Lost and exposed

I feel a little lost and exposed.

Island boy found my blog and read the posts about him. He complimented my writing and said it was an accurate depiction of what has happened between us and we even had a little laugh about that first awkward kiss and how he said “thanks.”

He said he regrets looking though and added that he wished I hadn’t told him about the blog. I didn’t tell him the name of it, but while we were at dinner, I mentioned I write a blog. I’m so passionate about writing that I got excited and told him all about it. He asked if I wrote about him so I said yeah but I didn’t use his name. Then he asked what I called him so I said island boy. I didn’t think anything of it. I’ve mentioned my blog to other guys and it’s never been an issue, but I think now I’ll have to zip it on that front.

Honestly, I was so mortified. He was sincerely apologetic and asked if I was upset with him. I am a little if I’m being honest. I feel a little sad about the whole thing. This blog was my was of expressing how I feel, venting, getting things off my chest and in a sense, like writing in a diary. It’s hard to think of how I’ll be able to do that now. How easy will it be to write my truth, knowing he might read it? How could I be brutally honest if I fear hurting him and losing him?

I love the WordPress community, I really feel like I’ve connected with so many of you. I love the comments you leave and the advice you’ve given me. I also love reading your posts, although that’s not going to change.

I know I shouldn’t let a guy dictate whether or not I continue to do something I enjoy this much, I’m just feeling quite hesitant at the moment that’s all…

-Love, Autumn x

Repeating past mistakes

I’m a little worried

I’m worried about how much I like island boy

I’m worried that I think about him too much

I’m worried that I’m starting to crave his messages, his presence.

I’m worried that I’m focusing all my energy one on guy… again.

This is my thing! I go on dating apps, swipe, go on a date or two, find someone I like and no one else matters to me anymore. I don’t have to have any commitment from the guy in question, but if I like him a lot, I just don’t see the point in dating other people, even if it possible or even probable, that it won’t work out between us.

It feels like the Pirate all over again. We’ve been seeing each other regularly (3 times in 9 days)… reality check Autumn you met him 9 days ago… see what I mean? I’m losing track of the time.

I keep asking myself if I should just force myself to see other people, just for the sake of it. To keep my options open… I feel so naive 😩

Mr X<<<
also at a loss at what to do about Mr X, he's still around, pushing for us to hang out "go on an adventure," "watch a show or go to a museum."

Really Mr X…Really<<
on't get him, I thought we had agreed to just be friends after he told me he was worried about things ending up like before. I told him we should keep it simple then and just be friends, but it's difficult to know what that friendship would look like, after all we've never really been anything but friends… with benefits (even if though it wasn't a label we added).

The Pirate<<
still have those tickets for the 10th Feb, yet we haven't spoken since the 9th Jan. I need to man up and say something to him, but part of me wants to see if he'll do the same. Does he even remember we've got these tickets? He said he was really looking forward to it, yet he's made no effort to stay in contact.

I vented to my sister today, I was left feeling a little sad. I told her that he hadn't reached out in a while and it made me feel that he couldn't have cared that much for me, if he was able to push me away and keep me away even now. He's performing gig after gig in front of a room full of people. If he can do that in his depressed state, why couldn't he text me. Isn't texting less effort than a 1 hour + gig?

I'm still hurting. I'm human after all and I do miss him, but I'm also really happy. I love spending time with island boy, we get along really well, but these are early days and he's likely to be dating other girls…

I honestly don't know what I'll do next to be honest. Like I said previously, I'm going to take it day by day and see what happens.

Side note: I was talking to my cousin Nevaeh on the phone a while ago about the stages that lead up to a relationship

Dating– talking/ going on dates with several people, casual, no commitment

Seeing someone– You’re pretty much only dating one specific person, but you haven’t discussed exclusivity and therefore you may be seeing other people.

Exclusive– Just the two of you, commitment, pretty much a relationship without the label

In a committed relationship– boyfriend/girlfriend status

I don’t know how legit those are, it’s just what we discussed over the phone. I decided I refuse to be in the exclusive stage, again. If you want commitment, ask me to be your girlfriend, if not we should keep things casual until you’re ready. I’m not a toy…

I deserve to feel wanted, really truly wanted, in a way that someone is dying to call me their girlfriend. We all deserve that! Women and Men alike. We don’t deserve to be strung along with half hearted exclusivity commitments. I won’t do it anymore!

