Week 4 without the Pirate

Day 20

I was a mess yesterday! I fell apart in a way i’m not exactly unfamiliar with. I’ve always had trouble managing my moods. You’ve seen this first hand when  I ruined a perfectly good night out with my mood, right as we were heading home. Yesterday I was feeling really low, but it happened so quickly! One minute I’m enjoying my music, rocking out to some old school alternative, and then I go downstairs to help put up the Christmas tree and my mood dropped. My mum was not impressed and my brother was worried. Mum said I need to seek help for my mood swings as they have a negative effect on everyone else and it’s not fair. I can’t say I’m surprised. Last night I went to my GP about how I felt, she said it sounded like depression and gave me meds, but I only took them for a few days (I hate how quick they throw meds at you). My moods are direct reactions triggered by things i see or hear or a feeling that sweeps over me. I’m getting myself sorted out, I need to now more than ever.

Day 21

My heart hurts and my eyes are sore from all the crying and yet here I am, writing to you. Maybe I’m a masochist. I had a dream last night that I recieved a text from you… more like a nightmare as I woke up suddenly, fear running through me and I only managed to read a little bit of it. It said “I’d rather break 100 hearts than break yours,” and it made me think the end is coming… yes that sounds dramatic, but at 5am that’s the vibe I was feeling. I really hope it was just a stupid dream that doesn’t mean anything.

Day 22

Today was a good day for me. We had a packed clinic with back to back appointments and they all went really well. I felt really accomplished, it was a great feeling. My little brother played me a song on the ukelele, it was mesmerising, soo good! Then he asked for one of my poems he could turn into a song. I gave him one I wrote years ago called “The Young Girl” and he played me a taster. It was hauntingly beautiful just as it was supposed to be. He’s such a talent that one! Maybe one day you two will jam. I hope you’re well and still fighting the good fight. I miss you xoxo

Day 23

Today one of those memory videos about 2017 came up on Facebook. It showed me a few new friends I made this year; you, your mum and aunt. I couldnt help but  smile. Then it showed picture memories and I saw one of you on stage and one of us lying on the grass at Greenwich Park. I was surprised at how I felt. I expected to feel sad, to feel a longing to go back, but I didnt. I felt happy. Happy to have met you, happy to have gotten the chance to make those memories and happy and lucky to have ever experienced your kindness and the way you made me feel so special. Pirate, I’m so happy you were in my 2017 and hope you’ll be in my 2018 xoxo

Day 24

Today, I was thinking, some would probably look at what’s happened between us and feel sorry for me, I know you did. You kept apologising, you said this wasn’t fair on me, you asked if i was disappointed in you, you asked if I thought you were a little fucked upu. You had no idea I loved you and didnt need your apology, that i thought it wasnt fair on you to feel that way, that i could never be disappointed in you when you were trying so hard to be there for me, while struggling to hold onto who you were, that not even for a second did i ever think you were fucked up. I saw you at your lowest, a prisoner to your depression and I wasn’t scared off like some may have been. I simply saw the guy I fell in love with and a burden I’d help him carry, if he’d let me. You know, if i could have anything in the world, any selfish wish granted to me, I’d wish you never had to struggle like this again. Whether or not I got to be part of your life or not, I’d want your skies to always be blue and your aura to be red!

Day 25

Today I’ll keep it brief as I’ve spent the entire day in bed watching TV on my laptop. I finally went to get food at 3pm and my hands were shaking because of how weak I felt, soo not good! I guess by watching TV all day I haven’t had time to think or should I say dwell on how I feel about us. Maybe that’s a good thing. I know how I feel about you and how you once felt about me and I’m going to hold on to that feeling because it makes me feel happy and it makes me feel  strong. I love you Pirate.

Day 26

This might sound a bit stalkerish, but lets face it, thats my speciality so here goes- whenever I see you haven’t been online on Facebook for hours, I get worried. I worry that something bad has happened to you and it makes me so anxious. Not feeling able to reach out and check on you has been hard, and resisting the urge to ask your mum how you are, is hard too. All I can do is hope to see you online. It won’t clue me in to exactly how you are, but I’ll be able to rest a little easier knowing you’re okay… you’re still here.

