Countdown to my birthday

Two days away and so far there’s no sign that the pirate has any plans for me… didn’t think he did to be honest so it’s not like I’m surprised. As I told Mr X, who thinks he’ll turn up and surprise me, things like that don’t happen to me.

On another note, Mr X seems to have plans for me. We’re not going anywhere as that just doesn’t feel right. He says he’s gonna come round to “drop off my birthday bits” 🤔 he won’t elaborate. Mr X knows he can’t come in, family rules, a guy has to meet the parents before he’s allowed across the threshold. Also, having him in my house doesn’t feel right either. I told him he doesn’t need to do anything for me, but he seems to have already bought stuff, whatever that is…

I was talking to my cousin Neveah about love. I told her I loved both the pirate and Mr X. Straight away she told me I can’t be in love with two people so I corrected her- I love them both, not “in love” with both

I told her I think I’m in love with the pirate but I don’t trust my own feelings. I’m known to fall fast and hard without true depth to my feelings.

However….

I’ve said this from the start- the way I feel about the pirate, I’ve just never felt that way about anyone before. It hurts to know he’s hurting… I’m not gonna mention my feelings to him until he’s more stable and I’m 100% sure though.

Neveah said you can’t just love one part of him though, you have to love the pirate who’s depressed and the one before the depression…. I know they’re two sides of the same coin…. the same person. To truly love the pirate, I know I must love all of him… and I do…< strong>Side note: I’ve been having these awful chest pains, the doctor said I have a throat infection which may be causing it… some GPs in London are ridiculous. You’re in the room for less than 5 mins before they throw some meds at you and send you on your way. Even if I don’t have major plans for my birthday I’d like to be able to breathe completely normally and be pain free for the day, but that’s sod’s law isn’t it.

strong>-Love, Autumn x

Guilt-free texts with Mr X

Dealing with an absentee pirate has been difficult and in the beginning, I must admit I was a little down myself about it. My mum could tell and she told me- “if you want to talk to Mr X you can you know. You and the pirate aren’t in a relationship and there’s nothing wrong with just talking, men do it all the time.”

I thought hard on what she said. I’ve been missing Mr X like crazy ever since I told him we needed some time for the love and affection to die, which was great advice from Gabrielle. I described Mr X as my emotional anchor once- he makes me really happy, just talking to him and I’m aware that what I’m saying probably should be directed at the pirate now, but we’re talking 2 years vs 2 months… There’s a lot of history there and Mr X was there when I was going through hard times and was depressed myself.

Anyways what I’m getting at is I texted him. I told him I missed talking to him and he said for some reason he knew it was me before he even took his phone out of his pocket. He also said he was just telling his best mate the same thing about missing our chats. Honestly our chats would probably seem quite mundane at times, but there’s a real friendship I feel we built up, behind the sexual relationship we had and that’s what I’m finding hard to walk away from… I think he is too. Don’t get me wrong I’m still #TeamPirate but I know there’s a part of me that still dreams about a future with Mr X.

So we’ve been texting and it quickly brought me out of my funk. He pissed me off a few times saying things like he feels like my fall back plan but I called him out on it and said he was the one who told me to tell him if I ever changed my mind and that he was leaving the door open for me as long as he could!! Hell i’m the one that repeatedly said that’s no life to live and I didn’t want that for him! He apologised after… Too right you’re sorry!! He’s either very calculated in the things he says sometimes or he’s just not using his head! 🤔

But that aside its been pretty much the same old banter just minus the flirting and sexual inuendos. I tagged him in this post on Facebook about this forest in Japan and told him that that’s the kinda thing I know he’d do if he ever went to Japan and he laughed and said yeah because unlike me he doesn’t sit on his ass on holiday 😂  rude little bastard!! I don’t sit on my ass an entire holiday, I do enjoy a sunbathe here and there and I explore a little but I’m just not really into trekking through forests, caves, mountain climbing or stuff like that. Each to their own. We spoke about places we’d like to go, Japan was also on my list, I plan to go with my girls. He made a comment like: so when are we going and I laughed it off and shut it down. I know he was just winding me up so I didn’t think too much on it lol we know how to push each other’s buttons and constantly do.