Let me know you think about exclusivity vs being in a committed relationship

-Love, Autumn x

Awful date, great company


Soooooo….. before I get into how much fun I had tonight, let me tell you what my aunt said to my mum about me. She said she admires me, that I continue to put myself out there even if I get hurt, even when things don’t work out, I keep at it. Everyone is so happy for me, as if I’ve already scored myself a boyfriend, but my history with the pirate is keeping me grounded. I felt strongly I had found someone I could spend my life with, I had never felt that way before and was more happy than I had ever been, and before I knew it, it was over. Island boy could well leave me too, however great things are right now. I know it sounds pessimistic and I don’t mean it to, I’m just trying to provide a context to explain why I’m trying not to get caught up in my feelings this time, why I won’t have high expectations and why I’m determined to enjoy every moment with him while I can.

Now onto the date

Part one: Crazy Golf

Sighhhhh…. I booked us two tickets for crazy golf using that app I love so much. It was described as crazy golf meets escape room, with a puzzle element. I love puzzles and we thought it sounded great so we were excited to try it out… false advertisement!! The only puzzle was where to start each hole as there was no markings, plus one of the holes were broken. We had a laugh about it and enjoyed each other’s company so it didn’t really matter. There were these fake flowers dotted around giving it a forest look and he picked one up and gave it to me 😍 swoooooooon!!! I took it oohing and ahhing, smelled it and thanked him. He laughed and said he was kidding and that was too pathetic to give me. I kept it although now I’m thinking about it, does that mean I stole it? 😂

After we left, he asked me where I wanted to go next, I didn’t really know the area too well so he decided we could walk and see what there was…

Part two: Edgar’s- Hackney

We went to a little restaurant that was on the high street. There was a great vibe inside, candles and board games for people to play. The place was buzzing with quite a few people. We looked through the menu and there were vegan options so we decided to eat there. I opted for the vegan burger which was made with a quinoa patty… sighhh island boy went to order and came back and told me they said the Bun wasn’t vegan… umm… don’t call it a vegan burger if there are non-vegan elements in it! He was apologising as if it was his fault, he’s so sweet. I decided to get the white wine risotto without mushrooms.

We chatted while waiting for our food. I love how easy it is with him. Funnily enough he asked me how I felt about going to a meat restaurant and I said exactly what I said in my previous post, that I’d never expect anyone to only go to vegan restaurants. He asked what I’d get and I said salad with chips. He then said he didn’t mind going to vegan restaurants and would happily do so but maybe we could find some regular ones with vegan options. Like I said I’m down for that, I’ve got no issue sitting across from someone who’s eating a big old steak.

We decided to move tables so we were closer to the wall, more cosy. There was no candle on that table so I took one from another table and he laughed and said I was creating a romantic vibe. He ordered calamari and a pesto avocado rocket salad. This restaurant has an obsession with rocket, it was everywhereeeeee. Island boy said the calamari was okay but there was no pesto on his salad, it was simply chopped up avocado a simple dressing and rocket leaves… pathetic! Mine came and I put my fork into it and it looked stringy as if there was cheese in it. I asked island boy to taste it for me and he did and said there was definitely cheese in it. He shook his head, apologised and took it directly to the chef, not to the waiter. I watched as he talked to the chef and showed him the menu. When he came back he told me he asked the chef if he put cheese in it and he said “yes Parmesan” 😂 okay so how is this a vegan dish then???!! When the remake came, island boy tried it first for me and said it was cheese free. I tasted it… yuck! The rice was undercooked after allll that!!

We laughed at what a disaster the date had been so far and then he smiled and said “it’s the company that matters” My heart was doing all sorts of flips inside my chest. I told him to get his money back and he did. He said he felt bad that I hadn’t eaten anything and offered to take me elsewhere, but I honestly wasn’t that hungry as I had gone out earlier with my brother and eaten food from the Dough Society (amazing vegan doughnuts) and the Temple of Seitan (amazing “chicken” burger), I need to go back and try some more stuff from there!! He looked hesitant and said he didn’t want my mum to be upset that I didn’t eat, it was so cute that he wanted to make a good impression. I assured him I was okay though. We decided to leave that hell house and go elsewhere.

Part three: The pub

In the car, he asked again if I was sure I was okay, and I said I was. We ended up in a pub and being the crazy/ wild people were are, we ordered tea lol we sat in an empty room in the pub and looked at the huge word map that was on the wall. We spoke about the places we’ve been and the places we’d like to go. It was lovely. The topic somehow got to V fest and we were debating whether or not the second one was in north London or the midlands. I was soooooo sure I was right and it was in North London. He asked if I wanted to bet and I blurted out “£100!!!” He laughed and said he didn’t wanna bet that but he’d bet a kiss. I was in competitive mode and said “doesn’t matter what you bet I’m 100% right” I was 100% wrong lol and I was sooooo sure. I told him that even though technically he had the facts, my reasoning was abstract and transcended the facts and therefore because I truly believed I was right, I won the bet. He laughed then asked when he could redeem his prize. I feigned ignorance and asked him what he was referring to, and he said the kiss and leaned in. I told him, I didn’t know what he meant and leaned in too and we kissed. It was perfect! Gentle, soft… so perfect. Every time I think about it I get butterflies and a little shiver (in a good way). I could’ve kissed him all night. We stayed until the pub closed at 11, then headed home. He dropped me off and we kissed some more. I was sooo reluctant to leave. We said our goodbyes and I told him we should do this again soon and he added “very soon.”