Mental Health History

Yesterday we put up the Christmas tree. My brother and sister came round and for the first time in ages all 5 of us were home at the same time, along with mum and dad. I love this time of year and I love putting up the tree with them even though they piss me off every year it’s all playful banter, but yesterday I felt nothing.

I honestly felt a little dead inside. It’s so easy for me to point the finger and blame people for my mood.

  1. I could blame my sister who kept talking about her boyfriend who she lives with and they’re moving into a new place together in the new year and they’re doing stuff on their YouTube channel and everyone in the family is so interested in him and they think he’s great!
  2. I could blame my older brother for talking about his girlfriend and the trip they went on to France. How much she wants to meet us all. 🤮
  3. I could blame my family for egging them both on, prying for more information. Yeah we get it you’re in love and you’re happy and yes I’m aware of how bitter I sound. 
  4. Of course the easiest person to blame would be the pirate. The way he’s pushed me away has affected me deeply, without question, but his actions cannot be solely to blame for how I feel because the truth is this feeling isn’t new.

When I was about 15 or so and was living in Barbados, I used to have really bad mood swings. I always found them difficult to come out of, but it was pretty much chalked up to the whole moody teenager persona. In fact, if I really think about it my moods could go back further to when I was a kid- as young as 8 or 9. My mum told me I would get in the most terrible moods based on the smallest altercations and end up ruining family days out and photographs. There are sooo many photos where my scowl/frown are on show, but again I think it was chalked up to me just being a moody kid.

I’ve always handled it on my own, never really felt like I needed help with my moods. My mum often joked that I was bipolar and I laughed it off in that sarcastic “haha very funny” way. I knew it couldn’t be that because there was no mania, I was in a regular mood, or a low one, there weren’t really any unnatural highs, so I didn’t think much of it. For a while I suspected Seasonal Affective Disorder, because at ages 15 through to about 17/18 I found myself feeling down around the same time of year Oct/Nov, and maybe that is what it was back then, but there’s no set time for my low moods now so it’s not that.

I used to think I had OCD for a while I school, because I would have really inappropriate thoughts, that grossed me out to my core and I found it really difficult to shake the images at times. I was always too embarrassed to tell anyone, so I kept silent. I also had this weird obsession with the number 4. I didn’t have to do things 4 times because I thought something bad would happen if I didn’t, but I did feel a sense of satisfaction when I ate things in groups of four or the rare occasion I did do things four times. Four is my lucky number to this day and 16… ohh sweet 16, is even sweeter as it’s 4×4, if I’m at the casino at the roulette table, you better believe I’m putting chips on a 4 and 16. But getting real I don’t have OCD I was just a little weird.. still am to be fair.

When I was 18 and I came back to the UK, I returned with minimal self confidence. Somewhere in my 7 years living in Barbados I had lost part of who I was. The girl who could get on stage and sing solo in the school choir or perform on stage in a play without fear, she had died without me even realising it. While my siblings were at school making friends, I was looking for a job, friendless and feeling very alone. My pride stopped me from hanging out with my sister and cousin’s friends and so I retreated into myself. Even when I got a job I wasn’t very sociable, I kept to myself. It’s hard to explain it, but I longed for friends and hated feeling lonely all the time, but the thought of talking to new people made me feel so anxious, scared and most of all awkward (it still does). When I went to uni I had to push myself past the awkwardness and I did make a few friends, Noah is from my uni days and I’m happy to say he’s one of my best friends. This social anxiety feels so restricting and I know it’s something I’ve got to work on.

Last year August, I fell into one of the worst states I’ve ever experienced (besides this one I’m currently in). I was extremely depressed and went to my GP for help. I had it all rehearsed in my mind that I would finally come out and say I was feeling depressed, but at the last second I chickened out and told her I was feeling anxious. Technically, I was anxious too- I was walking around feeling soo much tension in my chest, whenever someone raised their voice, the tension tightened, the mere sound of my mother’s shrill voice caused me actual pain, if my parents were trying to figure who had done something  negative like break a glass or an ornament, I would feel this overwhelming sense of guilt. In fact, I felt generally guilty when I had done nothing wrong. I also felt very fearful. I was afraid to make mistakes at work, I was afraid of rejection in my dating life (back then I was dating Mr X, before we had sex). Most of all I was afraid that people would find out I’m a fraud. Even today, I am constantly praised for my contributions at work and even got a promotion and raise and it all comes with even more responsibility and yet no matter how many professionals say how much they enjoy working with me or how talented I am or that they wish they could clone me, it doesn’t matter becuase I dont feel like this person they’re describing. Back then, my relationship with Mr X helped me feel more like myself again. I was sooo sad all the time and talking to him, made me feel so happy.

