To the man who changed my life

A couple days ago I went for drinks with my cousin Summer and my youngest brother Dusk. We were talking about our love lives aka lack there of and about sexual fantasies and stuff like that. The topic of how I lost my virginity came up. 

I was 18 and it was with my boyfriend, the only one I’ve ever had. It wasn’t a great experience. Yes I was in love, or at least that’s what it felt like at the time. Now I’m older and wiser I can say with certainty that it wasn’t. The reason why it wasn’t a memorable experience was because in the moment that I thought was supposed to be the most intimate of our lives so far, he wasn’t himself. I was looking up at him and I didn’t see the guy I loved, who said he loved me and cared about me. I saw a guy who cared about sex above everything else. I was really overwhelmed by the feelings I was experiencing and began to cry. We stopped and he comforted me a little, but as soon as I stopped crying, he looked sullen and asked me if we were done (having sex). I wanted to cry again, but I held it in and gave him what he wanted even though my heart was no longer in it. I cried all the way home as I walked alone down the street. 

That experience of not feeling the confidence to say no led to a life where I struggled sexpressing myself.

Sexpressing– expressing one’s self sexually. This can involve saying what you want/ don’t want someone to do, what you like/ don’t like, how you like something done, or simply saying you don’t really want to do something with someone.

I had sexual fantasies I was desperate to try out, but I had become so reserved, completely sexually repressed. I couldn’t tell anyone what I liked, what I fantasised about. I couldn’t tell them now desperately I wanted to role play, include characters, costumes, bondage in my sex life. I couldn’t even tell a guy when something felt good- so not to stop, or when it felt bad, so I spent years just lying there and letting guys dictate what we did sexually, which was always pretty much standard sex- them on top or me on top. And it hurt a lot. Physical pain. That feeling when you’re not aroused enough so he’s hitting the wall of your cervix when you’re having sex. I would wince and push gently against the guy’s chest, I wouldn’t actually say I was in pain. How messed up is that? I didn’t really enjoy sex, not the way that I’ve learned to today. I was desperate to really feel something that was missing. I fell for the guys who I slept with and one by one they all fucked me over in their own way.

I ended up developing a complex- I was good enough to sleep with but not to have anything more with. My confidence was completely shot. When I went to uni I closed myself off sexually to guys. It was just me and my vibrator that’s all I could handle. 4 years with no sex. I wanted it and craved it desperately, to feel that close to someone again, but deep down I wanted more, this time I wanted something real. 

I had spent my life having sex with guys who never really cared about me, how I felt, what I wanted, if I was ready… Until Mr X.

How is it that that it took me 7 years to find someone who made sure I was 100% ready and willing to have sex with him. I remember it like it was yesterday, the way he took my hand, looked deeply into my eyes and asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this. I had never been more sure about having sex with someone in my life.


I was still the same sexually repressed, quiet girl who couldn’t say what she wanted. Whilst we were having sex, I was in pain and did my usual- kept silent. He looked at me and asked if I was okay- I nodded and he continued, but when I winced again and gently touched his chest, he looked at my face and as if reading how I felt, he kissed me and eased up not going as deep as before. 

I know it’s not fair to expect someone to read your mind and know how you’re feeling and I never expected that from anyone. I knew I had to somehow find my voice, find who I was sexually, take control of my sexual desire, passion, confidence, but I just didn’t know how to. 

That small act of reading me and adjusting meant so much to me. He learned to read my body and I learned to read his. He shared his insecurities with me allowing me to share my own and his kindness, care and friendship helped me feel sexually comfortable with someone for the first time. I didn’t fight against myself to hold back my moans, but let them out and revelled in his aroused response to it. Slowly, I was able to share my fantasies with him- just talking about them. He wasn’t into role play because of his own self-confidence issues with acting, but he could see the appeal of bondage and we spoke about what it might be like to give it a try.

My heart was so full. I could see how much I had grown. Even Mr X told me he could see I was more confident. I felt so proud of myself. 

When I decided to date other people, because future wise Mr X and I wanted different things (kids), he was really supportive and his kindness didn’t falter. When I found myself able to tell a guy that he was hurting me, my heart swelled, knowing I had just reached a major milestone (dunno if that’s the right word) considering my history of limited sexpression. I was becoming more vocal. I was able to verbally tell another guy I didn’t want to do something, instead of using non-verbal cues such as pushing their hand or body away. Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle telling guys I like that they’re not hitting the right spot or not making me feel good (sexually), because I don’t want them to feel bad, which I know sounds ridiculous because I should consider how I’m feeling sexually rather than their ego. I won’t fake an orgasm though, you’ve got to earn that!

When I think about how far I’ve come, I think about Mr X.

A couple days ago when I was talking about all of the above with my cousin and brother, I told them something I wish I could say to Mr X. 

If I could, without it ruining things between us I’d say…

Mr X, you have no idea how much you’ve changed my life. How much I’ve changed by having you in my life. The effect you’ve had on me. I’ve been sexually repressed for such a long time and being with you has enabled me to come out of my shell in a way I didn’t think was possible. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to be as sexually free and vocal as I have become. I never thought I’d be able to share my sexual fantasies and kinks with someone. Most of all, the thing I never thought possible was to feel this comfortable with someone sexually. I trust you more than I’ve ever trusted a guy before. I’ve felt more confident with my body than I ever imagined could be possible. Your friendship means the world to me, our weird little relationship means the world to me. I hope we can stay in each other’s lives for a very long time, but if we can’t, when the time comes for us to part ways, I want you to know that you changed my life for the better.

Some of the lyrics in this song really speak to me when I think of him and how he’s changed my life.

