Iโ€™m okay/ Island boy returns

Soo it appears I overreacted… classic me really ๐Ÿ™„ All is well on the health front re the breast lump.


Island boy came back from his work trip and we made plans to meet the next day. I had plans in the morning with the girls but I wasn’t sure if they would actually happen so I asked if I could let him know in the morning, he was cool with that. The girls overslept so we missed out on grabbing our reserved tickets. Oh well! I messaged Island boy but he said his friend was in town and he might meet up with him and there was someone coming to view his car which he’s selling and that he’d still want to meet in the afternoon regardless but he’d let me know when.

Honestly, I thought he was blowing me off so I told him we could just do something another time. In the past I’ve spent time waiting around for guys who’d end up cancelling last minute while I wasted a day… I didn’t want to go through that again. Also in the context of PMSing I was feeling over emotional anyway and was dealing with severe cramps. He responded “???did I say that?” To which I admitted no, then told him I’d understand if he chose his friend over me as I live 5-10 mins away while his friend lives in a different city. I’d understand but doesn’t mean I’d be happy about it lol๐Ÿ™ˆ

In the end we met up for brunch, places were packed because it was Mother’s Day, evidently neither of us had thought things through. It was fine in the end we found a little coffee shop and had brunch. I had smashed avocado and a poached egg on a bagel as they were out of sourdough. When it came out I asked the waitress if that was a chickens egg and she said no a duck egg… no thank you… I don’t want thattt ๐Ÿ˜ญ I asked if she could remove it meanwhile island asks me how I knew… it looked and smelled different… I don’t wanna say bad but yeah to my sense of smell it was. He seemed to like his though.

He told me all about his trip and it sounds like he had a really great time and got a lot of work done. After he admitted missing me in a text while he was away, I asked when he realised he missed me and he said about 10 mins after I left his house (about an hour before he left for the airport) โค๏ธ my heart!! He also brought me back a gift ๐Ÿ˜ a woven bracelet with my name on it in the colours of the flag of the country he went to. I was really overwhelmed with emotion, but I think I handled myself well. No guy has ever thought of me enough to go abroad and bring something back for me.

So apart from admitting he misses me, he also also referred to me as “his girl.” In response to something he said about his phone, I replied you need to get that phone fixed mate! He didn’t want me to call him mate and said “mates are different, you’re my girl no?”

Some people may be thinking yesssss that’s it, congratulations he’s calling you his girlfriend… no no no no no no no no no no no, he absolutely isn’t. Until I hear the words- “do you want to be/ will you be my girlfriend?” I’m bloody single. I’m not assuming shit, the number of guys who’ve lined up to throw darts at my poor heart… nopeeee I’m done! Don’t get me wrong this does not mean I’m out there fishing for something new, why would I when I feel like he’s the catch of the day…week … month… year… longer? Who knows. If he wants to go fishing that’s up to him and clearly I’m not his girl, just a girl.

I feel like I’m spiralling a bit… I’m exhausted from working with a kid with ADHD today, my eyes are closing as I type.

The question remains: Do I want to be his girlfriend? Yes!๐Ÿ™ˆ BUT! When he feels ready, there’s no rush. Overall I’m really happy at the moment… He makes me happy.

Sooo… Like I said I saw him the day he got back from his trip. After we ate we went for a walk (something I don’t usually do), then back to his. He wanted to watch a documentary and I was soooo not having that, in my mind I was like no way am I watching a dead ass documentary. Three documentary’s later and I was in awe of myself and the super powers he evidently has. Seriously I’m pretty strong willed, I like what I like and that’s the end of that. Island boy pushes me to try new experiences and do things I wouldn’t usually do and I am so grateful for it afterwards. He looked so smug when he saw how much I was enjoying the documentaries.

I was talking to my mum about stuff and she was shocked to hear I was walking and watching documentaries and said it sounds like he’s really good for me. I have to agree.