I don’t want my happiness to be dependent on a guy, thats unhealthy, but for now I feel like I really need my friend. 

Mr X knows about my moods and has been on the receiving end of many of my “switches.” About a week ago, he noticed I was being quite short with him, and distant and told me I could always talk to him if I wanted to, but honestly it was the last thing I wanted to do, plus I still felt like it would be a betrayal to the pirate, especially considering we (Mr X and I) ended up kissing last time I saw him (pre-exclusivity converstaion with the pirate). I love the pirate so I don’t think I will feel any temptation, but I’m also not feeling like myself so maybe I shouldn’t risk it. I honestly don’t know what will happen with the pirate, as much as I want there to be a future for us, I don’t know if it’ll happen. All I know is, he’s putting himself first right now and I need to do the same.

I said I was going to start eating better and going to the gym- I havent made it to the gym yet, but my first week of healthy eating led to me losing 5 lbs, my mum and younger brother were happier for me than I was, I could just about muster a smile. Last night, when I got compliments that I looked like I had lost weight, I simply smiled and said thanks (I’m not starving myself or anything like that by the way, but eating a balanced vegan diet, 3 months Vegan!!). Yep I obviously wasn’t feeling like myself. On that note, today I got a referral to a psychiatrist today to get myself sorted once and for all. No more speculating what causes my mood swings. My mum thinks its hormonal, it could be, I’ve always had issues with my hormones- I’ve had a pretty irregular cycle my whole life, ranging from 18 days to 108 days… yup! Messed up indeed!! 

Honestly, I would really like to stop crying as much as I have been. The majority of the time, I’m not even thinking about the pirate when the tears start silently flowing, but they do and I can’t put my finger on what’s causing it. Luckily, the uncontrollable tears are a night time affliction and I can function properly at work. I struggle most when I’m alone in my room. I’ve cried several times while writing this post. Its tiring, I’m tired and on  that note, I’m off to bed. Night

-Love, Autumn x

 

 

 

 

Week 3 without the Pirate

Day 13

Today, I’m strongly feeling that you don’t want anything to do with me. I just can’t figure out if it’s because you genuinely don’t want a future with me or because you want more for me. Honestly, there is no “more” for me. You are it! I’ll never be able to explain it to you, to get this point across to you, and even if I could, somehow I doubt you’d believe it, but you mean the world to me. You are everything I want in a partner, my heart beats for you. I’ll be your biggest fan, your fiercest supporter and I’ll weather the storms, no matter how many come our way, because I truly believe what we have is worth fighting for… I almost got hit by a car today, I was shaken and I wanted to talk to you. Your voice always makes me feel better. Lucky for me I have all the voice notes you recorded for me. I love you so much Pirate, soo much xoxo

Day 14

I cried again last night and once the tears started they just wouldn’t stop. I cried myself to sleep. It’s hard seeing you constantly online on Facebook. It makes me wonder if you’re online talking to someone new. It makes me wonder if there’s someone else out there who can be there for you when I can’t, who can bring a little light to your life, who can make you feel better. My heart hurts at the thought, but at the same time, the thought of you feeling better makes me happy, even if it’s not me who gets to make you feel that way. I feel so stupid and naive, like you’re trying to tell me more with your silence than I’m willing to believe. This morning as I made my tea “you don’t want it” (something he used to say in a jamaican accent that always made me laugh) came into my head and I smiled. I saw my mum’s umbrella on the chair and remembered when you bought an umbrella to keep me dry on a date. I remembered when you bought me porridge and cookies that were dairy free so I could have something to eat while you were at work. I remembered all the little thoughful things you did and it made me smile, and I felt lucky to have met you.