“For Good”- Wicked The Musical

I’ve heard it said,

That people come into our lives

For a reason

Bringing something we must learn.

And we are led to those

Who help us most to grow if we let them.

And we help them in return.

Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true

But I know I’m who I am today

Because I knew you.

It well may be

That we will never meet again

In this lifetime.

So, let me say before we part:

So much of me

Is made of what I learned from you.

You’ll be with me

Like a handprint on my heart.

And now whatever way our stories end

I know you have rewritten mine

By being my friend.

I do believe I have been changed for the better.

Because I knew you

I have been changed…

For good.

Yes, I’d say a lot to Mr X if I thought our friendship could withstand it. I know it can withstand a lot because I bring enough crazy for the both of us, and we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs, but a declaration like that straight from the heart, so raw, would be like telling him I’m in love with him… Not something he’d be able to look past. We couldn’t be friends if either one of us was in love with the other. It would be too painful to love or be loved by him. So I’ll keep silent until I can’t anymore or until I feel like I have nothing left to lose.

-Love, Autumn x

Autumn’s Texts: Ten Tinder Tools

This will be the first instalment of my Autumn’s texts segment of my blog. This idea has just come to mind as I have really ridiculous conversations with people. This list of tools (dicks, assholes) isn’t in order of who I thought was the worst, it’s just a compilation of Tinderites who have no idea how to talk to women.

Usually I will blur out the faces of the men I talk to, but my phone won’t let me crop and edit photos for some reason… It may have something to do with the water damage and shattered phone screen… Oops! Also, to the men in these convos, if for some miracle you’re reading this- learn to behave and you won’t be featured thanks for the content though ๐Ÿ˜˜

1. The confident one

2. The joker

3. The one who didn’t deserve a reply…

4. The guy with the great opener ๐Ÿ˜‘

5. Oh look! Another joker ๐Ÿ˜‘

6. The asshole otherwise known as the hot one 

7. The hot one tries really hard doesn’t he?

8. Oh look another request for sex from the hot one.

9. After the hot one cussed me out and then tried to make amends ๐Ÿ˜‚ I seriously entertained his bullshit for way too long

10. Soo.. Maybe I was the “tool” in this one. This convo is with Mario. I was trying to let him down easy as he kept asking for a second date and I didn’t want to come and and just say-  look I don’t feel an attraction to you and I don’t want to see you again. So I thought it would be better saying I met someone, as it had been over a month since we last spoke…Well, I got caught out in that lie…awks ๐Ÿ˜ฌ

Lol this is why I have a love/hate relationship with Tinder! You can find a handful of nice guys if you’re lucky- Mr X is proof of that, but there’s a lot of shit you have to wade through. Ahh Tinder, I feel we will forever have a love/hate relationship.

– Love, Autumn x

How did I end up here?

How the hell did I end up here?

Sitting at a table, next to the Magician, drinking a rum and coke. 

Let’s rewind time a little. 

I’m at work, sitting in the office and I get this message from the Magician. 

For some reason the Facebook chat message opens straight away and I’m like for fuck sake now it looks like I scrambled to quickly open his message. That’s all I need- him thinking I’ve been pining over him! I mean I have and I’ve been stalking his profile like a crazy woman, but he doesn’t need to know that… Do I regret my actions- no, am I embarrassed or ashamed by them- nope! I feel like I could’ve done worse. It’s not like I called him from a blocked number and hung up; high school style lol

You may be wondering how he could poasibly have the balls to send  that message after all this time. Well after the last message I sent him that he didn’t respond to, I sent this Matthew Hussey inspired message:

He took days to respond.. No surprise there.

We talked for a little bit, with him responding almost immediately to my messages… All of a sudden ๐Ÿ˜…  Then I ended the conversation by telling him I had to go but it was nice talking to him. That was about 10 days ago. 10 days of radio silence. So when I read the message he sent today, in my eyes it meant one thing- he wants sex! I was really annoyed by how good it felt to hear from him, but I knew I couldn’t have sex with him. I’d lose so much respect for myself.

I sat back in my chair, sighed and said to myself while looking at my computer screen of the little thumbnail profile picture of Mr X in the corner, amongst my other Facebook messenger contacts- why is it that you’re the only guy who treats me with such respect, who treats me the way I now know (because of you), I can be treated. It made me sad to think that the guy I’ll never end up with seems to be the guy who treats me with the most respect.

I’m so sick of being treated like shit by guys who know nothing about me. Guys who, without being vain or self absorbed, are beneath me. I used to think if I lowered my standards I’d find a guy who’d treat me like a queen, but nope! Honestly, I think Jay Z went and fucked that up for everyone by cheating on Beyoncรฉ. Now any average Joe thinks they’re invincible and can do what they want… Fuckers!

I just wanna be loved so deeply by someone that when they look at me they see their whole world- the past shit they had to go through to meet me, how great things are presently going and the amazingly bright future we could have together.

I mean, don’t piss me off surely that’s not too much to ask for! 

With the hundreds and thousands of single men out there. Surely there are a few, non-fuckboy inclined men that are available…. There are you say? ๐Ÿ™Š Really? Honestly? Then where the hell are they?? Hiding? Sigh

I may have gone off track there just a little bit.

So after the Magician sent me the message inviting me over to watch RuPauls Drag Race, I sent another Matthew Hussey inspired message:

I had no plans, I just didn’t want to jump at his request, when it was blatantly an invitation for sex. He responded pretty quickly and this convo followed…

I felt really proud of my response and of the way I handled myself in general.
I was at home watching love island when the Magician messaged me to tell me he was still at work. Mind you it was like 8:45pm.

Next thing I know I’m on the train to see the fucker. All the while, in my head, as if reciting a positive affirmation, I’m telling myself not to sleep with him.