When I got in, I received a message from him saying “It’s a shame the pub closed and it had to end.”

Be still my heart! Don’t beat out of my chest! Swoooooon! He’s amazing! I’m buzzing! I can’t wait to see him again!

-Love, Autumn x

Swooning over Island Boy

Sorry I’ve been so shit at writing regular posts, I’ve been caught up in a two week induction training for new staff members and had to prepare to run a full day of training (my first time ever), and I’m ill again!! Sigh. It’s not the flu this time though, I did one of those genetic tests a while back and found that I have a gene that means I have a slightly increased risk of developing Cealic disease (bye bye gluten). To be honest, I’ve been eating a lot of bread recently and I’ve been feeling like shit so it would make sense, but I wont jump to conclusions, I’ll just cut out gluten for a little while and see how I feel.

Okay on to more interesting things.

Island Boy… swoooooooon!!! Let me start at the begininng as quite a bit has happened since our first date.

Date 1:

Island boy said we could go for coffee or he could take me to a vegan restaurant he’d been to before, which was really good. I opted for the coffee date and told him that if we got on we could go there next time and he agreed that coffee was a better first date. I did my usual, talking myself out of the date, but pulled myself together and met him in Leytonstone, which is local to both of us. I still can’t get over how close we are to each other!! One stop away on the central line, its mad! Mr X and the Pirate lived 40+ mins away, which isn’t that bad, but it was costly; I spent a lot of money on travel.

I was wearing blue jeans, my knee high boots, a pink sweater, my leather jacket and my sister’s black and white scarf… and I looked good. My sister had actually told me what to wear, her fashion sense has and will always be light years ahead of my own. I was so nervous when I arrived, he was standing outside the station facing the opposite direction, but I knew it was him straight away, he looked exactly like his pictures thank God! The way his hair flicks around his ears is particularly cute and his stubble was doing all sorts of things for me. He turned around as he noticed me and flashed me a smile… swooooonnn be still my heart! He’s gorgeous.

And what do I do? I did my classic awkward wave lol. I was still halfway in dreamland when he told me there were two coffee shops near by, one of which was a little packed when he walked by and the other which was 15 minute walk away. I hesitated and he suggested the one that was closer “because I know you don’t like walking,” I laughed and said “you remembered!!” and we had a little laugh about that.

The coffee shop was quite busy but a couple left just as we arrived so we scored ourslves 2 comfy chairs in the corner of the room. We had two soy lattes and he had a brownie. He asked if they had any vegan cakes, which they did, then asked me if I wanted one, but I didn’t. He paid. I was worried the converstaion would run dry but it didn’t. We sipped on coffee and spoke for 3 hours about our lives- family, friends, jobs, travel and a bunch of stuff I don’t even remember, until we decided we should probably go. It was a sunday and I had training the next day.

I still can’t get over how well we got on, how accepting he is of my vegan lifestyle, to the point where he offered to take me to vegan restaurants. I know for some it can be a turn off, as they’d rather not have to think so hard about where to go out to eat and stuff like that, but I’m not too much trouble at all. I’ll go to a meat shack if thats where someone really wanted to go and try to find something on the menu I could eat, like a salad and chips. I believe in flexibility and compromise, I would never expect someone to go to vegan-only restuarants with me, if they wanted to I’d be more than happy to go though lol.

He walked me to the station after the date and gave me a hug goodbye. Then continued talking to me, gave me another hug and left we parted ways. I sent him a message confirming I had reached home and that I had a good time with him. He replied: “Me too! Lets do it again as soon as possible.”


We planned to go to the Vegan restuarant he had initially suggested, two days later.

Date 2:

We spoke during the build up to the date. He’s been off work due to his knee injury so he’s been a little stir-crazy I think. We met at Wanstead station and there he was looking cute as ever. We hugged and he led me to his car. It was a 15 minute drive to the restuarant and we talked the whole way there, it felt really easy being with him.

The place was called FED BY WATER and its in DALSTON and THE FOOD WAS BLOODY BRILLIANT!!!!

It was italian style vegan food, I never imagined the food would taste as good as it did. When I told my brother later on that I had been, he was super jealous as he’s been wanting to go there.