Day 15

Today I reached out, just a little message to let you know I was still here for you and I haven’t given up on you, not for a second. I woke up feeling like I really needed to tell you that, like you really needed to know. I had to do it. The silence between us can continue, but as long as you know I’m still here, I hope the thought brings you even the tiniest of light during these dark days. I wish I knew what you were thinking, what’s going on in that head of yours. I wish I could fix this for you, I wish I had all the answers. I told you that you didn’t have to reply to my message, In  truth, I just wanted you to read it, to know I’m still here, as I thought, you didn’t reply.

Day 16

Today I’m thankful… for your mum. Not only did she bring you into this world and raise you to be the kind, caring, selfless, respectful and handsome man that I love,but she’s been so lovely to me. From the day we met, she’s made me feel accepted, cared for and important to you and her. And now, in your time of darkness, where you’ve completely cut me out of your life and pushed me away, she’s been there. To let me know you’re okay, to listen to my worries and give me words of kindness that only boost my resolve, my patience, my hope that one day you’ll return to me. Oh how I long to see your smile again.

Day 17

It’s December baby! The 23rd seems within reach, but lets face it, there’s a big chance you wont be up for meeting and although I’m trying to be positive, I must admit it’s hard because as cheesy as it may sound, this year honestly, all I want for Christmas is you Pirate x

Day 18

Honestly, today… in fact lately, I feel as though I don’t have much to say. I love you and miss you, that’s a given, but what else can I say? There was so much I wanted to do with you this Christmas, it would’ve been amazing, making all those memories. I can only hope we have next year. I was thinking today of how much better it would have been if I had fallen in love with you at a time when I could actually express it to you, as it’s so hard not being able to tell you, but LOVE doesn’t wait for the perfect moment, it doesn’t knock politely at the door, it kicks it down when you least expect it and barges in… whether you want it to or not. For the record, I love loving you x

Day 19

Today we’re putting up the Christmas tree so I’m sure I’ll have my hands full, barking orders and getting annoyed when they’re not followed lol it’s almost become a Christmas tradition that strangely we ALL look forward to, that and no one wnating me to play the song “Christmas Shoes” they say its too sad. I still miss you, but that’s a given. I’m dying for a signthat you still care about me, that you still want this to work, but somehow I know I won’t get it. All I can say is I’m happy you’re still performing, it means you’re still in there somewhere. I got to watch you live via Instagram thanks to Lizzie, she’s great and you guys were too… of course. Everytime you pick up the mic and sing, you wow the crowd and me among them. Your talent and your fight- even through everything you’re going through, to be able to put on a show the way you do, amazes me. You make me so proud! You blow me away Pirate! You’re amazing x

-Love, Autumn x

Week 2 without the Pirate

Day 6

Last night I cried. I’ve been trying so hard not to. I thought that if I cried it would mean I was accepting that it was over between us. For now, I’m changing that narrative. I cried because I needed to let it out. I’m hurting and I can’t keep ignoring that, so when I need to, I’ll let my tears fall… unapologetically. I need to be kinder to myself, I know you’d want that too. Hurry back to me… please.

Day 7

I feel so alone Pirate and it’s not just about you. Yes, I still feel the bitter sting of your absence, but it’s more than that. I felt it when I was alone at the EP launch. My already small social circle is getting narrower and I’m not the best at putting myself out there socially. I find it a little awkward. Sigh… I can’t explain how much I feel your absence, how much it hurts. I hope you never have to feel what I’m feeling right now. I love you x I worry about you… a lot, more than I know you’d want me to. I can’t help it though. I said I’d give you space and I’m trying to respect that, but I don’t know how you are, if you’re okay. I want to ask you, but I fear it might drive you away so I’m left stuck with this conundrum- bother you with a question you’re probably sick of hearing, just to ease my own anxiety or leave you alone like you want me to, to ease your own… by now you know the choice I made.