  1. Don’t go back to his place
  2. Don’t have sex with him

I thought If I can stick to the first one, there was no way I’m going to end up sleeping with him. Stay strong ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿพ and stay woke ๐Ÿ‘€

He gives me a kiss on the cheek as a greeting and we decide to go somewhere close by. After a bit of small talk we reach a bar and go inside. Now, I’m in a difficult mood upon seeing him. He asks me what I want to drink and I say water. He laughs and says- but we’re in a bar, so I say- okay make it a sparkling water then. He shakes his head and says he’s getting me a vodka and Sprite and when I say I’m allergic to vodka he gets me a rum and coke. He leans over the table gives me a soft peck on the lips and goes over to the bar. I use this time to gather my thoughts.

Shit! Something is stirring inside of me that wants to get naked with him! Luckily the rational part of me is still running the operation.

When he comes back it goes a little silent. I take a sip of my drink and say- I’m mad at you by the way. He sighs, puts an arm around me, pulls me into his arms, kisses my temple and says- I know, I’m sorry. He then goes into all the reasons why he hasn’t been around- working long hours at work because he needs the extra money, going home to Kent most weekends for family events. He had his reasons but all I could hear was blah blah blah I don’t have time for you blah blah lol๐Ÿ˜‚

#needy or #completelyrational ????

After he finishes I say- okay… You’re still in my bad books though and he laughs and whispers into my ear- would it help if I bent you over and ate your pussy from behind? I frown, push him away and say- no it would not! He laughs again, apologises and pulls me back into his arms then kisses me… A peck, then another, then deeply, passionately, until I forget I’m mad at him and I’m tugging on his hair. Damn he’s a good kisser!

When we finally come up for air and I slap away his wandering hand, I tell him straight up, that I’m not having sex with him. He asks me why and I tell himwe haven’t exactly seen or spoken to each other in a while. He adds- is it because we haven’t done any datey stuff and I say yes. He says he understands. I also remind him that we haven’t even done any of the things he said we’d do. He asked if I was referring to the ping pong and when I said yes, he said we could go the Friday after next… let’s see if that actually happens.

It’s getting late and we’re both tired. The magician invites me back to his to cuddle and watch RuPaul’s drag race. I roll my eyes and say- just cuddle? Yeah right! And he says yeah- after I have a wank. Me being me, I ask if I can watch. At first he looks shocked and says- really? I say yeah and he says okay. Then his face changes, he grins and says I could watch you get off too. I reminded that this wasn’t about him and that we were only doing what I wanted to do. He said okay and we left for his place.

Anyone watching us together would think we’re in a relationship. The magician treats me like I’m his girlfriend, the way he holds my hand, is constantly cuddling and kissing me, and it’s not just because he’s kissing me, it’s where. When he kisses me on the lips and its passionate I love it and it really turns me on, but when he pulls me close and plants one on my forehead, temple or hair…. It does something to me I can’t explain. It just feels so much more intimate. 

On the walk to the train station I finally have the tinder talk with the magician-the what are you on Tinder for? talk. He says he’s not actively looking for his wife or anything like that as he’s not thinking about marriage right now, but he’s looking to meet fun people and see where it goes. He went on to say that although he’s not looking for a quick lay if he was offered it he wouldn’t neccesarily turn it downโ€ฆ Typical guys right? Anyways then he asks me. I tell him I’m looking for my husband and his shocked/ confused face makes me want to laugh but I somehow manage to keep a straight face. He asks me why would I look on Tinder for my husband and I tell him that 55% of people on Tinder get married to their matches. He says really are you serious? and I say yes there are studies about it and statistics that say that is true. He studies my face and says really? and I say no finally laughing and I tell him I was just chatting shit. He laughs and says 0h, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. I told him that I’m looking to go on fun and interesting dates with guys and see where it goes, but that I’m not looking for a quick lay at all! Even if I was I wouldn’t tell him that because then he would probably think he could put in even less effort and be one of those quick lays. Oh no magician you’ve got work to do!

We’re  on the train and he’s exhausted so I let him take the one available seat and I stand in between his legs and run my hands through his hair. He rests his head on me… His face ends up slotting neatly between my boobs and he mutters he could stay like this forever. I love PDA with him, but when he starts feeling up my leg I swat his hand away and take the seat next to him as soon as its vacated. We make out on the train a little and then I make him laugh with stories about how I bad I am with things like spiders and mice and how difficult it will be when I move into my own place in a couple months.

We’re at the magician’s place and he apologises for the mess then gets straight down to business. We make out and before I know it my shirt is unbuttoned. I’m like  wtf how did that happen… Shit it’s the magician at work again… Gotta be careful around him… Gotta stay woke!!

I gently push him away and he takes out his dick and starts jerking off. I position the pillows and sit back on the bed ready to enjoy the show. It’s kind of awkward just watching him, but the freak in me is getting turned on by this little show he’s putting on just for me. Soon he takes my hand and puts it on his dick and I find myself giving him a hand job while the magician is kissing my lips, my neck… Once again I’m swept up in his magic.  When I come to my senses I gently push him away again, climb off the bed and say fuuuck!

He asks to come in my mouth and I turn and glare at him and say no. Then he goes well can I at least come on your tits (as if it’s the least I could do ๐Ÿ˜…) I sighed heavily and said fineeeee! I took off my bra and lay down and warned him that he better not come on my face because his dick was pointed suspiciously high. He came on my tits and looked extremely satisfied by the whole thing.