Urgh I miss him already, what the hell. I think tonight I’ll have an early night, I’m shattered plus if I’m sleeping I’m not thinking about him and how much I want to curl up in his arms and kiss his face off haha.

Love, Autumn x

My body hates me

I just feel like it’s one thing after the next with me!

PCOS (luckily I’m still ovulating frequently so my dr says its not going to affect my ability to have kids… some day)

Endometriosis (I need surgery for this one)

And now I have a breast lump with dry flaky skin on top which is a sign for breast cancer.


All I can think is, what the hell next?

I’m trying not to feel sorry for myself because I know there are people who have it worse, but it’s hard.

I’m going to see my gynaecologist today, but I lost both bank cards which means I don’t have a way to pay him let alone make my way to there. My parents are away, but my mum said I can take as much as I need from her stash. I haven’t told anyone about the lump except my sister who says I should stay positive. My mum is on holiday with her friends, my dad is away for work so I’ll wait until I know more, why worry them?

Hopefully it’s nothing to worry about…

Love, Autumn x

Iโ€™m baaaackk!!

Heyyyy everyone! I reread my previous post and looked at all the things I wanted to work on during my hiatus…. honestly I didn’t achieve much, no mindfulness or exercise and it definitely didn’t stop me from overthinking and spiralling!

A little about me before I talk boyssss. I had some health issues which are cleared up now which I’m super happy about so I’ve stopped my vegan diet and am now pescatarian (fish only), I’m still not eating dairy though. However, true to my luck while one problem was sorted I found out about 2 more, one which requires surgery to fix ๐Ÿ™„ Apart from that I’m goood ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿฝ

Moving swiftly on…

I’m still going on dates with Island boy, but are we seeing each other exclusively? I don’t think so, I’ve got no idea. I sent him a long message about his lack of communication sometimes and told him I didn’t know what he was after, as he can be quite hard to read. He said he didn’t want to rush into anything, but take it easy… ๐Ÿค” My immediate reaction was to feel a sense of hurt, as my mind lumped him in with all the guys who never thought I was good enough to commit to. Then after a conversation with my cousin Nevaeh who asked me if I was honestly ready to be in a relationship with him, I realised that although I really like him, I wasn’t sure.

I like how aware I am of my emotional needs and my faults. I know I can get emotionally attached quite quickly, I’ll miss Island boy pretty soon after we’ve said goodbye and even though I know he doesn’t miss me as we’ve just seen each other, but when we have longer periods apart I don’t really feel as though he misses me then either.

Missing someone is probably directed related to how much you like them so…

Honestly, I’m just tired of being hurt by guys so I’m reluctant to really put myself out there emotionally. I’m really trying not to let this affect how I am with Island boy, we get on soo well, he talks about visiting Barbados where I lived for several years and have family but I don’t feel like it’s genuine. I don’t think he really wants to go with me, but instead he’s just saying it in a joking way… I don’t know.

Sigh… I feel a little sad at the moment (I may be PMSing). It feels like my heart is a little frozen and needs to be thawed.

The pirate sent me a message and asked how I was doing and apologised for his late response as if it wasn’t him who started the conversation. He was just checking how I was doing, my parents, my youngest brother (they really liked each other, but now my bro just rolls his eyes at the mention of him ๐Ÿ™ˆ).

Anyway, I wasn’t that keen to respond but he messaged again an hour later saying he’d love to see me again as friends but would understand if I didn’t want to. I was sitting on my mums bed when I got the message and she told me I had to respond and that I should definitely see him. She went on about how he’s ill and his depression has made things so hard for him and basically said I should be a good friend to him. I mean, I didn’t need her to say all that. When we realised we weren’t going to work out we already decided to be friends and we never had a sexual relationship so we don’t have that baggage following us.

But then my mum asked me- “what is it that you saw in the pirate?”