Day 8

I spoke to your mum yesterday. I was feeling desperate and conflicted. Honestly, I just wanted to know you were okay… whatever that means right now. She’s worried about you, your sister is too. You are so loved Pirate!! You mean so much to so many people. Today my mum asked how you were and she told me she could fast track an appointment for you to see Dr C, a psychiatrist… I hope you go. I was a little hesitant as I don’t want to seem intrusive, but my mum told me to tell your mum and it’s up to her what she does with the information, so I did. I care more about you getting better than what you or your family think of me. So if I have to be the naggy, overbearing, pushy girl, who has no right to be, and is totally crossing a line, then I guess that’s who I am now. I’ll cross a million lines for you… just don’t expect me to risk jail time because that’s a no no! lol. I love you xx (p.s I’m a good girl 😇)

Day 9

One of these days maybe I’ll wake up without you on my mind, but today is not that day. Today I feel hopeful though. After speaking to your mum, I feel like things are about to get better for you, so I’m holding onto hope! xx I had a great day at work today. I felt very accomplished and quite confident, which is rare for me. I saw that you’ve got a gig with BG on the 1st, I hope you’re not stressing too much. I think that the fact that you’re still playing is great! Keep fighting baby, you are so much stronger than you think.

Day 10

I hope you don’t think I’m weird for doing this. I just want you to know that I never gave up on you, not for a second. I wrote the following before I fell asleep last night/this morning… “It’s after 12 am and I  can’t sleep. I’ve been crying again… a lot, I feel like I can’t stop. I was reading over our messages from the week before our break and realised I had been  so selfish. I knew how much you were struggling yet I still dumped all my feelings on you and made you feel guilty for how I was feeling. I’m soo sorry Pirate. I already feel like I played a part in your struggle, however ridiculous that may sound… or perhaps it doesn’t. Perhaps you thought the same thing and that’s why you began to pull away… sigh. I can’t sleep. I want to call you, to hear your voice, to tell you how sorry I am. I want to be with you and it makes me so sad to think that that might never happen…” I keep having these dreams about you leaving me. I can’t help, but wonder if they mean  something. I hope not. The thought hurts me. I’ll try not to dwell on it though, after all they’re just thoughts…right?

Day 11

I spend a lot of time worrying. Not just about how you are, but if you know I miss you and I’m still here for you. It’s probably the last thing  on your mind though, which is understandable. All I want to do is type those three words and press send. I want to tell you that I love you… how much I love you, but I don’t want the first time I say it to be  through a screen. I want to hold you, to look into your eyes, for you to see the emotion in  mine, for you to see how much I mean it. I don’t want you to doubt me the first time I tell you that I love you, so I’ll wait.

Day 12

I feel surprisingly calm this morning. I’m finding it difficult to put my finger on it… is it the calm before the storm? Of course my mind would go there. I had a dream about you. I went to Spitalfields to do some Christmas shopping and I saw you with your family. You definitely didn’t look pleased to see me, but we had a quick chat and you were embarrassed about how you looked. I told you that you didn’t need to be at 100% or even 20% for me to be around you, I’d even be there  at 1%. Then we parted ways and  I pictured lying in silence with you, on your bed, cuddling, you talking, me talking, you sleeping while I ran my hands through your hair and  read quietly to myself. I could be there for you… just there, beside you. Showing you you’re not alone, showing you you never need to be anything, but yourself with me, because no matter how you feel or look, it’s not going to change the fact that I love you!! xxxx

-Love, Autumn x<

/p>

The other side of love

I thought I’d share the poem I mentioned in my last post. I hope you enjoy!

-Love, Autumn x

The other side of love

No one tells you about the other side of love

They tell you about the giddy nerves and anticipation

The way he’ll make your heart skip a beat

They tell you about the endless smiles and laughter

The butterflies in your stomach

They tell you about the way you’ll feel in his arms

Safe, warm, protected… home

They’ll fill your mind with sunny skies and rainbows

But no one tells you about the other side of love

What about the uncertainty?

Constantly overthinking things

Second guessing every move you make

Afraid to scare him away

What about the longing?

For more of everything

His time, attention, Love

Feeling suffocated by your own insatiability

What about the distance?

How it feels when he’s so far away

Physically, emotionally, mentally

Out of reach…

What about how painful it is to miss him?

His face, his voice, his smell, his touch, his kiss

The way he’d smell your neck when he hugged you

Even the little things he did that annoyed you

And what about the heartache?