Can someone please explain to me why guys want to cum on my tits ๐Ÿ˜‚ first Mr X makes the request and now the magician. I mean, I’m not against it or turning my nose down at the act, I’m just trying to understand what they get out of it lol Maybe it’s a power/ dominance thing ๐Ÿค”

After that he kissed me a few more times and we cuddled up to watch a British show called- Big School, which is hilarious! I left around 12 and went home. I really do love spending time with him, it’s just a shame that time is not something he seems to have a lot of.

As much as I wanted to sleep with him in the moment, I’m glad I didn’t! Honestly, he’s still in my bad books a little and I won’t have sex with him until I think he’s shown he deserves a slice of Autumn pie.

I do think I should stop raising a glass and saying goodbye to the Magician until I’m 100% sure he’s out of my life ๐Ÿ˜… until then lets wait and see what happens next.

-Love, Autumn x


Girls need affection

Guys need sex

When a guy knows heโ€™s not getting it

The warning bells scream nextโ€ฆ

Girls think of the future

Guys hold onto โ€œnowโ€

I think the future scares them

So that โ€œtalkโ€ they wonโ€™t allow

Girls are more โ€œemotionalโ€

They express how they feel

Guys are more conserved

With you they canโ€™t be real

When girls say that they love you

They mean just what they say

When a guy says he loves you

Itโ€™s just to make you stay

To girls sex= feelings

For guys no, not so much

For them it could be casual

Just want a girl to touch

Girls hold on to exโ€™s

It seems they canโ€™t let go

Guys have called it logic

To move on with the flow

Girls are hurt by one guy

Then think theyโ€™re all the same

But guys, they often prove this

New guy, same hurtful game

In breakups loss is different

Both can feel upset and vex

Girls โ€˜cause their hearts are broken

Guys because thereโ€™s no more sex

Sex versus affectionโ€‹

The battle of the sexes

But both need each other

To reach lifeโ€™s great apexes

So letโ€™s agree on one thing

The word โ€œneedโ€ is overused

Thereโ€™s sex and thereโ€™s affection

I wonder what each sex will chooseโ€ฆ

This is a poem I wrote when I was 19 years old and it’s sad to think that at 26, I feel the same way about certain aspects of it. I know not all guys are the same but as the line goes- “guys they often prove this, new guy same hurtful game.”

As for my current dating life, things have definitely quietened down. I’ve just come back from a girls holiday in Malaga which was amazing! Soo much fun. I’ve signed up to a gym and am mentally psyching myself up to go and to start eating healthily… I ate a chocolate bar last night so it’s going well 

Mr X and I had a little difference of opinions while discussing a racial topic last night and the conversation ended with him saying he’s going to bed, which I didn’t like. We were having such a nice chat about the music festival I’m going to with my cousins and sister too…

Oh please! He would’ve been shitting himself ๐Ÿ™„ 

Everything feels like it’s on his terms, if he wants to meet my fam it’s okay but trust me if I brought it up I’d get- We should remember what this is… This can’t go anywhere… I don’t want to hurt your feelings. 

He’s a mind fuck!

๐Ÿ™„ I may love talking to you, spending time with you and of course your dick, but for right now, in this moment, Mr X, you can fuck off!

-Love, Autumn x 

My weekend with Mr X

Pinning Mr X down for a weekend is difficult in fact, I think this is the second weekend sleepover we’ve had since we’ve known each other (18 months). I had plans to finally use some of my purchases from my go-to sex shop ๐Ÿ˜

I’ve always wanted to do the whole bondage thing- I tie him up, he ties me up, giving and ceasing all control. I’ve just never been comfortable enough with anyone to suggest it let alone try it. I asked Mr X if he’s ever done anything like that and he said he hadn’t, but he’d let me do it as long as I didn’t make him act out a role ๐Ÿ˜‚ He already knew where I was going with the convo. He knows I’m a little kinky and I think he enjoys it even though it doesn’t really seem to be his thing.

So I bought the bed restraints and packed them into my overnight bag, along with lube, alcohol and the chocolate cupcakes I made for dessert. Mr X had done his usual and asked me what I wanted for dinner days before I was coming to his.

I had a full body wax appointment booked on Saturday morning and therefore doubted that I’d be able to arrive on time at 1:30pm. I’m going to Spain with my sister in a few days and cousins Sunset and Summer so there was no way I was going to miss the appointment. I offerred to get a cab to his from the station as it would save him having to drive home after work then back to pick me and he offerred to pay for it being the gent that he is.

The driver took me to the wrong place ๐Ÿ˜‘ then accused me of giving him the wrong street name. So say I told him 16 Dermot Lane, he took me to Garrison Grove! They don’t even sound alike. I told him I’m not from the area and therefore how could I have given him the name of a street I didn’t even know existed ๐Ÿ˜‘๐Ÿ˜‘ He was beginning to irritate me as many cab drivers do when they get lost despite having a sat nav which is telling them which way to go. Follow the damn directions or turn it off!

Got to Mr X’s house and he came to the door shirtless… Mmm yes please ๐Ÿ˜ He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and I put my bag down and followed him into the living room. I was an episode behind on Love Island and told him I had a great show for him to watch and he rolled his eyes when I put it on. He began talking about how vain the people in the house are. Shut up! Then he tried to annoy me by saying he’s surprised that an intelligent person like me would watch this. I could see him smiling out of the corner of my eye waiting for me to react, but I didn’t give him the satisfaction lol

After Love Island, he said he was hungry then went to start dinner, it was pretty early still maybe 4:30/5pm. I hadn’t actually eaten yet so I didn’t mind eating early. He shook his head and told me I don’t seem to eat unless I’m at his place ๐Ÿ˜… which is so not true. 

Can you imagine if it was? I’d be dead as I go to his house maybe once a month.