Sooo birthday plans are to watch a Harry Potter marathon tucked up in bed with some cider. This probably sounds super dull and boring but that’s heaven for me! I’m not going out with the girlsbecause the  followinng weekend is Halloween and we go hard for that so I’d rather save my money for a new costume and to driiiiiinkkkk!!! Mr X  said it makes him feel sad to think of me at home alone  for my birthday and asked if he could take me out, but I said I’d be fine. Before offering, he said he thinks the pirate has something planned because if you’re seeing someone you do something for their birthday you’re not just gonna let it go by… I dunno about that one.

This morning Mr X was asking me about vegan cakes “if you had a vegan cake what would you want in and on it,” which makes me wonder if he’s planning something 🤔  I had this day dream that Mr X turned up at my house on my birthday to give me the cake and say happy birthday… The thing is, so did the pirate…

The thing is, in reality, I wouldn’t have been able to invite either of them inside. My parents are away a lot with work now so it’s just me and my two younger brothers in the house and they are slobs!! Okay so am I, but I tend to keep my mess confined to my bedroom, which honestly looks like a tornado hit it… I’m only mildly ashamed of it though. This weekend I’m going to tackle the mess!! 🙌🏾

But back to my life, I’ve got no idea what’s gonna happen on the 21st. I’d love to be surprised by the pirate, but as I told Mr X, when he said guessed that would happen, things like that just don’t happen to me…

-Love, Autumn x

How do you really feel about me?

After replying to one of the pirate’s messages with this cryptic text: “Things don’t always work out the way you want them to, learning that more and more everyday,” I knew it would lead to a conversation where I’d be able to get some things off my chest and I’d either be happy and relieved about the outcome or down and maybe even a little heart broken.

When he asked me what I meant, I explained to him that although my feelings for him haven’t changed, I question how he really feels about me… Too often. I can’t have another repeat of Mr X where I’m being held at arms length because of the past. It’s not fair and I won’t do it again. I can’t fall in love with someone who doesn’t feel an inch of what I feel for him. Been there done that!

I’m sick of wondering when I’ll get my “happily ever after” and I know life is not a fairytale, but I just want my chance at happiness, with someone who loves and cares about me.

I wrote the above, earlier on in the day…

He replied that his feelings for me haven’t changed either, but said he’s not as stable as he thought he was and that his depression has him in a dark place right now. He knows I want to be there for him, which means a lot to him, but he needs to sort himself out.

He doesn’t want me to be there for him right now…

I told him I understood and that I’ll give him some space for now and he replied- thanks ❤️

I hate seeing him struggling like this and although it hurts me to see him in pain and it hurts that he’s pushing me away, for now, knowing his feelings for me remain unchanged, gives me a little hope. On Friday he’s getting his medication increased and he’s already warned me it’ll probably get worse before it gets better. 

I hope this doesn’t sound selfish, but I do feel a little sad about the timing of all of this. It’s my birthday on the 21st and I really hoped we’d do something together… I doubt that now. We have tickets to see a band from New Orleans, the second week of November so I’m guessing that’s the next time I’ll see him.  I know he won’t miss it, he’s been waiting a year or so for that. 

I wonder if we’ll still chat on whatsapp? 🤔 I’ll leave the ball in his court. I’m not one to easily give up on someone, but obviously I can’t wait forever with him not letting me in. Whatever happens, I think I’ll know when it’s time to say something or walk away.

-Love, Autumn x

Still waiting

Spent the weekend with the pirate. It was nice, we just chilled, ordered in and watched horror movies, which was a real change for us.

No sex.

We did get ourselves off at the same time and showed each other a taste of the kind of porn we watch. It was a little weirder than I expected if im honest, every time I looked over at him and saw his face, I found myself giggling 🙈

He still hasn’t met my parents and I get that he finishes work late, but I’ve met his mum twice now, and my parents really want to meet him. My mum told me that it’s feeling like what I had with Mr X, in that they never met him and I was going away for a weekend with a guy they’ve never met. Of course I’m old enough to do so, and don’t need permission, but I got where she was coming from. The pirate seemed really up for it before, but I dunno… I brought it up when we were having coffee and he said he understood where they were coming from, but that was it, he didn’t offer days when he’s free or anything so I just dropped it.