The way it feels when you get left behind

Haunted by memories

And thoughts of what could have been

Perhaps this is why no one tells you about the other side of love

Week 1 without the Pirate

Day 0

Today we decided to take a break. I didn’t feel like I had a choice- it was lose you for a while or forever, and I couldn’t bear the thought of a forever without you. I think i’m a little in denial though, or maybe i’m hopeful, optimistic about us. I don’t feel like its the end.. maybe that’s why I haven’t cried.

Day 1

My first full day without you. No morning text… even if it felt like it had become  obligatory- a chain around your neck. I missed you most when I got to work. I felt a wave of sadness sweep over me. It took me by surprise, my eyes welled up, but I shook off the feeling and  got back to work. At night time, I pictured lying in your arms.

Day 2

I woke up and my mind went  straight to you.  I wondered if you were okay, how you slept. I wondered if this would get easier. Some days I wonder if I did this to you… today is one of those days. Has knowing me ruined Christmas for you? I wrote a poem at work today, it was inspired by you. Its called “The other side of Love.” I think that maybe you know I love you, but I wonder if you know I’m “in love” with you. I have been for a while.  I just couldn’t tell you and put more emotional stress on you.  It isn’t fair, so I kept quiet, but I do… I am. I’m in love with you!

Day 3

Oh Pirate, I can’t explain how much I miss you! I know we already spent 6 weeks apart, but I had no idea what a simple text could do to the distance between us. I wonder when  i’ll wake up with you not on my mind, I hope its soon… I hope you’re okay. Today i’m going to Derby for the weekend. I need this… I hope I don’t think of you.

Day 4

I desperately want to write something fun or exciting or insightful, but honestly the words in  my head screaming to be birthed on paper are “I miss you.” It’s funny how you can miss someone you haven’t known that long, but then again, I know that time is not a measure of love and affection. Guess I achieved insightful after all. I admit I thought of you again this morning- how you were… and selfishly if you had thought of me even once… I was certain you didn’t miss me, which stung a little.  It made me remember my dream- when this is all done and  you’re feeling better, you told me you had  met someone else… I was heart broken. Please don’t break my heart Pirate.

Day 5

Last night I couldn’t get you off my mind. I let a few tears escape,  but don’t worry, I quickly pulled myself together. I’m  really trying here, but I must admit it’s hard. I miss you so much! I miss your smell… badly. I miss your laugh, that cheeky grin, the way you said “what?” every time I made that face or you caught me staring at you. I miss staring at you. I miss the way it feels to be held by you. There are a lot of things I miss, but ultimately it all comes down to missing you.  I can’t believe you don’t see how special you are, but don’t worry, I’ll show you… I promise x

-Love, Autumn x

Diary Entries

I decided to write every day until I see the pirate.

Just diary entries maybe 5-6 lines long.

I want to remember how I felt, what I was thinking.

Maybe I’ll let him read it some day.

I think I’ll post them weekly so you can see what my mind has been up to.

If there are any miraculous developments I’ll be sure to let you know straight away.

-Love, Autumn x

We’re on a break

That’s right me and the pirate are on a break, but the one envisioned by Rachel not Ross (sorry about the Friends reference if you’ve never seen it).

I think we were both on the same page about this. After seeing him and having a really shitty weekend, he had barely messaged since early Sunday. In truth I knew he’d be pulling away for a while and It was something I was very aware of, but I wasn’t allowing my thoughts to spiral out of control, wondering why, because I already knew.

He was still spending way too much time worrying about how he was affecting me, adding to his own stresses. I can’t explain how shitty it felt to know I was almost like a burden on his own well-being. So after I messaged to ask if he was alright, as I hadn’t heard from him, he said he wasn’t, that his head was all over the place and he’s just felt like keeping to himself.