While he was cooking I helped by cutting some lettuce and watching him. When he put the corn on the cob in the microwave, I stopped him and asked what the hell he was doing lol I’d never seen anyone cook it in that way before. He said his sister made it like this and it came out nice. Then he said he’s never really made it before and told his mum that I wanted it and he was making it for me and asked how to cook it and she agreed and said doing it in the microwave was fine. 

Sometimes I wonder what his parents think of what we’re doing. He seems to bring me up to them so naturally in conversation, it’s like when his dad calls and I hear him casually say yeah I’m here with Autumn, like he’s mentioned me enough to just drop my name. Keep talking about me boo, you know I like the attention ๐Ÿ˜‚ 

Mr X asked if I wanted to sit at the table or eat on trays in front of the telly, I said I didn’t mind and he opted for the table. The food was great, it always is. We talked about random shit while eating. When I sit down at the table across from him, with food in front of me I feel a little awkward and start thinking about the balance of conversing and eating. It’s the only time I feel even the slightest bit of awkwardness with him. I think it’s the whole idea of eating dinner sitting across from one person that I find awkward, not specifically eating with him.

We were eating the kind of food I think the average person would avoid eating on a date- ribs and corn are so messy! Corn always squirts everywhere and ribs well… I was using my hands to eat them. Isn’t that the normal way? You take a rib on your hands and bite off the meat. As I’m eating I look over and Mr X who is skillfully taking the meat off the ribs with his knife and fork ๐Ÿ˜‚ 

First of all… Show off! I stand by what I said about how using your hands is the normal way to eat them cos I know if I wasn’t there he’d be nyamming them down using his hands! Secondly- I could’ve easily followed suit and started eating like him but I felt like I had already started and also I didn’t give a fuck ๐Ÿ˜‚ At one point he looked over at me and asked if I wanted a tissue. I said yes please and continued tucking in. Not too soon after sitting down, he asked if I wanted a drink then got up and got me one. He’s so attentive! 

Whoever ends up with him is going to be one lucky bitch! P.S. I hate you whoever you are ๐Ÿ˜‡

We had sex that started on the couch and ended up in his bed. It was nice, familiar, easy, desperate and passionate. After we finished we headed back downstairs and we scrolled through Netflix comparing what each of us had watched. My account is logged into on his Xbox and TV so he uses it from time to time. I don’t mind, I actually told him he could, 3 of my 4 siblings are too lol.

After that he convinced me to watch old movie ‘Blade.’ A few minutes in, he said he was hungry and went to get some of the cupcakes I made. He came back in the room with two small plates, one cupcake on each. They tasted really good and I was impressed as it was the first time using that particular recipe. He really enjoyed it and kept commenting on how good it tasted, he then went for another, offerred me one, but one was enough for me.

We didn’t make it through the movie, for some reason we were both really exhausted. I had planned to take a bath before bed, one which I know he would’ve joined me in, but I was too tired. I had set up the bed restraints but all I wanted to do was sleep. We got into bed together and cuddling led to a spark of energy which led to some more sex, then shortly after we both passed out. Me with his arms wrapped around me.

In the morning we watched breakfast TV and talked  for a while. He asked me if I wanted to take a shower and turned it on for me. I got in and shortly after he returned got naked and joined me, but simply sat in the tub watching me. I was using one of those mesh shower poufs and and my nipple ring got caught in it, which hurt badly. We both tried to unraveling it to no avail and then he got some nail clippers and cut it freeing me.

He kissed me and I could see where it was heading- shower sex!! ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿพ Sigh I would love to say it was was steamy as the scenes in a movie, but it was not. We looked a mess, trying to figure out how to position ourselves so we could actually complete the deed. Lol it was a disaster! He bent me over and got my hair wet!!! Now you might be thinking- so what? You can just dry it. I’m black and I had just achieved the greatest braid out I have ever done it my life and in a matter of seconds it was ruined. He stepped back, his face apologetic as droplets of green dye hit the tub but I quickly shook it off and kissed him again. He commented on the dye wanted to know why it was coming out so I briefly explained semi-permenant dye to him. 

In the end we gave up and did other things instead. Other naughty, sexually gratifying things. I got mineeee ๐Ÿ˜ I stepped out of the shower and told him I needed something to dry my hair with and stained up his towel. There was a kind of justice to it. When I handed him the towel covered in green dye he didn’t batter an eyelid, just said he’ll put it in the wash and hopefully at least some would come out.

While he was tending to the washing,  I dried off, put my bra back on and lay down on his bed watching TV. He came back and gave me a time check- letting me know I had about an hour left at his. He was doing it to try to annoy me but I didn’t take the bait. He joined me in bed and we cuddled a little. I tried to kiss him but he kept kissing me on the cheek, forehead or giving me pecks on the lips. I moaned playfully and kept saying “kiss meeee,” and he would say “I just did!” To which I’d say in the most whiney voice “nooooo properly!!!” 

This carried on for a while until  I bit him! And not in a playful cute little way, in a I’m going to hurt to until I get what I want. He laughed and bit my finger in response, until I let go. Then I bit him even harder leaving a huge red mark. This led to someplay fighting which ended up with me on my back with my hands pinned. When he let go he laughed and said I have a hidden vicious side to me. All I was thinking is- I’m glad you know!

After complaining about his half dead kisses some more he finally kissed me properly, which led to sex, which we both knew was my original aim. Mr X was merely playing hard to get. After sex we both got dressed and ready to leave. I realised I didn’t have any socks and he told me to take a pair from his drawer then laughed and said it was so typical that I had taken one of the expensive ones. I had no idea, socks are socks to me.