My face lit up and I couldn’t help but smile as I remembered why I fell for him:

  • He always made time to see me, regularly and I always felt like he was happy to see me and enjoyed hanging out and it 100% wasn’t about sex.
  • He’d always go the extra mile for me and make it seem like it was nothing. Once when we planned to spend the weekend together (1 month in mind you ๐Ÿ™ˆ), he was planning to drive an hour to my house pick me up, drive an hour to his area, we hang out have our date, drop me home, drive home then pick me up again the next morning and do the same thing over again๐Ÿ˜‚ I said that was too much driving for him and he simply said it’s nothing, he’s happy to do it.
  • He brought me into his world really quickly, introducing me to friends and family, which I really wasn’t used to… and so I felt pretty awkward the entire time and didn’t wanna let go of his hand lol but it was the way he wanted to show me off.
  • Without going on and on it was simply that he made me feel special and beautiful and he let me know how he felt about me and didn’t let me forget it. I don’t need someone to constantly tell me that they like me, but catching me off guard and whispering I really really like you into my ear, made me feel like a school girl again. For the first time in my life I didn’t have to second guess how a guy felt about me or if he wanted something real with me, I knew because the pirate told me and showed me.

So after I said all this, I felt really emotional and began to tear up a little and whispered “I’m scared that I’ll never feel that way about anyone else again…”

She did the mum thing and said don’t be silly of course you will.

I hope she’s right. I’m afraid to fall that intensely for someone again. If I do I want it to be the last time; the next guy I give my heart to, I want to be the last. I know it’s a bold statement to make, but I want an incredible, passionate, romantic, amazing love, based on mutual respect and friendship. I won’t fall for someone who offers half-assed breadcrumbs of affection. I’ll be single until I meet someone who shows me they could be that person. Someone who shows me they’re worth it and who believes I’m worth it. Someone who respects and appreciates me. Someone who likes the parts of me I don’t even like and who’s proud to have me on his arm. Someone who enjoys spending time with me and misses when when we’re apart. Someone wants to travel the world with me, to make beautiful memories with me. Someone who really sees me.

I don’t know who that guy is, it’s definitely not Mr X and it’s not the pirate either. It might not seem like it, but I don’t want a future with him anymore. I love the way he made me feel and I love the time we spent together, but for all the happy times we had in those 2 months, remember I spent 3 months dealing with the fall out from his depression and I felt things I never want to feel again. I care about him dearly and would love us to be friends, but that’s it.

Sooo… Island boy… it’s still early days so time will tell how he feels about me, but right now I’m getting quite the casual/ meh/ I-like-you-a-bit-more than-friends vibe from him ๐Ÿค”

14th April will be 3 months since our first date, so I’ll wait until then and see if the vibe changes at all. I’m not saying I need him to make a commitment to me or anything like that, I just want to feel like he sees me as girlfriend material. Lets be clear though, and this is not being egotistic because I already know I’m worth it, it’s not about self worth it’s more about comparability. Whether or not he likes me enough and thinks we’re compatible enough to ultimately work out. I will also be taking this time to think about these things too.

My mum thinks we’re super compatible because he travels for work and so do I ๐Ÿ˜‚ She’ll find any reason to bring him up and will say Ooh I really like the sound of Island boy. I just ignore her now lol. She told me she had this vivid dream we all went to Barbados as my sister brought her boyfriend, my brother brought his girlfriend and I brought Island boy ๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„ I was like “stop it mum” Haha and in my head I’m thinking oh please probably couldn’t get him to come on a weekend trip away with me let alone a big ass family vacay ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚


That’s my update for now! It feels really good to be back.

Love, Autumnx

Blog Hiatus

I’ve decided I’m going on hiatus for a while, maybe a month or so. I’ll definitely be back though.

With my anxiety increasing over dating and work, I’ve decided to take a step back from writing about my life and analysing every little thing I do and just live it.

I want to get back into my mindfulness practice every morning.