Funnily enough I was on the phone to my cousin Nevaeh at the time and before he even said that, I told her I think we need a break, more so for him than me, but even though it’s not like we’ve seen each other, it’s the obligatory good morning and how are you messages throughout the day. So when he spoke about keeping to himself, I knew we were on the same page so I sent him this:

It’s okay. I was going to suggest something like that anyway. I could feel you pulling away especially after I said I was feeling sad last weekend. I don’t want you to feel any pressure, worrying about my feelings when you already have so much on. I want you to know my feelings for you haven’t changed at all. I’m just worried that if we don’t take this break, you’re going to end up caught up in how you think everything is affecting me and you’ll end things completely, and that’s the last thing I want. I want to make it clear, I’m not looking for an “out.” I just want you to be able to feel like yourself again and if that means I don’t get to see or talk to you for a while then thats okay. Put Saturday the 23rd Dec into your calendar for us to meet up if you’re feeling better… I hope you are. What do you think? Xx

The pirate responded with:

Yeah, I think you’re right. I’m sorry about all of this…so sorry. I just don’t know what’s up with me. Thank you for being so understanding…more so than I deserve. Yeah that sounds good to me Xx

I replied:

You don’t need to be sorry, I know you’re a genuinely selfless and caring person. You do deserve it and you’re worth the wait. Take care Pirate 😘❤️

I haven’t cried, nor do I feel the overwhelming sadness one gets when the relationship with the person you love comes to an end, because I really don’t feel like it has. I’m just hopeful this will help him start to feel like himself again. I also feel motivated to work on my own shit. I’ve been working on my book of poems, which is almost finished now. Hopefully it’ll be completely done by Christmas and I can start thinking about publishing. Meanwhile, I’ve been fighting through my writers block and started working on my novel again… chapter 18 🙌🏽 I’m thinking it’ll have 22-24 chapters so not too many to go now and based on the story line I know that’ll be enough.

If I keep myself busy I think I’ll be okay. At least I hope so. I know the people in my life want me to be happy and in love and having a great time with someone special. I know that some even wish I was out there dating someone new, but I’ve never felt this sure about someone before. I know the feelings I have are real and I know that the pirate is someone I can see myself with in the future… believe it or not. If I’m wrong then I’m wrong, but until then I’ll keep the faith 😊

-Love, Autumn x

Awkward AF

I arrived at around 8:45pm confused out of my mind at the place I’d been dropped off to. I’d been there before with the pirate and his mum, but for some reason I’d thought the event was elsewhere. Anyways I called him to make sure it was the right place and saw him walk outside. My heart skipped a beat when I saw him 🙈

When I walked up the path and towards him he was mid conservation so I waited for him to finish before I greeted him and we hugged for ages. I didn’t wanna let go and it felt like he didn’t either. There was a little small talk, but we mostly just stared at each other like neither of us really knew what to say. Awkward #1 Then he said we should go inside. He was searching his pockets for his wallet which he’d left inside, I told him I could just pay for entry but he wasn’t having it so I waited for him to get it. When we got inside he said he’d buy me a drink, but he didn’t have any money. Awkward #2 I didn’t care that he couldn’t buy me a drink, I can afford to buy my own drinks, what made it awkward was him saying it and the look on his face almost like shame and guilt. Truth be told I wasn’t planning on drinking anyway, I’d taken 4 ibuprofen just before leaving the house so alcohol wasn’t on the cards for me either way. He then asked if I wanted water… I actually really did, so I’m not sure why his water offer added to the awkwardness I was already feeling, but moving on.

True to his word the pirate has lots to do during the night so he was either greeting people who had come to see them, working the stall for the merchandise or after the show, packing and cleaning up. I made a little small talk with a couple ladies, Lizzie, the wife of one of the band members and the other I think might be the bassists girlfriend. I was pretty much on my own the entire night. I was feeling a little lonely and wanted to talk to someone so I called my cousin, sister then brother but no one answered, which made me feel sad because it reminded me that I don’t have many friends. I would’ve called Noah but he’s at some rehab retreat in Thailand.

The show was amazing! They were great and the crowd loved them. I always feel so proud when I see him up there on stage singing his heart out. A couple of times I think I caught his eye and he smiled mid song… or maybe I’ve created that fantasy lol.

After the show, Lizzie came over and said I looked lonely sitting by myself. Then she asked me how things were going with the pirate. Awkward #3. I looked over at him, he was standing by the wall and talking to some guy. I told her things were good. I did added that this was the first time I’d seen him in six weeks. Her face said it all, she was wowed by what I had said and told me that’s a really long time. She then asked if I have been really busy at work lately, I think she felt as if work was what was getting in the way, how wrong could she be 😅 after that she asked me if the pirate had asked me to be his girlfriend yet. I said no. Then she asked if we were seeing other people again I said no, so she said oh so you’re exclusive and I said yeah. Then she said- oh so maybe he sees you as a girlfriend but he’s just not saying it, so I said well I don’t like to assume things. Then she said he’s really not that kind of guy you don’t have to worry about that. Shortly after she left, my cousin rang me back and I stepped outside to chat about my night. Then the pirate came out Awkward #4 she quickly caught on that he was there and we’d have to finish the convo later, which we did.