The mood was quite romantic, with low lighting and a candle on the table. I had sparkling water and he ordered this green juice, which he let me try. It was poisonous to my taste buds and I knew it would be as soon as I saw it had cucumber in it. He agreed it wasn’t the most pleasant. I’m trying my best but when I think about that night all I can think about is the food. This creamy cheese with chives which we ate on warm bread…*drool* The pasta I had was heavenly too. I let him try mine, but it wasn’t in the “let me feed you from my fork” kind of way lol he agreed it was nice. He had a mushroom creamy pasta and said he would offer me some, but it has mushrooms and I had told him earlier that last time I ate them, my throat got all scratchy. He offered to buy dessert, but nothing looked that appealing and I was so full, so he got the chocolate mouse and it came with two spoons. He encouraged me to try it and said it was nice so I had a little…. 😥 Dark chocolate mouse= poison. He seemed to really enjoy it though.

I know he travels for work sometimes and he showed me a few pictures on his phone of him in Africa. He made me laugh as he kept telling me not to look for too long as he looks really weird in them. I guess he’s not the most photogenic haha but I liked that he felt comfortable enough to show me them anyway. When he was looking down at his phone to search for a picture, I stared at him and it felt like someone had shot an arrow into my chest… he looked just like the pirate, in that moment. Then to make things worse, he bit his lip in the exact way that the pirate did. I was able to shake off the thought though.

One of the waiters was very flamboyant in the way he served us, he was really complimentary and called me radiant which made us laugh, and he also called us beautiful people. So if you want a pick me up while enjoying great food, Fed by water is the place to go!

We walked back to his car and talked all the way home. When we arrived on my road, he leaned over, hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Then something possessed me, maybe an evil spirit or horny ghost, and I leaned back in and kissed him… on the lips… just a peck, but it felt awkward as fuck! I immediately regretted it even before he said thankyou, which felt even more awkward. I waved as he drove away and told my younger brothers, my mum and called my sister to tell them about the awkward kiss. They didn’t understand what i meant by awkward and thought that maybe I was overthinking it. He  messaged me as soon as he got home to say he had a great time, so maybe I was.

This weekend, I’m spending the morning with my big brother 🙂 We’re going to a Vegan coffee shop that just opened up. Then I’m going on another date with Island boy. I asked him if he wanted to see me again and he said of course, then asked if I wanted to see him again, which I definetely do, so we made plans for Saturday evening. The original plan was dinner and the comedy show, but I was telling my sister about my plans and found out she’s going with her boyfriend and so I told him that and suggested we do something else and go to the comedy show another time, which he was fine with. Its too soon even for an accidental encounter, I’m so glad I found out they were going, I would’ve felt so awkward if we had bumped into them, I feel like it would’ve looked so staged like It was all part of a plan I made to introduce them… And there I go overthinking things again.

I’ll let you know how Saturday goes, maybe I’ll get a not so awkward kiss this time. I need to stop thinking about the kiss, because it has led to a whole new set of thoughts about why he hasn’t tried to kiss me yet.

-Love, Autumn x

Tinder Dates..😬

Sooo as you may know, I’m back on Tinder… I’ve been asked out by two different guys already eeeekkkk!!

I completely shut down! I feel like I’m back to where I used to be, where I disappeared as soon as a guy asked me out sighhh. I’m still talking to Island boy at the moment but the other dude has kinda faded away.

I pushed it back til next weekend, with the excuse that I have plans this weekend and although island boy seemed okay with it, it was clear he was at least a little disappointed.

The truth is my heart just isn’t in it at the moment, but I remember when meeting the pirate I didn’t feel like it either and pushing myself to go was one of the best things I’ve ever done. Time will tell if things stay cool between me and the two guys and we even make it til next weekend.

I wrote this a few days ago and since then things have changed a little.

I haven’t spoken to the other dude and I don’t really care either lol. I’ve been talking with island boy every day, he’s responsive to messages and seems attentive. I’m seeing him today, in a couple hours actually. I bit the bullet and decided I needed to push myself. He seems genuinely nice, but we’ll see.

I showed his picture to the girls a couple nights ago and they ALL said he looks like the pirate 🙈🙈 I honestly don’t see it! Maybe I have a type now 🤔 if he gets clinically depressed and pushes me away, I’m gonna be pissed.

Well wish me luck, I’ll be back later with an update on how it went. Fingers crossed!!

-Love, Autumn x

Getting back on the dating horse

Today, I decided enough is enough, I need to get back out there!

First, I reinstalled Tinder and read through my old messages with the pirate… again. The first conversation we had was full of pirate lingo, which is how he got his name. I miss how I felt in the beginning… but it’s time to move on.

I knew I wanted to delete my account and start over fresh, I just didn’t want to delete the convo with him. I looked through a few of my unread messages and saw that some guy had sent me a GIF of two people having sex… 😒 All I could think was Ahh so this is how Tinder welcomes me back!!