I want to go to the gym more frequently

I want to self-reflect on the interactions I have with the people I meet, in a more positive and meaningful way.

I wouldn’t say it’s because of Island boy. He supports blog, when I told him I was thinking of reverting to pen and paper for a while and he told me not to, that the blog was my thing and I should continue it. He’s right, I love this blog so much, it’s such a great passion of mine and I love the community I’ve become a part of.

If I’m being honest I am a little anxious that he’s still reading this though ๐Ÿ™ˆ

The main reason is that I feel the need to step back and focus on my health a little. I had another anxiety attack this morning. God knows what it was about, the last one was triggered by a dream to do with work pressures and as I’m typing this now, I feel like I may be about to have another one. I really need to relax more.

So to all my readers, thank you for all the support and words of encouragement you’ve given me. Much love to you all and I’ll see you in a month! ๐Ÿ˜Š

-Love, Autumn x

Sad and Spiralling

I wish I didn’t develop feelings for guys at the rate I do.

When I spend a lot of time with someone over a short period of time, its even worse because it feels like i’ve known them a lot longer than I have. This is exactly what happened with the pirate, except I didnt worry much about how he felt about me because he was really good with messaging and told me how he felt.

My cousin Nevaeh swears by the whole “roster” way of dating, which is to date several guys at once so your attention is never solely focused on one guy, which in turn helps with the rate at which you might fall for someone. Sure you’ll have your favourites, but if 3 other guys are texting you or taking you out on dates you wont come across as needy or clingy or too available.

I know I said I was going to delete tinder (which I did) and I didn’t want to date for the sake of dating, but I must admit I am begininng to see the appeal of dating several people. Of course, I only want to date island boy, but if things continue the way they are and I keep feeling the way I do, things just aren’t going to work out and he’ll leave. When Island boy was away this weekend, I really missed him, now he’s back and that feeling is still there, wrapped up in worry and anxiety that he’s going to tell me he’s not feeling this anymore. I’m waiting for it like I know it’s coming, I can feel it.

I really like him and as I found out when taking the Love Languages test, a while back, my main LL is words of affirmation. So I need to hear someone tell me how they feel, that they miss me, that they like spending time with me etc. Yes its only been two weeks so I’m aware that I must sound pretty crazy, going on and on about feelings, and I know I need to stop overthinkingย  everything and get out of my head, but I’m having a lot of trouble with this at the moment and I can’t help the way I feel right now, which is sad… I feel so sad.

Last night, it took me ages to fall asleep, all I could think about was how great it felt to be wrapped up in his arms at night… so warm. Sigh, I know I need to pull myself together, with Valentines looming, I can only imagine I’m going to feel worse very soon. People in my life keep saying that they’re really happy for me and keep bringing up Valentines as if I already have a date this year.

My go-to response to them is “things like that just don’t happen to me.”ย 

I don’t get romanced, I don’t get surprised, I don’t get roses, I don’t get any kind of valentines gift. Guys never put that much effort in for me and I’m not saying all of this to get sympathy, because I know I’m worth all those things, I just refuse to look forward to or be optimistic about an event I know I won’t get to celebrate this year.ย I’ve never had Valentines plans… ever… I’m a 27 year old who’s never had a valentine, how tragic am I?

-Love, Autumn x

Dark Thoughts (poem)

The darkest thoughts come to me when I am alone,

Sometimes when I’m lonely or just missing home.

Sometimes when I feel like my hearts ripped in two,

Sometimes when I’m troubled and know not what to do.

When dark thoughts come over, they don’t knock at the door,

To announce they are here, what would they do that for?

No, they are sneaky, some deadly, some vain,

Some point the finger, accuse you, place blame.

Dark thoughts like to settle, and once they are inside,

The deepest dark crevice is where they like to hide.

And when you least expect it they come out to play,

Affecting your actions and things that you say.

But what thoughts are these?

Thoughts like, how much food do I need to survive?