Anyways… I started feeling a little sad, but I couldn’t put my finger on what was causing it. I sat down with my mum after he dropped me home, honestly all I wanted to do was go to bed, but she said she knew something was up. She told me she wants me to be happy and asked if I feel like the pirate is pulling away or something. I said not exactly. I said he’s going through some stuff right now. She said okay and then said that depression is a lifelong illness and warned me that people who are depressed can bring you down too, adding that I have my own depression to deal with, even if it’s mild it’s still present. She warned me that I need to be careful I don’t take on his problems and end up in the role of carer. I said nothing, but felt like she was being a bit harsh. What really surprised me is that she told me if I wanted to talk to Mr X, I can, reminding me that things aren’t official with the pirate and that men talk to and have friendships with their exes all the time. I didn’t respond to that either. I’m sure she was doing the protective mum thing, but it wasn’t exactly helpful.

I read the letter from Mr X and cried last night. I know I shouldn’t have read it, but I was missing him… a lot. Even before my mum brought him up. I miss talking to him, hanging with him… I miss his face. Sigh 😩 Don’t get me wrong, I’m still really into the pirate and I enjoy spending time with him, but I feel like I want more from him than I’m getting… Maybe I’m just being impatient.

Things I’ve been thinking about the pirate:

  • For a while I wondered if he was pulling away, but now I don’t think that’s it. he’s pulling away, I do feel like we’ve reached a plateau though.
  • I’ve said this before but the kissing thing still bothers me. He rarely iniates and we barely make out. It can’t have anything to do with PDA because we spent the weekend in a hotel and maybe made out once or twice.
  • The label of girlfriend… This used to bother me, but I was taking to my youngest brother and said I don’t want the label if I can’t get the perks that come with it- knowing how someone feels about you and having them tell you and the feeling of moving forward etc… I said id rather have the perks and not the title, but right now I don’t have either.
  • I’ve stopped thinking about time. Yes it’s “only” been two months, but when you see each other 1-2 times a week it’s bound to feel like a lot longer. I’m trying to stay present but it’s becoming increasingly difficult.

What do I want?

Sounds like a simple enough question doesn’t it?

The truth is the one thing I’ve always said I wanted more than anything else is to be happy. Sooo broad I know!! What is happiness? Is it having more happy days than sad ones, feeling loved, feeling fulfilled, having someone to build a future with, having you perfect career? Yes it’s all relative, happiness doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone.

I’ve searched for this answer for years- what does happiness mean to me? I’m still waiting for clarity on this. I’m waiting for a lot of things right now, and waiting can be a really hard thing to do…

-Love, Autumn x

Art & Weekend Plans

On Saturday, I went to the Tate Modern with the pirate. For those who don’t know it, it’s an art gallery in London. We walked around hand in hand (which is something we do so often, it would feel wrong if we weren’t) and had a lot of fun admiring the different pieces and attempting to give our take on them. 

I was super impressed that he recognised some of the artists (people I had never heard of before). There was this photographic display of all these prostitutes living in filthy conditions- a very somber and thought provoking display. The pirate had said something funny just as we were approaching the area so we were laughing right by them, then when we noticed where we were we stopped and looked around. We must’ve looked like a bunch of sickos 🙈

There was this really cool display about African slavery and how black people have been oppressed over the years and back in the day how they were made to feel ugly and almost less than human. The way it was presented with pictures and quotes printed against red backgrounds (which I later read was to resemble the blood and pain of their suffering, if I’m remembering correctly). The pictures were arranged in an order that told a story and you had to walk around to room following the narrative. Me and the pirate walked around, with me reading the quotes aloud, I saw another guy following behind as if he was listening to me read as well. It made me a little emotional as I could almost feel the pain through the canvases. It was brilliant, I wish I could remember the artist’s name.