A few other guys had sent me messages but no one I was interested in so I looked at the pirate’s profile one last time then deleted the account and started over. I felt a small sense of loss which in hindsight is silly as he’s still in my life and we’ve got future plans to hang out “soon” and more concrete plans like tickets to see “The Grinning Man” in theatre in February and “Queens of The Stone Age” at a music festival in June. Plus I told him I’d be coming to a few of his gigs, which he said he was happy about.

I can’t help but wonder: Am I being cruel to myself? I know I still have feelings for him, yet I have him in my life in a way that may make it difficult for me to get over him. I haven’t seen him in months and there’s a part of me that wonders what I’ll feel when I see him next. It’s partly why I went to see Mr X after V fest. It’s one believing you can put feelings aside and just be friends with someone you once cared for intimately, but I personally don’t think you can’t know for sure until you’re face to face with that person.

When I was face to face with Mr X and we kissed, I realised we could be “just friends.” I’m not saying I plan to kiss the pirate, to know for sure, because I don’t, I’m just saying deep down I know that after spending an evening with him, I’ll know if I have what it takes to put my feelings aside and hang out as “just friends.”

I’m not expecting to see him and not to feel anything, that’s not what I mean at all. Its hard to explain and I feel like I’m rambling a bit. I just want to feel comfortable around him in a way where my heart isn’t completely aching.

Back to Tinder, my heart isn’t exactly in it, but I’m hoping I meet someone who helps take my mind off the pirate. It’s funny I had that same hope about Mr X and met the Pirate, maybe such good fortune will strike again.

Stay tuned 😉

-Love, Autumn x

Lack of Love Life Update

I could share with you, the last set of weekly entries I wrote about being without the Pirate, but honestly I think there’s no point. Rereading some of my past entries I’ve realised how whiney they sound about a situation that I didn’t really have to be in, but was choosing to.

That being said, I decided to just tell the Pirate that I was in love with him and that if he didn’t want to be with me, he needed to let me know.

Now, I said this because part of me was wondering if this seperation wasn’t simply about his depression, but that he also wasn’t really interested anymore and I really didn’t want to be the girl who’s holding on to someone who she doesn’t have a chance of being with, so I took the plunge and was ready for whatever his response was. Below is our exact message exchange:

Just to add a bit of context for the first message- Remember the plan to meet up on the 23rd Dec? This is what the diary entry countdown was to… he wasn’t up for meeting in the end…

So it’s official I’m no longer seeing the Pirate!! It’s been really hard, more so because my younger sister and older brother have partners and there was a lot of talk this Christmas about them and my sister has just gone on holiday for the umpteenth time with her boyfriend for their one year anniversary.

Guys always say how great I am, but if thats the case how comes no one actually wants to be with me? I’m not saying that to get pitied, it’s just something I keep asking myself.

On another note, as you might remember Mr X and I decided to talk as friends and have been doing so during this entire period. He asked what I was doing for New Years Eve and I told him I didn’t want to go out this year and would prefer to do something chilled. He told me if I wasnt seeing someone he’d invite me round, we could watch a movie, eat veggies (making fun of the fact that i’m vegan) and at 12 take a candle lit bath together… Please remember that last part lol.

Now, after I told him I’m no longer seeing anyone, he seemed to back track, and said he was in deep thought about the whole thing because he didn’t want to create any dramas or stir up old feelings. I’m not really sure what to make of that seen as he was the one adding a flirtacious vibe to the conversation, so I simply ignored it and we spoke about something else.

I think with Mr X it may be a case of wanting me because I wasn’t available at the time, or maybe he doesn’t want to feel like my backup plan and honestly I don’t want him to feel like that either. I was the one who told him he shouldn’t wait for me, he was the one who said he wanted to leave the door open for me as long as he could.

At the end of the day, I still have feelings for the Pirate, they’re not going to go away over night. I think the meds I’m taking are helping, or maybe it’s the placebo effect and I just think they are. Either way, I haven’t cried over him. My cousin Nevaeh wanted to know if I was going to go straight back on Tinder or take a break. I’m taking a break. I thought I had hit the Jackpot on Tinder with the Pirate. I went back on Tinder to reread out first conversation and it made me smile. Then I read some old ones with other guys, which just reinforced my desire to take a break from it all. If something casual could resume with Mr X, while I’m trying to get over the Pirate that would be ideal, if not at least I’ve got them both in my life as friends.

I hope you all had a great Christmas!!