If I stop eating now, how much time โ€˜til I die?

How many days โ€˜til I wither away?

Curled up as tightly as a bale of hay.

Thoughts like how it feels when youโ€™re fighting to breathe,

Holding your breath โ€˜til you splutter and wheeze.

Drowning in water, that’s too rocky to fight,

Choking and coughing with all of your might.

Thoughts like how it feels when youโ€™ve given up hope,

Your mind has been shattered and you cannot cope.

When loveโ€™s dark embrace sends you out on a ledge,

Fighting your feelings โ€˜til youโ€™re pushed off the edge.

Thoughts like what if my whole life is a lie?

Thoughts like will I be relieved if I die?

Thoughts like will my suffering ever subside?

Thoughts like how one runs when thereโ€™s nowhere to hide.

The darkest thoughts come to me, when I am alone,

And behind my silence, they howl and they moan.

So many dark thoughts, they block out the light,

When they take over, itโ€™s never a fair fight.

This is a poem I wrote a while back, before all the stuff with the pirate. I was compiling a lot of my poetry together into a book and realised how dark a lot of it was. To be fair my family have always commented on how dark it can be, but anyways I came up with the idea to call the book “Dark Thoughts.” It was then that I had the urge to write something to highlight the true nature of the book and came up with this.

-Love, Autumn x

Wrapping up an emotional weekend

So, I didn’t respond to the long text from Mr X pretty much stepping out of my life. I was spending the evening at my cousins for a games night and was upset already without entering into a back and forth with him that I felt wouldn’t change anything. Also, I knew I didn’t have anything positive to say to him. I was taught that if you don’t have anything good to say don’t say anything at all.

What I would’ve said is:

  • I deserve better than someone who only seems to want me when someone else has shown interest
  • I deserve better than someone who makes it seem like such an effort to spend time with me
  • And I deserve better than someone who doesn’t truly want the same things as me (kids)- more on this later.
  • I deserve to be happy

The next day, I received a WhatsApp message from him saying- I know you’re probably angry but can you at least let me know you received my text.

At this point I was still trying to maintain composure and remain calm, but he was pissing me off. Send your message and leave me alone! I simply relied with a ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿฝ

Mr X: After all that time that’s all you got. Take care Autumn, speak later X

Umm… speak later? What about what you said yesterday? See how he likes to try and mess with my head ๐Ÿ™„ I think he keeps forgetting who he’s talking to.

Me: I donโ€™t know what you want from me and what you expect me to say! Reading that yesterday really upset me and I donโ€™t want to spend my whole weekend feeling upset so Iโ€™d rather not get into this. I never wanted to lose you as a friend, but youโ€™ve gotta do whatโ€™s best for you and if thatโ€™s not talking to me anymore then thatโ€™s that. Bye Mr X, take care x

As you can see, I took the high road, sent a positive message and I thought that would be that…

Mr X: I cried like a girl when I sent that,it wasn’t something I wanted to do and I don’t wanna lose you as a friend but you said you don’t want it getting complicated and to not do that I can’t speak to you daily and meet up with you. You are one of my best friends I love you dearly that’s why I need to step away,I really hope you understand all of that because it’s not anger or anything causing me to do this but the fact that I care about you so much,I’m gonna be lost without you but I can’t see any other way round it. You asked me for 3 months of no speaking once and right now I need time to deal with this. I hope to speak to you in the future and just be friends but I struggle looking at you like that after how iv thought and felt for you. I’m sorry to upset you I really am,iv done it to much. I love you to pieces and wonder if you believe that sometimes but I do. Try enjoy your weekend Autumn X X X

Sighhhhh…. I promise you I’m not a cold person at all!

I’m not mad at him, I never was, and like I said I understand why he feels he needs to step away. I completely get it, but he’s manipulative and I don’t know if that’s how his messages read to other people.