For those who don’t know, which may just be everyone- I’m black and he’s white. The reason I’m saying this is because I want to make a point that I love that he showed absolutely no signs of being uncomfortable, while we were in that exhibit. Maybe this is very minor to people reading and maybe you’re thinking he has no right to feel uncomfortable, but people can get awkward with this kind of stuff and I was just happy he didn’t.

Moving on…

The pirate squeezed my hand as we left the display and moved onto the next. There were 5 Tv screens showing video clips of different historical black figures, doing speeches e.g. Martin Luther King and Malcolm X. We stood and watched for a while. The pirate asked me if I wanted to go into the black power exhibit that was to the right of us and I said yeah if you want to. So we made our way over but you needed tickets which meant we had to go all the way downstairs to buy them then come back up. I said “that was really fun,” He looked at me and said don’t you want to see the exhibit? I laughed and said that was my way of saying it’s time to go 😅 He laughed and said he thought so. He was more than willing, but I was super hungry and I know he was too, so I suggested we go and eat instead. He asked if I was sure and I said yeah. So he said we’ll have to come back another time to see it, I agreed. 

We decided to eat at Nandos again lol and he suggested we get the train to the one in Covent Garden instead of walking there 😍 my hero! I’m doing this whole Vegan thing right now so I ordered this tofu tomato wrap which was suprisingly nice! 

*I’m doing the vegan thing as a way to boost my immune system, it’s got nothing to do with the whole “meat is murder,” narrative. No offence to those who believe that.*

After dinner we went to our bar (yes I can actually say our bar as we’re regulars now). He had a beer and I had their delicious lemonade! I seriously can’t get enough of it 😍

At the bar we had a very interesting conversation about sex. He kept poking my boobs and trying to put his hand down the back of my jeans and cop a feel so I retaliated by feeling him up under the table 😂 he retreated so I won! 🏆🏅🎖I then initiated the sex talk by asking him what he likes 😏

He gave a list that mainly had to do with where he could cum 😂 boobs, bum, mouth. He told me that a lot of people underestimate how good a handjob feels so I asked him how he likes his and he broke it down lol. He said he’d like to watch as I pleasured myself, then added in the shower. He’d like to pin me down. My heart was racing with excitement, thinking damn you’re speaking my language!!

Then he asked me what I liked and after waffling about cuddles and neck kisses, he pretty much told me those are a given, now get to the good stuff haha. I gave him my list which wasn’t too different from his own. I broke down how I like to be touched- I’m sick of “DJs” I can’t remember if I explained to you what a DJ is so i’ll do it again.

Think of how a DJ spins his disks. There are guys out there who rub your clit like they’re in the DJ booth rubbing away like they’re rub it off or something. Calm the fuck down please, it doesn’t feel good it’s just painful!! I’m sure there’s a female version of the DJ too. The pirate was telling me about girls who pull too hard and the foreskin goes back too far and there’s something that can snap/detach resulting in a spew of blood, adding that luckily it hasn’t happened to him before. I had no idea what he was talking about but he compared it to the little tendon (if that’s even the word) that’s attached under your tongue. Sounds painful and messy!

Anyways we also talked about our don’ts and won’ts; our no nos. I think his only no no was to have something up his bum lol. Mine were:

  •  Anal sex, but I said I’d be willing to try it down the road with a long term partner. He said a way to slowly dip your toe into the idea of anal was using a butt plug and said girls seemed to enjoy it. He did admit he had never tried anal before though.
  • Unprotected sex and unprotected oral unless I know the guy is clean. I added that I don’t really see the point in oral with a condom, but he said he’s done it protected before, so if it still does it for him then fair enough.

After our chat we were quiet for a little while then looked at each other and laughed and if to say wow that escalated pretty quickly.  I took his hand and put it against my cheek and smiled at him. Then he said- I just want you to know I’m not expecting anything this weekend, of course I’ll be happy if stuff happens, but I don’t want you to feel I expect anything.

I told him that things were definitely going to happen and he laughed and said something along the lines of we’ll see.