We chatted on the way to the station. He teased me by pointing out the beer garden he knew I wanted to go to. He thinks he’s funny but watch this space, we will be going to that beer garden ๐Ÿ˜Œ

-Love, Autumn x

A second goodbye to the Magician!!

The Magician ruined his chance to redeem himself by flaking on our date on Thursday. I’m not an idiot so I didn’t want to turn up until I was sure he’d be there, and I wasnt at all, not after he read and ignored my last message! ๐Ÿ˜ 


It hit 7:30pm then 8pm and I was like- okay fuck him! I gave him the rest of the night and the whole of Friday to apologise, but nothinggg and then I realised I was being stupid.

He’s gone Autumn!! 

Not sure why he crawled back before, maybe it’s all a game to him, maybe he’s got his own issues I know nothing about. Whatever his excuse, it’s all good. I’m ready to move on to potentials who actually respond to my messages, who actually want to spend time with me.

Cheers to the magician- an undercover fuckboy! ๐Ÿป *clink*

And the lesson I learned- fuckboys are everywhere. They come in different shapes and sizes. Some are open about their fuckboy ways, some are sly about their fuckboy ways and some *cough cough magician cough* are so fucked they go around with all their fuckeries, looking confused when someone gets annoyed/upset because they have no idea they’re fuckboys ๐Ÿ˜‚ orrrrr they do know and they’re just really good Oscar worthy actors who specialise in fuckboyism and hold PHDs in fuckboyology.

Ahh the world of fuckboys has way more  to it than we could even imagine! 

Okay moving on from the load of shit I just spewed above. The fact is I don’t expect to hear from him again and I’m actually okay with it now. Before,  I think I was fooling myself, but now… Bitch bye๐Ÿ‘‹๐Ÿพ

-Love, Autumn x

The Honeymoon from hell (with Mr X)

Dreaming with Autumn ๐Ÿ’ค

I had just gotten married to Mr X and I was the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. It was crazy how much happiness I could feel and it was merely a dream. My eyes shone as I looked into his, eyes that didn’t want to look away, a beaming smile and a heart that swelled with pride and happiness that we were finally wed.

We are in some kind of safari-like car, a small jeep and driving towards these cabins near a lake. My little brother’s new kitten is with us and being uncharacteristically calm, walking slowly over our laps and looking at the scenery as we drive on. As we’re getting closer to our cabin, Mr X turns to me and says there’s no water in our cabin and we’ll have to draw it from the pipe outside.” I look at him, searching his eyes simply not believing he’s being serious- he is. I’m in love and deliriously happy so I shrug and say “is okay we’ll manage.” Strike 1

Strike 2 comes very quickly after we enter and I look around our run down cabin. No one would want to spend their honeymoon here! To make matters worse strike 3- a huge rat bigger than the kitten scurries towards me. Of course I scream and run, almost tripping over. I run towards the jeep and climb back in and tell Mr X I can’t stay here. I plead with him to understand that I won’t be comfortable in this place even for a night. He thinks we should stay and make the most of it- I simply can’t.

The next images are of me on the plane home- alone. Then I’m back in England sitting on my couch and I get a text from him saying he can’t believe I left and wouldn’t stay with him. He’s not leaving as that’s over a grand he doesn’t want to simply throw away. I was really childish and he can’t believe my behaviour. Is this really how we’re going to spend our lives together?…

It was a rant of a text that broke my heart, tears were streaming down my face and he mentioned an annulment as we were yet to consummate the marriage.
As strong as the feelings of happiness were, the feelings of loss and heartbreak were stronger. The pain shot through me and my body ached. The dream was vivid, I could everything.

I tend to have lucid dreams sometimes in which I can control what happens, I don’t tend to create the initial narrative of my dreams as I like to follow what carefully crafted scene is created by my subconscious, however, if something happens that I don’t want to e.g Mr X leaves me at the altar, I can rewind it to just before, and make it so he says amazing heart wrenching vows and marries me lol (first example that came to mind). I manipulate the course of my dreams by rewinding time and replaying sequences of events.

The relevance of this is…

I was aware I was dreaming- I rewinded time to before I left and stayed one night in the cabin with Mr X. I was filled with fear and couldn’t sleep a wink and cried throughout the night. Teardrops hitting on his arms that were wrapped around me, until he sat up, held me and arms length and stared into my teary eyes and apologised. He then hugged me and I thought I’d feel relief from the heartache caused by receiving the text in the other version of the dream, but those feelings lingered even as I woke.

I couldn’t help but wonder why. Was it a sign that if ever married Mr X it would only lead to heartache, no matter how hard we both tried, or how much we might love each other and want to be together? 

Even though I don’t see a future for us outside our friendship, if I amuse myself and try to picture us in love to the point where he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, I can’t lie… my heart warms.

-Love, Autumn x

My first 1 night stand…almost

It’s been a little while since I’ve posted and it’s largely due to the fact that I can be a real lazy shit lol

I went to Derby for the weekend for my cousin Nevaeh’s birthday. There we are sitting on the couch watching love island and pre drinking and I suddenly turn to her and say omg we should both pull guys tonight and have 1 night stands, her response was something along the lines of hell yeah. 

Some say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone… ๐Ÿ˜‚ I don’t actually believe this, but I was using it as rationale for seeking the thrill of the 1 night stand.

We got dressed and headed to the friary for pop night. I loveee cheese!! They didn’t disappoint with classic 90s/2000s hits, commercial tracks and some Disney!! Everyone loves Disney, you can’t not like it! Even the guys were singing passionately along with the words. 

No one can scope out a room like my cousin Nevaeh. She told me that when a song plays that tells you to get low she takes the opportunity to scan the room for “potentials.” Derby is full of cute guys but unfortunately the majority of them were in their early 20s!! I’m talking 20,21,22, in fact some were 18/19. 