I said I didn’t want to complicate things only because he started talking about not wanting things to end up how they were with the pirate when he was crying “like a bitch” (his words). So I said, okay let’s keep it simple then, we’ll just be friends. Then he started talking about how it’s not that easy. I was always clear with him I’m not going to stop dating. I want to find someone I can have a life with who wants the same things as I do and kids is number 1 on the list it’s a deal breaker for me.

Remember Mr X didn’t want kids, then said he would have them with me. Then said he wants them now, then after I chose the pirate, he didn’t want them anymore… no! To me it sounds like he would’ve tried to get on board with the idea for me, but I don’t want that. I want someone who is as excited about having kids (someday) as I am! Who wants them himself not just because I do. I grew up with several siblings and remember how great it was and I want that for my own kids.

But enough kid talk from the girl who doesn’t even have a boyfriend lol ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

I’m okay now, I’m not feeling as upset over the whole thing. Mr X liked something I posted on Facebook, which annoyed me a little, but I ignored it. I heard back from Island boy, which pretty much made my entire weekend. I’m looking forward to seeing him when he gets back. I actually missed him while he was away what the hell is wrong with me? ๐Ÿ™ˆ I fought the urge to tell him I missed him so I’m pretty proud of myself and I think I’ll just blame all these emotions on my period… yep that feels damn good lol

Umm the pirate has been engaging in very spotty small talk, which is irritating me a little. He’ll say something, I’ll reply and I won’t get a reply til the next day, if that. I have a pet peeve about people who read my messages and don’t reply or reply agesss later when they’ve been off and online all day. I’d rather you just not talk to me at all. I’m honestly not sure what he wants, the only reason I’m not calling him out on his messaging, is because of his depression. I don’t know how he’s doing with all of that at the moment and I don’t wanna upset him as he gets worried, anxious and feels guilty at the smallest of stuff.

I’ll be spending the rest of my Sunday, cleaning and watching TV on my laptop and I’m actually looking forward to it.

Have a great weekend!๐Ÿ˜Š

-Love, Autumn x

Goodbye to Mr X… I canโ€™t believe it!!

With plans to meet up, looming, I had to be honest with Mr X when I felt like he still wasn’t getting that I only saw us as just friends. I told him about Island boy and he said he could tell that I liked him. Most evenings he’d ask what I was up to or if I was on another date and I’d say yeah, but it’s the same guy. I think he thought I was mass dating instead of going on several with the same guy.

Anyways true to form he began a narrative that suggested he was still interested and wanted more and just like I predicted it was just like the situation with the pirate, me forced with a choice, I didn’t want to make.

I have such a history with him, he’s one of my closest friends, but I can’t force something, that for me, just isn’t there anymore. There was no choice to make. I mean, I’ve got no idea if I’ll even hear from Island boy again, we haven’t even spoken at all today, but either way I knew I needed to completely close the door on a romantic relationship with Mr X… However, I didn’t know that by closing that door, I was closing the friendship door too.

I’ve written so much about him over the years and the one thing that’s always worried me, is that I’d lose the friendship we built. I don’t have many close friends in the UK, I can probably count them on one hand… he was one of them. He was always there for me when I was really down and he’s helped me in more ways than I can count. I understand why he’s stepping out of my life, but just because I understand, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

This weekend is definitely going to be a hard one for me.

-Love, Autumn x

Reality time check

When I like someone and we spend a lot of time together, it’s easy to forget I haven’t actually known them that long. For example, when I was seeing the pirate, things got intense between us very quickly, we had an instant connection. He travelled down to see me regularly and we went out in London, held hands and it felt sort of magical, especially compared to the once a month/ two months contact with Mr X. Even though only a month had passed, it felt like we’d known each other way longer. People are still surprised when I tell them that in the end we never actually had sex.

The thing for me is remembering that it is just a feeling. You could see someone every day for 2 weeks and feel like you’ve known them for years, but reality check it’s been 2 weeks so acceptable behaviour for the 1 year mark, may make you look crazy at the 2 week mark.