Oh did I not mention I’m spending the whole weekend with him this weekend! Friday I’m going to see his band launch their new EP and Friday night to Sunday we’ll be together 😍 

I asked him if his mum was coming to the EP launch party. He said he wasn’t sure so I said he should tell her to come! When we were on our date he told me he called her and asked her if she was coming and she asked if I would be okay with it. He said he laughed and said it wasn’t him that was asking and I wanted her to come and then she said of course I’ll come! Haha I do really like his mum and I’m Sooo looking forward to this weekend 😍🙌🏾

-Love, Autumn x

My meeting with the pirate 🤓👔

I know I haven’t spoken much about the pirate for a while. Truth is Saturday will be two weeks since I’ve seen him, the longest we’ve been apart so far. He had to work overtime last week which meant days that ended at 8/8:30 usually the time we meet up. However our rate of communication has stayed the same which was reassuring 😊

Last night we spent over 2 hours on the phone 😍 I could’ve easily stayed talking to him for another 2 hours but it was pushing 12am and we both had work the next day. He called me because I said I was upset with him because when I said it will be two weeks since we’ve seen each other he goes- oh is it? I think you’re right, it wasn’t last Saturday was it? It was the one before!! 😦

😑

So I replied- That’s means you don’t miss me then because you don’t realise how long it’s been!!

Pirate- noooooo!! It’s not that, I just didn’t realise blah blah blah

Lol please bear in mind I wasnt genuinely upset by this, I did feel a little ways about it but I chalked it up to him being a man (no offence to any of my male readers).

So he called me and I said you don’t miss me and you still haven’t even said you do miss me to clear things up. So he says he misses me and I reply hmm seems forced now, it doesn’t  feel genuine. He starts laughing and says he knew I was gonna say something like that, and I start laughing  too because it’s feels nice to know he’s really starting to get me.

Then I started talking to him like we were in a meeting because I had a few things that were bothering me about him. No lie, he goes why do I feel like I’ve just stepped into a meeting? I laughed and told him he had, then upped all the meeting style talk. Talking about my agenda and acting like there was someone scribing/ taking notes etc…

The 3 things on the agenda were

  1. Him saying he misses me
  2. Quality Time
  3. Kissing


Say you miss me dammit

All I wanted here was for him to say it more. He will always say he misses me too! But he won’t initiate it. I know this probably sounds so silly, but I shared my love language with him and reminded him that my main ones were words of affirmation and quality time. I need to feel missed and cared for and words do that for me! I am very aware that actions speak louder than words, but there’s something about seeing the words I miss you on my cracked phone screen that I know will make my heart soar.

I told him that when he doesn’t say it, it makes me feel like he doesn’t really miss me at all. 

His response-  okay, I hear what you’re saying completely and understand why you would feel that way 

Meanwhile I’m thinking aww 😊 and smiling into the phone thinking he’s handling all of this so well, he’s so sweet! Then he finishes his sentence..

 But that’s bull shit!

I tried very hard not to laugh and replied 🤔 hmm interesting view, would you care to elaborate on the word bullshit?

He said nope! So I said okay then will you please strike the word bull shit from the record (speaking to the imaginary person writing notes). He laughed at this and I moved on to the second item. At this point he didn’t know there were only three things and was like oh God there’s more? How many of these are there? When I said 2 more he said okay and I moved on.

Quality Time

Quality time is his main love language and my joint main, alongside words of affirmation. I acknowledged that I understood why we couldn’t see each other last week and I enjoy that we usually spend a fair amount of time with each other. I also said I’d spend every day together if I could, this is not news to him I’ve said this before and he usually says some form of me too. The aspect of quality time I wanted to address with him was the initiation of dates/ meet ups. For me to see him we don’t have to even do anything. We could meet up at the park and sit and talk for hours and that’s it, I’d be happy with that. I know he doesn’t earn much and I’m not materialistic at all so I don’t need to be out there doing expensive things on a regular. He’s so sweet because he’ll still want to pay for stuff and he said he wants to take me to the theatre when he gets his money sorted. I just want to spend time with him, that’s all I need.