-Love, Autumn x

Week 5 without the Pirate

Day 27

Today was a good day! We spoke on Facebook briefly, well to be honest t o responded to my little melt down where I accused you of ghosting me. I was feeling really hurt that you didn’t respond to my text checking up on you. When you responded and assured me you weren’t ghosting me, it made me feel relieved. You said you were really sorry that this was so hard on  me and I swear I also told you I loved you. I wanted to explain why you can trust that I wont leave you. I know there’s no point counting down til the 23rd, you wontbe better and that’s okay. I let you off the hook, as much as I wanted to see you, you don’t need the pressure.

Day 28

I’m questioning why I’m still doing this. Writing, counting down the days, when I know I won’t see you on the 23rd. It’s therapeutic, writing to you. I get to say the things I can’t say to your face or even message you right now. Today you told me you were starting CBT soon and I don’t know why, but I immediately thought you were lying to me. I know this isn’t my fight and all I can  do is be there for you and wait until you’re better, until you’re ready to let me in again, but it’s hard. Do you know what it feels like to see the person you love, live their life without you? You have no idea what one message from you does to me. You breathe life into me and light up my world… it’s been so dark lately.

Day 29

Today was a busy day for me, so I didnt have much time to lament, which is good. I keep rereading that last message you sent to me, like it’s the last one I’ll ever recieved. You thanked me again, for supporting you and being there and said I was too king and caring to you. I know you don’t think you deserve it, but trust me you do. I wouldn’t have hung around if you didn’t, not like this. I’d offer friendly support, if you ever needed it, but I wouldn’t save my heart for you. I wouldn’t dream of a life with you. All I can say is I hope you feel the same about me. I really hope you don’t end up hurting me.

Day 30

I’m okay, I think… sort of. I feel a sense of clarity like this was meant to happen, like i’m being tested. Kind of like a less formal and non-commital “til death do us part.” Okay, so I feel like that makes no sense now lol. What i mean is, I feel like my ability to stay with someone through the good and bad, is being tested. I’ve only had one proper relationship in my life an that was at school. I told you I’ve never had an adult one. I never had a proper date before I met you. We’ve had a lot of firsts, well I have. I don’t think I’ll ever get bored of you and that’s syaing a lot because I lose interest in guys pretty quickly, but you’re different and if this break has taught me one thing it’s the true meaning of “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health” and what it feels like struggling to hold onto someone you love. It’s been hard Pirate, but I’d do it all over again, to spend a few minutes in your arms.

Day 31

I’m very aware of how incoherant a lot of yesterdays entry was. I was rambling,but I think or at least I hope you’ll get the jist of it. I want to be with you always and forever. I want to wake up next to you and fall asleep in your arms. I want every part of you, the good and the  bad and most of all, I want you to want that too…

Day 32

Today my cousin messaged me, all excited, telling me i’ve only got one more week until I get to see you again. I wish  I felt that excited, but the truth is, excitement is for those anticipating something good. I’ll ask you on Friday, if you’re still up for meeting on Saturday. I really hope you are. I miss you so much! She asked if we’ll be seeing each other over the Christmas and New Years period. I wish I could say yes with confidence. These days I don’t hope to see you by a certain date, I hope to see you again… period.

Day 33

I haven’t had the urge to put pen to paper and write about my feelings these past few days. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been caught up in the “will they wont they” battle that’s been running through my head- wondering if you still feel the same, no, wondering if you still feel anything for me. I’m on day 3 of my meds and  I hope they’ll help with the anxiety i’ve been feeling with work and my mood swings. All I’ve ever wanted is to be happy, to feel content with the life I lead, and I’m hoping this will be the first step towards that.

-Love, Autumn x

Week 4 without the Pirate

Day 20

I was a mess yesterday! I fell apart in a way i’m not exactly unfamiliar with. I’ve always had trouble managing my moods. You’ve seen this first hand when  I ruined a perfectly good night out with my mood, right as we were heading home. Yesterday I was feeling really low, but it happened so quickly! One minute I’m enjoying my music, rocking out to some old school alternative, and then I go downstairs to help put up the Christmas tree and my mood dropped. My mum was not impressed and my brother was worried. Mum said I need to seek help for my mood swings as they have a negative effect on everyone else and it’s not fair. I can’t say I’m surprised. Last night I went to my GP about how I felt, she said it sounded like depression and gave me meds, but I only took them for a few days (I hate how quick they throw meds at you). My moods are direct reactions triggered by things i see or hear or a feeling that sweeps over me. I’m getting myself sorted out, I need to now more than ever.

Day 21

My heart hurts and my eyes are sore from all the crying and yet here I am, writing to you. Maybe I’m a masochist. I had a dream last night that I recieved a text from you… more like a nightmare as I woke up suddenly, fear running through me and I only managed to read a little bit of it. It said “I’d rather break 100 hearts than break yours,” and it made me think the end is coming… yes that sounds dramatic, but at 5am that’s the vibe I was feeling. I really hope it was just a stupid dream that doesn’t mean anything.

