him 🙈).
Anyway, I wasn’t that keen to respond but he messaged again an hour later saying he’d love to see me again as friends but would understand if I didn’t want to. I was sitting on my mums bed when I got the message and she told me I had to respond and that I should definitely see him. She went on about how he’s ill and his depression has made things so hard for him and basically said I should be a good friend to him. I mean, I didn’t need her to say all that. When we realised we weren’t going to work out we already decided to be friends and we never had a sexual relationship so we don’t have that baggage following us.
But then my mum asked me- “what is it that you saw in the pirate?”
My face lit up and I couldn’t help but smile as I remembered why I fell for him:
- He always made time to see me, regularly and I always felt like he was happy to see me and enjoyed hanging out and it 100% wasn’t about sex.
- He’d always go the extra mile for me and make it seem like it was nothing. Once when we planned to spend the weekend together (1 month in mind you 🙈), he was planning to drive an hour to my house pick me up, drive an hour to his area, we hang out have our date, drop me home, drive home then pick me up again the next morning and do the same thing over again😂 I said that was too much driving for him and he simply said it’s nothing, he’s happy to do it.
- He brought me into his world really quickly, introducing me to friends and family, which I really wasn’t used to… and so I felt pretty awkward the entire time and didn’t wanna let go of his hand lol but it was the way he wanted to show me off.
- Without going on and on it was simply that he made me feel special and beautiful and he let me know how he felt about me and didn’t let me forget it. I don’t need someone to constantly tell me that they like me, but catching me off guard and whispering I really really like you into my ear, made me feel like a school girl again. For the first time in my life I didn’t have to second guess how a guy felt about me or if he wanted something real with me, I knew because the pirate told me and showed me.
So after I said all this, I felt really emotional and began to tear up a little and whispered “I’m scared that I’ll never feel that way about anyone else again…”
She did the mum thing and said don’t be silly of course you will.
I hope she’s right. I’m afraid to fall that intensely for someone again. If I do I want it to be the last time; the next guy I give my heart to, I want to be the last. I know it’s a bold statement to make, but I want an incredible, passionate, romantic, amazing love, based on mutual respect and friendship. I won’t fall for someone who offers half-assed breadcrumbs of affection. I’ll be single until I meet someone who shows me they could be that person. Someone who shows me they’re worth it and who believes I’m worth it. Someone who respects and appreciates me. Someone who likes the parts of me I don’t even like and who’s proud to have me on his arm. Someone who enjoys spending time with me and misses when when we’re apart. Someone wants to travel the world with me, to make beautiful memories with me. Someone who really sees me.
I don’t know who that guy is, it’s definitely not Mr X and it’s not the pirate either. It might not seem like it, but I don’t want a future with him anymore. I love the way he made me feel and I love the time we spent together, but for all the happy times we had in those 2 months, remember I spent 3 months dealing with the fall out from his depression and I felt things I never want to feel again. I care about him dearly and would love us to be friends, but that’s it.
Sooo… Island boy… it’s still early days so time will tell how he feels about me, but right now I’m getting quite the casual/ meh/ I-like-you-a-bit-more than-friends vibe from him 🤔
14th April will be 3 months since our first date, so I’ll wait until then and see if the vibe changes at all. I’m not saying I need him to make a commitment to me or anything like that, I just want to feel like he sees me as girlfriend material. Lets be clear though, and this is not being egotistic because I already know I’m worth it, it’s not about self worth it’s more about comparability. Whether or not he likes me enough and thinks we’re compatible enough to ultimately work out. I will also be taking this time to think about these things too.
My mum thinks we’re super compatible because he travels for work and so do I 😂 She’ll find any reason to bring him up and will say Ooh I really like the sound of Island boy. I just ignore her now lol. She told me she had this vivid dream we all went to Barbados as my sister brought her boyfriend, my brother brought his girlfriend and I brought Island boy 🙄🙄🙄🙄 I was like “stop it mum” Haha and in my head I’m thinking oh please probably couldn’t get him to come on a weekend trip away with me let alone a big ass family vacay 😂😂
That’s my update for now! It feels really good to be back.