The night was a bust! I’m not saying we didn’t have a good time because we did. We always have a good time when we go out- that’s standard! Nevaeh spied a cute guy when we were sitting in the smoking area and she made me call one of his friends to get his attention. I grabbed the guy by his back pocket just to get his attention so I could ask him to call his mate as he was blocking our view of him. The guy was a real bitch about it and pulled away from me kind of aggressively as if rejecting my advances. I rolled my eyes! He wasn’t even good looking! How dare he? ๐Ÿ˜‚ of course Nevaeh found this hilarious.

Towards the end of the night, she had her eyes on a guy who was very punk-rock-ish in the way he dresses and carried himself. He was cute no doubt, with his platinum blonde hair sticking up deliberately and his many piercings (not too many). She noticed him and expressed her interest first so I watched as she tried to get closer to him. There was a bit of an exchange between them in the club- a bit of banter. 

We left at the same time they did and when we saw him outside he was no longer with his mates. Her being the confident person she is, walked straight up to him and asked if he was single. He was, and then she said she thought he was attractive. He wore a confused look on his face and when she asked what was wrong he said he was confused because “black girls don’t like white boys”

That was the point where I kind of checked out of the conversation, while trying to politely ignore the advances of his tall and chubby friend who was saying things like “we should be friends” and “we should hang out some time.” Thankfully Punk Rock guy dragged me into the conversation by asking if I thought he was attractive too. I shrugged and said he was alright. He then said “it’s strange, mix-raced girls like you-” I cut him off and told him I wasn’t mixed race and that I was black. Can you believe this guy kept arguing that I was? It was like he was trying to convince me that in my 26 years of life I had it wrong about what race I am lol.

My cousin told him there are different shades of black and he finally shut up about it. He then said I was really cute asked for my number. I was thinking is he crazy? I declined and said how can I when my cousin has been trying to talk to you this whole time. Me and Nevaeh left his fuckboy antics behind and headed back to her house. On the way I saw a guy who I thought was attractive. She went over to him, he was with a friend and while I chatted with Mr LD she chatted to his friend.

Mr LD was somewhere in between attractive and average, but at the end of the night it was slim pickings and he looked pretty damn tasty! We started talking and before you know it he’s got an arm around me, we’re laughing and making out…

You don’t waste time do you Autumn?

After a longgg make out session on a street bench, they both come back with us to Nevaeh’s house. Being the great hostess that she is, she gave me her bed and a condom and we went upstairs to have sex.

We made out, he went down on me, which felt nice, but it wasn’t hot at all. I told him off because he was being too rough with my pierced nipples even after I told him he was hurting me. I got annoyed and said “you see these, don’t touch them, they’re off limits to you now!” ๐Ÿ˜‚ He couldn’t even use his fingers properly, using them in a twisting motion  that no guy has ever done before (in my experience)… I banned him from using his fingers too as he had made me dry up like the Sahara desert and he was just hurting me at that point.

Honestly I was proud of how vocal I was being about what I liked and didn’t like as that’s something that’s always been difficult for me.

Let’s move on to the sex… 

Haha what sex?

Mr LD… Limp Dick

Now, I get that under the influence of alcohol some men find it difficult to rise to the occassion and I was absolutely fine when he told me “I have to be honest with you, I’ve had a lot to drink tonight and I’m not gonna be able to fuck you the way I want to until the morning.” I kissed him and said okay then rolled over and let him spoon me. Minutes later he’s feeling me up again and saying that he just can’t resist me. So I’m thinking okay great he’s ready to go now… Ahh how wrong could I be.

I give him a HJ and he starts getting hard and I’m like yesssss! He’s a grower not a shower. I watched as his dick grew to a more reasonable size, I mean it was still fairly small I’d say 4 inches or so. Size doesn’t always matter as long as you know what to do with it (to a certain extent), but Mr LD definitely didn’t. He put a condom on and went soft again, it was like watching a balloon deflate or something. The incing on the cake was that he started to move as if he was fucking me. I lay there underneath him like what the fuck is he doing, does he know he’s just rubbing himself against me. I honestly felt bad for him so I let him do his thing for a little while before he apologised and repeated that he wasn’t able to fuck me “the way he wanted to.” All I was thinking was- what do you mean “the way you want to” you can’t fuck me at all! 

Nevaeh, thinking we had finished a few rounds of sex, said it was time to switch and went upstairs with the friend while me and LD took to the very tiny couch. He complained about how small it was and tried to get me to go back to his place where he had a bed, but I said no. I wasn’t feeling it anymore shoot… There was no way I was going all the way to his for more disappointment. After feeling me up again and trying to have sex with me without a condom- to which I strongly said no to, he asked for a handjob.  He didn’t deserve anything from me after his poor performance in the bedroom, but he earned a B for effort and preserverance so I obliged. He came all over my night clothes and some shot onto the couch as well. Sorry Nevaeh!

We didn’t really get much sleep, if any. At about 6:30 am, Nevaeh and her guy came downstairs and we all sat and chatted and played some Black Ops on her X Box. I made out with LD some more, it seemed that the only thing he could right was kiss me. 

The boys left and me and Nevaeh sat together to share stories. The look on her face when I told her we hadn’t managed to have sex, was priceless! We laughed about it, got into bed and fell asleep. The next night we did one of those escape rooms where you have to solve clues in order to unlock the door. It was Saw themed and so much fun! We went into Nottingham to party and although there were no potentials and I found the nightlife a little underwhelming, we had a great time.