So back to the iniation part of quality time. I told him that I’ve initiated almost all our meet ups and he used the colourful bullshit word again. I told him that when I have to initiate all the time it makes me feel as though he doesn’t want to see me as much as I want to see him. Again he said he understood why I would feel this way but of course it’s not true aka bullshit.

To be fair, before this chat he initiated our next date this weekend- He’s taking me to an art museum and then out for dinner! More on that after the date.

The finale item on the agenda!!!

Kissing

When I first started talking about the pirate, I spoke of his passionate kisses. When I last spoke of him, I spoke of his unacceptable pecks! I want and need passion!! I know some people are just not big on PDA and I would totally understand that… Or at least try to be understanding while sulking in the private of my own room, but he started out engaged in quite high levels of PDA. I mean he’s copped a feel plenty of times before lol I had to be like whoaa 🙅🏽 and I actually do this emoji’s actions in real life! It always makes him laugh because I use it so much in our chats too.

I told him that the fact that he doesn’t kiss me like that makes me wonder if somethings changed. Then I got a little extra and said it makes me feel like you don’t like me as much anymore or maybe there’s a reason you don’t want to kiss me in public, maybe you don’t want anyone to see us, maybe you’re ashamed of me!

He didn’t entertain me at all and his response was pretty much the same for the previous two items in the agenda. He said he didn’t realise he was doing anything differently and I left it at that.

I told him the meeting was drawing to a close and expressed what a lovely chat I thought we had and he laughed and said lovely? I feel like I’ve just gotten a real bollocking! I couldn’t help but laugh too, but then I regained my compare and asked him to fill out the questionnaire on his way out. He was like oh God there’s more? I laughed and said it was only one question.

How much do you like me on a scale of 1-10?

He immediately said 10, and I told him he couldn’t say 10 because he wasn’t really at a 10. The reason I said this is that although we are exclusive we are not in a relationship and I felt like if he was at a 10 we would be. I didn’t bring this up because I told him I wasn’t going to rush him into a relationship knowing his ex did that then left him a few months later which broke his heart. 

He said okay fine 3, I laughed and said Nooo! So he said okay fine 8, no 9.2.

I told him to take the questionnaire home and take some time to think abouthis answer because he wasn’t taking it seriously, so he said he was but I wouldn’t let him score what he wanted to, which was a 10. I told him I was at a 10 but he wasn’t and he wanted to know why I could say 10 but he couldn’t, so I said it was because I’m all in and he’s not. He immediately said that isn’t true, and that he’s all in too and again I thought to myself, how can you be all in, but not want me to be your girlfriend?

I left it at that and said I didn’t think he was really all in yet and that was totally fine and said goodnight. I felt bad an hour later and texted him:

Me- I’m sorryyyy, I shouldn’t have said what I said at the end of the meeting, making out like I’m all in and you’re not. I guess I just felt strongly that you weren’t at a “10” even though I 100% am…

Me- Anyways hope you sleep well, night 😘

Pirate- No worries at all…I am at a 10 though. Yeah sleep well too, night you 😘😘

No love lost there! 😊

Before our little meeting I mentioned something else that had been bothering me. I said I felt like he compared us to what he had with his ex, in the sense that its started off pretty intense with us in the same way. I told him I wonder if he fears we’ll go down the same trajectory as they did. He denied it completely which led us to talking about exes giving me the perfect excuse to tell him about Mr X without it being a big conversation. He took it well and understood it must have been difficult for me.

More and more I’m seeing how lucky I am to have met him. I know I’ve said it before but I’ve never felt this strongly about anyone before. I think I might be falling in love…