The reason I’m mentioning this is because I met island boy about 2 weeks ago, but it feels like longer. He’s a really sweet guy, I enjoy spending time with him and I love when he refers to me as beautiful or gorgeous… my heart melts ๐Ÿ˜

After all the overthinking that was evident in my post “Repeating Past Mistakes,” I decided not to date anyone else. This is not me declaring exclusivity to island boy, I’m not stupid enough to think I’m the only girl he’s seeing ๐Ÿ˜… It’s just that dating feels stressful enough for me without adding extra guys into the mix so I’m deleting tinder for now, not that I’ve really used it since we started talking, it’s just still on my phone.

I got some great advice from Geminilvr, who said “don’t just date to date, date others because you want to date, not because you feel you have to.” If I went on dates with new guys, I’d be doing it because I feel like after 2 weeks I should still be throwing my line into the water to catch fish. Like I should be tasting different fish until I find a favourite, a fish who’ll deliberately swim up to my rod as it only wants to be caught by me. ๐Ÿ˜‚ ok so I’m painfully aware of how shit that allegory is! Also, is it even an allegory? Lol hopefully that’s the right word.

Island boy said something to me this morning after I slept over. He said he didn’t sleep well the first night, the second night he slept okay so by the 6th night he probably won’t even notice I’m here. The 6th night huh? ๐Ÿ˜sounds promising, but we’ll see. Honestly, he’s the best cuddler ever! Never been held like that before, where I’m wrapped up in someone’s arms almost the entire night, it felt really nice. I feel really safe around him. Also, his kisses are amazing! Even now as I write this I’m craving a long make out session and a cuddle… Oh God, I really like him!! What am I like? ๐Ÿ™ˆ

-Love, Autumn x

Weekend Plans

Booo!! Island boy is away this weekend and I had no intention of going out with the girls seen as I spent an obscene amount on Rihanna’s Fenty makeup range! I mean I was soooo extra, I bought brushes… I didn’t really need them, but I was caught up in the moment. I went to get a skin tone match so I’d have the perfect colour and I was blown away. I was fully ready for the catwalk. Of course when I put the makeup on myself it didn’t look as good ๐Ÿ˜‚ but it’s a learning curve, I’m sure I’ll get better.

So yeah, with that dent in my account I decided to stay home, clean, wash clothes and find my debit card, which I’m 100% sure is somewhere in the house.


Me X asked me out to grab a drink or get dinner on Saturday. I’ve told him plenty of times that we’re just friends, but I don’t know if he’s got that into his head yet. He still talks about past feelings and worries about feeling they way he did when I met the Pirate.

For those who don’t remember or are new to my blog, I was talking to Mr X for almost 2 years and he made it clear we’d never have anything serious, but when I met someone else, he told me he loved me, asked me to choose him over the Pirate, cried on the phone and pretty much fell apart. I felt awful because he was saying everything I’d always dreamed of him saying, but it was too late.

When things ended with the pirate, he fell back into his old ways, saying we should hang out on minute then being kind of distant the next and giving excuses to why we couldn’t meet up. Honestly, I wasn’t surprised and that’s when I went back to Tinder and swiped for a couple days before I matched with Island boy. Then sure enough, guess who popped back up?

๐Ÿ™„ men…

Don’t get me wrong, I think it would be really nice to see him. I mean, no one gets me irritated and fired up the way he does, to the point where I want to physically hurt him, but despite that, I do enjoy hanging out with him. As I’m writing this, I’m talking myself into going. It’s harmless really, besides although I like Island boy a lot, I don’t really know how he feels and I have to keep reminding myself it’s only been 2 weeks so of course we haven’t had any exclusivity or where this is going? chats and Mr X has always been there for me and I get the feeling he has some stuff he wants to get off his chest… ๐Ÿค”

-Love, Autumn x