While in Derby, I found out that the magician hadn’t actually been ghosting me, he’d just been really busy and still is. I’m supposed to be seeing him tomorrow, but I’ve decided that no matter what happens I’m not going to sleep with him. Yes I want to see him, but he hasn’t put in enough effort these past weeks to deserve sex with me. Anyway I’m spending the weekend with Mr X so either way I’m getting laid soon! ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿพ

Until then let’s all send out a prayer for Mr LD May your dick work the next time you try to have sex with someone! Many blessings to you!!!!

-Love, Autumn x

Goodbye to the Magician

Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do, I end up in the same place. 

Whether or not I wait to sleep with a guy or sleep with him on the first date, it doesn’t matter… It always ends the same.

I wonder if it’s the guys I choose or if it’s me. The magician seemed like a really nice guy and we had some serious banter. Chilling with him felt soo easy. From the start he’s always been bad at responding to messages, I would usually have to wait until the next day for a reply even if I messaged back straight away. 

Andddd… The thing is he’d come online afterwards and still not reply- whatsapp and Facebook messenger! Oh how he lovesss Facebook messenger.

I don’t get guys like that, just send a quick reply even if it’s just to say you’re busy right now and will talk later. Is that too much to ask for? Evidently!! Better yet admit you’re not feeling it anymore.

I’m not really a “just take the hint” kind of girl, I like things spelled it for me to avoid any misunderstandings. However, in these cases with guys who appear to be ignoring you, it’s easier to just accept that whatever you had is now over.

You know when you can just sense it by the way the guy is messaging you? Here’s the last few messages sent back and forth between us.

Sooo… After he replied- “nah fuck that.” I decided not to respond. I mean, what kind of response does that even deserve? It was a very low investment message and I felt it was beneath me to reply. Then later he double texted. It’s nice beeing on the receiving end for once, especially since I actually like the magician.

The rate at which he responded to my messages was the quickest it’s ever been, but then he didn’t reply to the last thing I said. I do wonder if maybe it freaked him out, but I feel like I served him a slice of quality banter and I got nothing in return.

I checked the time and thought it was likely he fell asleep, but here we are 3 days later and still no reply. There’s a part of me that has accepted I’ll probably never see or hear from him again and therefore I should just drop it. The other half is saddened and disappointed and not because we slept together, but because I felt so relaxed around him so quickly and I’ve never felt that way before… 
At the end of the day I stand by my decisions. If I could do it again, I’d still go home with him on the first date, I’d still have sex with him. It was the best date I’ve ever been on and I know I’ll remember it forever.

So let’s raise a glass to the magician

-A great kisser

-Very satisfying lover

-My first 2 night stand ๐Ÿ˜… (he should’ve left it at 1)

-Loud ass snorer (I actually bought some ear plugs for next time ๐Ÿ™ˆ)

May you find what you’re looking for…

As for me, I’ll be spending this weekend in Derby/ Nottingham partying my ass off and kissing cute guys in clubs until no longer remember who the magician is. Healthy right?  

-Love, Autumn x

Hi my name is…. Sex please?

Everyone who’s been on Tinder has had at least one conversation with a guy where he tries to get sexual before you’ve even met. Now this could be in a number of ways:

1) Easing sex into the conversation

You’ve been talking for a little while, a couple of days, a week, but you still haven’t met up. Your chat hasn’t been continuous it’s been off and on. You’re barely getting to know each other, scratching the surface then… He asks for your number, or better yet, your snapchat. At this point, you may simply say no to the number as you don’t want any random Tinderite possessing it, as for snapchat it may be a way to check out if the guy is who he says he is, so maybe you agree to it. I did not. I wanted to see what his intentions were first. I like a dick pic as much as the next guy, but not from a total stranger… Or maybe I just don’t like dick pics that I don’t find attractive lol 

Side note: Me and my childhood friend Addie used to get drunk, go out and tell guys to “show us your willys.” The first time we did it we were just messing around. We had no idea guys would actually do it. That being said, the guys were drunk too. We’d look at it and applaud and that was that. They didn’t expect anything more, which is good because we certainly weren’t doing anything but looking. We did this on chat roulette too, but sober. We thought, no sober guy is gonna whip out his dick and show two girls he’s never met before… Low and behold the number of dicks we saw that night.

Okay well that little side note clears something up. I like looking at dicks ๐Ÿ™ˆ I think they’re cool and some are super attractive. Others I wish I had never seen… Oh my God am I a penis snob? 

Let’s move on…

2) Masking sex talk through humour

For me this might be the worst one. If you’re gonna be that guy the one who brings up sex and says inappropriate things then can you at least just own it? When I call you out on it don’t say you were joking. In fact don’t add an lol or haha to what you’re saying either. We both know if I said yes to your proposal or continued with the dirty talk, you wouldn’t have admitted it was a joke.

3) Straight up says he wants to dick you (“Dick you” ๐Ÿ˜‚ this was autocorrect as I meant “fuck you,” but I liked the sound of it)

We all know how this goes… Sometimes the guy has the decency to say “hello”and if we’re really lucky “how’s it going?” before he says some version of the following:

Pictures are compliments of the hot one.

I really shouldn’t entertain him like this lol

4) The classic dick pic 

This is for the guy you’ve actually added to whatsapp for whatever reason. Maybe he’s shown he’s got some good guy qualities, maybe you’re about to delete tinder for the millionth time so you give out your number to a few potentials beforehand. Whatever the reason he’s on whatsapp which means he can send you pictures now.

Why do guys think it’s appropriate to send dick pics to women they barely know? Do they think their dicks are that magnificent that upon seeing it we’ll think damn I’ve got to try that dick! Noo… We’re more likey to think something along the lines of sigh why did he have to ruin it?

*sorry guys I’ve got no dick pics to share with you, my sincerest apologises*

-Love, Autumn x