-Love, Autumn x

The Sun

I wanted to dive right in 

But the current looked rocky

And the water was cold

I didn’t know if I’d survive

I didn’t know if I was strong enough 

To fight my way through

Past the waves, past my fears

I didn’t think I’d make it
Even though I hoped I would

And when the sun smiled

I felt his warmth on my cheek

I wanted to know him

Everything

I wanted to dive right in

So I did

And I struggled 

For a while

I kicked against the waves

Spluttered and gasped for air

Prayed I wouldn’t drown

The more I fought the harder it was

Being attacked from every angle

I was scared… No terrified

I knew I was drowning

But I was where I wanted to be

I didn’t want to get out 

So when my limbs grew tired

And my heart grew weary

I stopped fighting

And I let myself feel it all 

Everything

And the sun smiled again

My eyes welled up 

As he caressed my cheek

And dried my tears

I was tired

Relieved

Floating on my back

The current steadied

I looked up at him

And unburdened myself

I said the things you don’t say

The things you don’t dare to

The things the fear keeps hidden

Locked away

I spoke from the heart

‘Til I was exposed, naked, raw

And then he left

Retreating behind rain clouds 

Raindrops fell like tears

And as they rolled down my cheeks

They merged with my own

I let mine fall

Joining the waters that held me

Gently

I buried my face in it’s cool embrace

And looked below at the steely waters

Searching for the bottom- the end

It beckoned me

But hesitated

To give up, was to give him up

To give up the sun

In truth, I hadn’t known him long

Yet I already knew

I knew so much

I couldn’t give him up

And when I felt his warmth once more

Penetrating those bitter waters

And pulling me into his light

I knew I was in trouble

I had dived right in

There was no going back

And when I looked into his eyes

I knew I never wanted to.
Right now it feels like the pirate is the sun, but I’m painfully aware that if you get too close to the sun you can get burned… 🤔 I think I just want things to work out so badly I’m overthinking things again… What’s new? At least I can use poetry and this blog as an outlet for those feelings.

-Love, Autumn x

His Fear

I can feel the fear 

But it’s his not mine 

A gaping hole 

Someone carved and left behind 

Not too long ago

His wounds are fresh

He’s healing slow

He wants to forget

But he doesn’t know how

Her grip is strong

Sharp talons pierce skin

Drawing blood and memories

Stirring doubt within

A distance grows

Slowly at first

I grasp at the space between us

Desperate to close it

Desperate to be close to him

To feel his warmth once more

To inhale that scent I’ve grown to love

A drug I can’t get enough of

His addictive scent

All of him

He drives me wild with just one look

His touch threatens my freedom

But I don’t care

Under it, I crave restraints

Chained to him, forever

No key

No release

But how?

When another still holds his heart

Or perhaps just pieces of it

Broken like tiny shards of glass

So small he can’t see them

I can

I don’t know how

Or when I’ll achieve this

But I’ll put on my armour

And I’ll tear those talons out

I’ll fight to release him

To set him free

Free to heal

Free to trust

Free to love someone new

And I’ll be waiting

Faithfully

Hoping to one day feel his love

And share mine freely too

I wrote this a week or so ago when my overthinking was at its highest. When I read it, I believe what I’m reading, it makes sense to me. He’s holding back because of what happened in the past. He loved her, fiercely I think, and she left him just like that, she broke his heart and Although he says he’s moved on- he hasn’t completely because he’s letting the past influence what’s happening with us… That’s my take on things anyway… Maybe I just don’t feel as secure as I thought it did 🤔

-Love, Autumn x

Cutting ties with Mr X

I know I need to do this but I’m struggling to find the right way to phrase it.

I need to stop talking to Mr X period.

He still messages me and we chat, but I know I’d hate it if the pirate was talking to his ex. He’s a constant reminder of the past, what I wanted and couldn’t have, and what I could have if I wanted, but don’t want anymore (if that makes sense).

I also think that in order for me to really give the pirate a fair shot, Mr X shouldn’t be in my life anymore. Sigh, I hate thinking this but I can’t help but wonder if it’s the right thing to do.

Thoughts?

Also, how do I phrase this without sounding like a total bitch??

-Love, Autumn x

Waiting for blue skys

I haven’t spoken much about the pirate recently, but things are still going well with us. 

We recently went to a comedy show in Covent Garden- secret comedy club, it was really good and we had a good laugh. We got there late though because we decided to grab a quick bite beforehand and we were chatting away and lost track of time. We were chatting about weddings funnily enough. I was talking about how different my sister and I are, she wants a huge fancy wedding where everyone she knows comes, meanwhile I want a small and intimate affair. I’d rather spend my money on the honeymoon. We spoke about our families- how big/ small they are. I told him I know people will end up feeling hurt they weren’t invited but it’s not about them.

