The Letter

Honestly what Mr X wrote in that letter was no different than what was said over the phone. He spoke about his regrets and said he wasn’t trying to confuse me, but felt like he had to explain some things to me.

He’s got depression. I was about to write “had,” but I think once you have it, it’s not something that just goes away. I think it lies dormant until a major event happens or maybe something small that hits you harder than you thought, causing your depression to make its way back to the surface. Just my view on it. Anyway, he’d told me in the past about a really dark experience he had where he was so “messed up” (his words) that his parents considered getting him committed. This episode was related to the end of his 4 year relationship. He loved her, thought they’d get married, the whole shebang, he even saw himself having kids with her, but then it ended and he spiralled into a dark funk. After that he told me he dated girls casually, refused to let anyone get too close for fear of getting too attached.

When we met, he told me the next person he dated seriously, he wanted to be his last. Me being me, I loved the sound of that and was already picturing myself in that white dress πŸ˜‚ I’m crazy I know!! However, when he told me he didn’t want kids I realised that would never happen so we decided to have a causal friends with benefits situation.

He told me there were times he really wanted to see me, but was like “if I keep seeing her I’m going to like her,” and said he knew how stupid he sounded. He thanked me for breaking down the walls he’d kept up for so long, to protect himself and said the day I came to see him after v fest, he’d just told his friend he was ready to be with someone. He repeated how he felt when he saw me that night and said that all he wanted to do was lay down and cuddle with me when I told him how shit my day had been.

He told me again that he’s in love with me…

He said he knows he’s massively fucked up and that he was a coward. He’d spent two weeks after that night contemplating whether to share his feelings and hoped that there was enough between us that I would give up my new start and give him a chance. The day he wrote the letter, I had a dentist appointment and we were texting about it. He told me he smiled when reading my messages and loves talking to me and added it was the first time he smiled that day.

He spoke about how great I am and how much interest I always took in his life, even the mundane- I wanted to know everything and he doubts he’ll ever meet someone like me again. He told me if things don’t work out with the pirate to give him a call and we can go for a drink and chat.

The bonus page he mentioned was a poem. It was the one Tupac wrote for Jada. I had never heard of it before, he changed one word (referring to me as a woman rather than black woman, I think he wanted to keep race out of it). For those who don’t know it, it goes like this:

Jada

 

You are the omega of my heart

The foundation for my conception of love

When I think of what a woman should be

It’s you that I think of first

 

You will never fully understand

How deeply my heart feels for you

I worry that we’ll grow apart

And I’ll end up losing you

 

You bring me to climax without sex

And do it all with regal grace

You are my heart in human form

And a friend I could never replace

 

To say I was lost for words is an understatement. I texted him to say I had received the letter and how beautiful and moving it all was and that I wished him nothing but the best. He said he needed time to get over me and I told him I’d give him all the space he needed.

He initiated a conversation the next day and we were back to chatting with our old banter minus any sexual innuendos. He promised he’d stop talking about his feelings, yet a couple of days later he was saying how much he misses me. I honestly miss him too, almost 2 years of talking pretty much all day every day, you create a bond with that person that’s not so easily severed. He asked if I don’t think I’m making a mistake by giving up on us. I told him the only way I’d know I was making a mistake is if I could see the future and said that nothing is certain. I said I’d never regret choosing the pirate, no matter what happened, the same way I don’t regret any of the time we spent together. He said he understood.

Again he brought up the idea of me calling him and going for a drink if it doesn’t work out. I said that’s not my style and asked why he would you want to meet up with me knowing I chose someone else. He replied- I’d want to because I know this is all my fault, if it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t be with someone else right now and we’d be together. I told him I didn’t like the idea of him waiting around and not moving on so he said his door and life will be open to me as long as it can be and that he’s not ready to see someone new yet because he knows he’ll be sitting across the table from her wishing it was me.

I asked him if we could talk about something else and we changed the topic. I’ve tried to give him space because I don’t want to be that girl who has the guy she wants but is stringing along a back up just in case. I was talking to my sister about all of this and she asked what I would do if it doesn’t work out with the pirate, would I go back to Mr X. I told her I don’t even want to think about that. I can see a future with the pirate; marriage, kids, a happy life where he integrates well within my family. I want things to work, I don’t want to be thinking about what ifs.

Mr X has been a big part of my life and I’ve spent a lot of time crying over him especially after he said he was in love with me and told me he could see himself spending the rest of his life with me.

That letter and the poem especially, broke my heart because I know how badly I wanted to be loved by him. I know how much I struggled to keep my feelings at bay, I know how worried I felt about saying the slightest thing “emotional” for fear of being accused of having feelings and him ending what we had. I know how scared I felt to lose him, I know how sad I felt knowing he wasn’t mine and that we’d never truly be together.

No ones ever done so much to try to prove how strongly they feel about me… I just wish he’d done it sooner when my heart was still up for grabs.

-Love, Autumn x

A letter from Mr X

Mr X asked if he wrote me a letter would I read it.

It’s weird my mum was just telling me how they used to write matters to each other back in the day and how we as a generation don’t do that anymore.

I said of course I’d read it. I’m waiting for it to arrive in the post..

On another note, he wanted to call me again. He promised this would be the last time he made a call like this unless it was something I initiated, I said ok. Mr X pretty much said some of the same stuff he said before about regrets and how he treated me. He spoke about wanting the next person he was with to be his last. Something I remember him saying a while ago. Then asked me if I wanted the same. Of course I’d rather that then to spend more time dating around. He said he could see us being really happy together and asked me if I really could see a future with us. It was a hard question to answer.