Day 22

Today was a good day for me. We had a packed clinic with back to back appointments and they all went really well. I felt really accomplished, it was a great feeling. My little brother played me a song on the ukelele, it was mesmerising, soo good! Then he asked for one of my poems he could turn into a song. I gave him one I wrote years ago called “The Young Girl” and he played me a taster. It was hauntingly beautiful just as it was supposed to be. He’s such a talent that one! Maybe one day you two will jam. I hope you’re well and still fighting the good fight. I miss you xoxo

Day 23

Today one of those memory videos about 2017 came up on Facebook. It showed me a few new friends I made this year; you, your mum and aunt. I couldnt help but  smile. Then it showed picture memories and I saw one of you on stage and one of us lying on the grass at Greenwich Park. I was surprised at how I felt. I expected to feel sad, to feel a longing to go back, but I didnt. I felt happy. Happy to have met you, happy to have gotten the chance to make those memories and happy and lucky to have ever experienced your kindness and the way you made me feel so special. Pirate, I’m so happy you were in my 2017 and hope you’ll be in my 2018 xoxo

Day 24

Today, I was thinking, some would probably look at what’s happened between us and feel sorry for me, I know you did. You kept apologising, you said this wasn’t fair on me, you asked if i was disappointed in you, you asked if I thought you were a little fucked upu. You had no idea I loved you and didnt need your apology, that i thought it wasnt fair on you to feel that way, that i could never be disappointed in you when you were trying so hard to be there for me, while struggling to hold onto who you were, that not even for a second did i ever think you were fucked up. I saw you at your lowest, a prisoner to your depression and I wasn’t scared off like some may have been. I simply saw the guy I fell in love with and a burden I’d help him carry, if he’d let me. You know, if i could have anything in the world, any selfish wish granted to me, I’d wish you never had to struggle like this again. Whether or not I got to be part of your life or not, I’d want your skies to always be blue and your aura to be red!

Day 25

Today I’ll keep it brief as I’ve spent the entire day in bed watching TV on my laptop. I finally went to get food at 3pm and my hands were shaking because of how weak I felt, soo not good! I guess by watching TV all day I haven’t had time to think or should I say dwell on how I feel about us. Maybe that’s a good thing. I know how I feel about you and how you once felt about me and I’m going to hold on to that feeling because it makes me feel happy and it makes me feel  strong. I love you Pirate.

Day 26

This might sound a bit stalkerish, but lets face it, thats my speciality so here goes- whenever I see you haven’t been online on Facebook for hours, I get worried. I worry that something bad has happened to you and it makes me so anxious. Not feeling able to reach out and check on you has been hard, and resisting the urge to ask your mum how you are, is hard too. All I can do is hope to see you online. It won’t clue me in to exactly how you are, but I’ll be able to rest a little easier knowing you’re okay… you’re still here.

Mental Health History

Yesterday we put up the Christmas tree. My brother and sister came round and for the first time in ages all 5 of us were home at the same time, along with mum and dad. I love this time of year and I love putting up the tree with them even though they piss me off every year it’s all playful banter, but yesterday I felt nothing.

I honestly felt a little dead inside. It’s so easy for me to point the finger and blame people for my mood.

  1. I could blame my sister who kept talking about her boyfriend who she lives with and they’re moving into a new place together in the new year and they’re doing stuff on their YouTube channel and everyone in the family is so interested in him and they think he’s great!
  2. I could blame my older brother for talking about his girlfriend and the trip they went on to France. How much she wants to meet us all. 🤮
  3. I could blame my family for egging them both on, prying for more information. Yeah we get it you’re in love and you’re happy and yes I’m aware of how bitter I sound. 
  4. Of course the easiest person to blame would be the pirate. The way he’s pushed me away has affected me deeply, without question, but his actions cannot be solely to blame for how I feel because the truth is this feeling isn’t new.

When I was about 15 or so and was living in Barbados, I used to have really bad mood swings. I always found them difficult to come out of, but it was pretty much chalked up to the whole moody teenager persona. In fact, if I really think about it my moods could go back further to when I was a kid- as young as 8 or 9. My mum told me I would get in the most terrible moods based on the smallest altercations and end up ruining family days out and photographs. There are sooo many photos where my scowl/frown are on show, but again I think it was chalked up to me just being a moody kid.

I’ve always handled it on my own, never really felt like I needed help with my moods. My mum often joked that I was bipolar and I laughed it off in that sarcastic “haha very funny” way. I knew it couldn’t be that because there was no mania, I was in a regular mood, or a low one, there weren’t really any unnatural highs, so I didn’t think much of it. For a while I suspected Seasonal Affective Disorder, because at ages 15 through to about 17/18 I found myself feeling down around the same time of year Oct/Nov, and maybe that is what it was back then, but there’s no set time for my low moods now so it’s not that.