Do you think that’s cold?

I was wondering, when I said it because I really meant it. I know there are people out there who plan for a small wedding and because family members or friends were hurt because they weren’t invited, they ended up with a much bigger guestlist and a wedding that really and truly wasn’t what they envisioned. Not me 🙅🏽 I know what I want and I think that I should be able to have that, unapologetically and If people get hurt and they feel ways in the process then… so be it.

Anyways the pirate agreed that he’d prefer to spend money on the honeymoon. We spoke about wanting the ceremony and reception to be in the same place to avoid having to travel elsewhere afterwards. I said I want the ceremony to be short- walk down the isle, one reading- Shakespeare’s Sonnet 116 and our vowes… End of… Let the party begin! He asked me how the sonnet went and was impressed that I could recite it off hand. Then he told me he wanted Ezekiel chapter 25 verse 17 and started quoting Samuel L Jackson’s version from the movie pulp fiction, the lines he says to someone just before he’s about to shoot them 😂 He found it so funny. I told him that’s absolutely not happening, but I couldn’t help smirking. I can’t look at that face of his and keep a straight face 🙈 In the end I looked away and said- like I said Sonnet 116, and he laughed again.

At this point we realised we were late and left the restaurant. While walking to the venue we continued the wedding talk. He said- the big question is, when do you leave for the honeymoon? I said I wanted to party the night away with my family and friends and that I didn’t wanna leave early. He agreed and said he didn’t understand why people would leave before it was finished and also how they could travel after all of that being so tired. He said he’d want to go 3 days later. I was intrigued and asked him why not 2 days later- one day to sleep off the hangover and the next day you’re on the plane. He recons you should spend the next day recovering from the night before, the following day packing for the trip and then fly out on the 3rd day. I laughed and asked him why the suitcases aren’t already packed and he said with all the wedding madness who would have the time. Lol seems he’s put some thought into it 😅 I asked where he wanted to go and he simply said somewhere warm.

Way to narrow it down babe haha👏🏽👏🏽

After the comedy show I got kinda moody because he made me walk for an hour, on a full bladder, to the train station and… There were closer ones!! I’m navigationally challenged so I had no idea where we were going, where the other stations were etc… When we finally reached the station, we said goodbye and hugged for what seemed like forever and when we finally pulled apart, he gave me a peck on the lips and we went our separate ways.

A peck on the lips…

A bloody peck on the lips…

Really?

😠👊🏾🔪

Lol I told him later on that I was annoyed because of the walking and because barely kisses me anymore- like proper deep passionate kisses. If I let my overthinking run wild I’d think he’s losing interest… Wait, let me not act like I haven’t already said that to him 😅 

He’s been having quite a few low days recently and he did seem a little distant so I sent him this:

I don’t want you to be thinking you don’t want to be in this, but you’re not saying anything because you’re worried about hurting my feelings and that’s contributing to anxiety. I’d rather just know if that’s the case.

He replied:

No not at all!!!!!! 😦please don’t feel like it’s anything you’ve done/are doing! It’s not at all!!!!

It’s just me at the moment…I’ll come out of it soon.

I said okay and dropped it. The next day he mentioned he might need to go back to his doctor about his meds. I can tell he’s a bit self conscious about his depression among other things and I think that’s causing him to hold me a little at arms length. So I replied:

Just do whatever you need to do to feel better, whether it’s going back to your doctor or taking some “me time.” I’ll be here however long it takes, how ever many times you feel this way 😘

He thinks I’m amazing for “putting up with him,” but depression is a lot more prevalent than people think! I’ve been there myself. It’s not a reason not to love someone, well not for me anyway. Besides he puts up with so much of my bullshit, he’s sooo good to me, respectful, charming, intillegent, talented, caring, understanding, family orientated… The list goes on really, aaaand he’s gorgeous, even if he doesn’t believe it. He’s a bloody catch!! 

So for now, I’ll be there for him while he’s feeling low and I’ll wait patiently for the blue skys ❤️

-Love, Autumn x