He sat down next to me and things felt super awkward as neither of us were really talking, just exchanging glances. I was freezing and he gave me the jacket I’d just given back to him. I felt like I was in a scene where a break up was about to happen. He suddenly looked really down and was looking at the floor, then he looked at me and asked me- do you think I’m a little bit fucked up? I said no and gave him a hug. While I was hugging him he thanked me for coming.

He brought up the topic of the gig that we were supposed to be going to the next day, the one I didn’t think he was going to go to. I gave him my ticket and told him to give it to someone so it doesn’t go to waste. He looked sad and confused so I said, you’re not going, then he said he was, so I told him he should hold onto it in case he changes his mind and if he’s up for it on the night he can give it back to me when we meet up. He looked really reluctant but eventually took the ticket.

He asked me if I wanted to continue talking in the car where it would be warmer warmer so I said okay and we walked to the car. When we got there we sat in silence pretty much with the same glances every now and again. Several times he engage me in Smalltalk that felt a little forced. I don’t know I just felt a bit lost and sad like we had lost something. He knew I hadn’t had much sleep so he asked me if I want to go back to hotel to sleep and I said yes, knowing that would mean saying goodbye. When he dropped me off I hugged him goodbye and he thanked me again for coming. I said no problem and I left.

He texted me later on today thanking me again for coming and to say sorry. I asked him why he said sorry and he responded- for me being the way I am. The gig thing didn’t happen, turns out he never actually got a purchase confirmation, so he probably never actually bought one and just thought he did. Today has been a long list of apologies for letting me down, and he asked if I’m disappointed in him. Honestly, I’m just a little sad. I miss him so much, more than I thought was humanly possible. I thought seeing him would make me feel better, but somehow I feel worse… I don’t want to miss him anymore 😔

I love him…

-Love, Autumn x

On my way

On my way to see the pirate now… super nervous.

A couple nights ago, he told me he was feeling seriously stressed out about the launch and I was waiting for him to find a skilful way to uninvite me. Especially when he explained that he was worked up about a lot of the stuff he still needed to sort out, including stuff on the night. I was thinking here we go… here it comes

I simply asked- so what are you saying?

He responded that he wasn’t saying anything, he just didn’t want to disappoint me or for me to feel like he’s ignoring me because he’s flitting around sorting stuff out while I’m just sitting there waiting for them to perform, as his mums not there to keep my company this time.

I was floored that I was among the things he was getting stressed about. I told him how important I knew the launch was to him and that that made it important to me too and he didn’t have to worry about me, I’d be fine. He worries too much, it’s really sweet though 😊

Also I decided to spend the night in a hotel, just me. Initially I was gonna get the train home but my mum said I should just get a hotel so I agreed as it was already at the back of my mind. I told the pirate my plans, making sure to assure him I wasn’t expecting him to stay with me. I know he’s gonna wanna crash in his own bed after it’s all over, and relax. He’s been stressing about this for ages.He told me he didn’t mind driving me home, but the thought of him taking the two hour round trip in his state just didn’t sit well with me. As much as I would’ve loved to spend an hour with him in the car. After asking a more times if I was sure, he said okay, then told me to let him know if I change my mind.

Doors open at 7 but his band doesn’t play until around 9:30/10pm so I said I’ll see him there at 9pm. At least that’ll only be 30-60 mins of him worrying about leaving me on my own 😅

He’s such a sweetheart, I miss him soo much and can’t wait to see him 😍 Fingers crossed everything goes okay. That being said I stayed up til 10am doing my hair crashed and woke up to a call from the pirate asking if I was ok and a bunch of worried messages. My lack of sleep/zombie state meant I could barely participate in the phone conversation, let alone remember what was said lol I’ll have to ask him later!

Love, Autumn x