I used to think I had OCD for a while I school, because I would have really inappropriate thoughts, that grossed me out to my core and I found it really difficult to shake the images at times. I was always too embarrassed to tell anyone, so I kept silent. I also had this weird obsession with the number 4. I didn’t have to do things 4 times because I thought something bad would happen if I didn’t, but I did feel a sense of satisfaction when I ate things in groups of four or the rare occasion I did do things four times. Four is my lucky number to this day and 16… ohh sweet 16, is even sweeter as it’s 4×4, if I’m at the casino at the roulette table, you better believe I’m putting chips on a 4 and 16. But getting real I don’t have OCD I was just a little weird.. still am to be fair.

When I was 18 and I came back to the UK, I returned with minimal self confidence. Somewhere in my 7 years living in Barbados I had lost part of who I was. The girl who could get on stage and sing solo in the school choir or perform on stage in a play without fear, she had died without me even realising it. While my siblings were at school making friends, I was looking for a job, friendless and feeling very alone. My pride stopped me from hanging out with my sister and cousin’s friends and so I retreated into myself. Even when I got a job I wasn’t very sociable, I kept to myself. It’s hard to explain it, but I longed for friends and hated feeling lonely all the time, but the thought of talking to new people made me feel so anxious, scared and most of all awkward (it still does). When I went to uni I had to push myself past the awkwardness and I did make a few friends, Noah is from my uni days and I’m happy to say he’s one of my best friends. This social anxiety feels so restricting and I know it’s something I’ve got to work on.

Last year August, I fell into one of the worst states I’ve ever experienced (besides this one I’m currently in). I was extremely depressed and went to my GP for help. I had it all rehearsed in my mind that I would finally come out and say I was feeling depressed, but at the last second I chickened out and told her I was feeling anxious. Technically, I was anxious too- I was walking around feeling soo much tension in my chest, whenever someone raised their voice, the tension tightened, the mere sound of my mother’s shrill voice caused me actual pain, if my parents were trying to figure who had done something  negative like break a glass or an ornament, I would feel this overwhelming sense of guilt. In fact, I felt generally guilty when I had done nothing wrong. I also felt very fearful. I was afraid to make mistakes at work, I was afraid of rejection in my dating life (back then I was dating Mr X, before we had sex). Most of all I was afraid that people would find out I’m a fraud. Even today, I am constantly praised for my contributions at work and even got a promotion and raise and it all comes with even more responsibility and yet no matter how many professionals say how much they enjoy working with me or how talented I am or that they wish they could clone me, it doesn’t matter becuase I dont feel like this person they’re describing. Back then, my relationship with Mr X helped me feel more like myself again. I was sooo sad all the time and talking to him, made me feel so happy.

I don’t want my happiness to be dependent on a guy, thats unhealthy, but for now I feel like I really need my friend. 

Mr X knows about my moods and has been on the receiving end of many of my “switches.” About a week ago, he noticed I was being quite short with him, and distant and told me I could always talk to him if I wanted to, but honestly it was the last thing I wanted to do, plus I still felt like it would be a betrayal to the pirate, especially considering we (Mr X and I) ended up kissing last time I saw him (pre-exclusivity converstaion with the pirate). I love the pirate so I don’t think I will feel any temptation, but I’m also not feeling like myself so maybe I shouldn’t risk it. I honestly don’t know what will happen with the pirate, as much as I want there to be a future for us, I don’t know if it’ll happen. All I know is, he’s putting himself first right now and I need to do the same.

I said I was going to start eating better and going to the gym- I havent made it to the gym yet, but my first week of healthy eating led to me losing 5 lbs, my mum and younger brother were happier for me than I was, I could just about muster a smile. Last night, when I got compliments that I looked like I had lost weight, I simply smiled and said thanks (I’m not starving myself or anything like that by the way, but eating a balanced vegan diet, 3 months Vegan!!). Yep I obviously wasn’t feeling like myself. On that note, today I got a referral to a psychiatrist today to get myself sorted once and for all. No more speculating what causes my mood swings. My mum thinks its hormonal, it could be, I’ve always had issues with my hormones- I’ve had a pretty irregular cycle my whole life, ranging from 18 days to 108 days… yup! Messed up indeed!! 

Honestly, I would really like to stop crying as much as I have been. The majority of the time, I’m not even thinking about the pirate when the tears start silently flowing, but they do and I can’t put my finger on what’s causing it. Luckily, the uncontrollable tears are a night time affliction and I can function properly at work. I struggle most when I’m alone in my room. I’ve cried several times while writing this post. Its tiring, I’m tired and on  that note, I’m off to bed. Night

-Love, Autumn x