I can see it, but doesn’t mean I want it…

He told me he could see himself spending the rest of his life with me, and spoke about the next two years as if he was hinting towards marriage at the end of them. Of course I want to get married, of course I thought about how easy it could be to step into a life that seems paved for you and of course I thought about how much I’ve dreamed of him saying such things to me.

I told him I was happy with the pirate and although things are not certain, I would have so much regret not seeing where things could go with him. Mr X choked up a bit and said so you’d regret missing out on something with him more than something with me? I went silent then I said, it’s hard because youre saying all these things but I don’t believe you- I don’t believe you’ll change. 

Also, when speaking to my mum later I said I don’t want someone who has to change for me, because at their core they’ll stay the same and it will resurface. Someone shouldn’t have to change who they are for you.

I was clear about what I wanted and he accepted it, apologised again for the past and said he’ll leave me to it for a while, but asked me to let him know when I recieved his letter. I can’t help but wonder what’s in it.

He said he found something I’d like and he wanted to write a letter because he couldn’t get stuff out over the phone and a text didn’t seem appropriate. He also said there was a bonus page, whatever that means. I’ll have to wait and see, which is hard when you’re as impatient as I am when it comes to this sort of stuff. I’ll let you know when the letter arrives and what’s inside it!

-Love, Autumn x

The Pirate’s low mood

I saw the pirate again for drinks the other night and by drinks I mean lemonade because right now I can’t deal with alcohol. We were both really tired and the mood was already quite low. We were talking about his band and what it takes to really make it and I could tell he was getting down about things. 

He previously told me, he understood what Mr X means to me because he also had someone to help him when he was at his lowest and this led to a conversation where he told me he was on medication for depression. So that night I could see something wasn’t exactly right. He said he was fine and sometimes he just gets a little bit low and said he thinks he might have missed a pill yesterday which doesn’t help. I asked him if he wanted to leave but he said absolutely not! so we stayed. 

It wasn’t awkward but it definitely was different and I said to him – remember when you said to me you don’t think there’s anything I can say to scare you away? Well the same goes for me there’s nothing you can say that’s going to make me leave. I kissed him then said I will say one thing though, if you murder someone, have the decency not to tell me, I don’t want to be complicit, he smiled and said okay. 

He could tell there was something else on my mind, he’s pretty good at reading me already, but it wasn’t something I wanted to share with him. He has a tendency to ask me what I’m thinking, like he wants me to share but he doesn’t share with me, so I told him that. I said I’ve already said enough in fact, too much based on how long we’ve known each other. He can be quite persistent and even when we were at the station ready to say out goodbyes he asked again. 

I told him I’m a Libra and right now my scales aren’t balanced. He looked confused and asked me what I needed to do to balance them and I said it wasn’t me and that it was him that had them off balance. He asked what he needed to do, but I told that was something he would have to figure out on his own and added that it was a journey he had to make alone. πŸ˜‚ the last part was me being extra, but it is something he needs to realise on his own- you can’t expect someone to keep sharing their thoughts and feelings with you if you won’t do the same- it’s not fair and that causes a definite upset in the balance of things.

We’re still good and nothing has changed how I feel about him, I just know I need to be patient and stay present and keep reminding myself that no matter how long it feels like I’ve known him, it has been that long πŸ™ˆ

(This date happened last week and this post has been sitting in my drafts, this whole time I thought I’d posted it ages ago… Oops!)

-Love, Autumn x

Mr X said he’s in love with me

A lot has happened in the past couple of days and there have been a lot of tears, some mine, but mostly his… This will be another bullet point type post because there’s a lot to get out and I’ve had a very intense and emotional couple of days and it’s hard to think about and talk about what’s gone down.

It started with a text from Mr X. He said he had something he needed to tell me. He’d been going through it in his head for the past 2 weeks, had trouble focusing at work and was messing up a lot and he needed to get it or and tell me. I said sure you can tell me anything. This led to a phone call in which the following was said:

  • He regrets the way he treated me- not opening up and trying to keep me at arms length.
  • What we have is rare, we have a strong connection and he doesn’t think he’ll ever find someone as amazing and unique as me, again.
  • There’s a lot he would do differently if he could
  • He wishes he would’ve taken me out and introduced me to family and friends, and if he did he’s sure the kids thing wouldn’t be an issue
  • He hates that he was so stubborn about not wanting kids… For him it’s too small a thing to be the thing that stops us being together (he’d have kids with me). He knows he’d love them and be a good father.
  • The last time we saw each other he realised how much he missed me, when I fell asleep on him he watched me sleep and realised he is in love with me!!!
  • He said he wants me to be happy and he knows it’s selfish of him to say what he’s saying but he needed to get it out.
  • He knows he’s the reason why things are the way they are.
  • He asked if I would consider having something official with him, then asked if I wanted time to think about things.

During the conversation, he was crying. I’d never heard him upset, let alone in tears, it made me cry too. He was choking on his words and talking about how hard it is for him to say these things to me. To say I was shocked is an understatement. After almost two years here he was saying all the things I’ve always wanted him to say. 

But I’m with the pirate now, and there was no doubt in my mind that the choice would be him. It doesn’t mean I didn’t feel pain at the thought of the guy I’ve held dear for so long, declaring his love for me and me having to turn him down. Hearing his sobs absolutelybroke me.

Today he asked me if I want him to stop talking about his feelings or to fight for me. He said he’d do anything he could or needed to do…I told him he needed to take the time to get past this… us.

For those of you who have read about Mr X from the beginning you may be really suprised to hear I chose the pirate, who I’ve only known 5 weeks over a guy I’ve known almost 2 years. It sounds crazy I know, but the way I feel about the pirate, I’ve never felt that way about anyone before. I told Mr X, I can’t go back, I’m in a good place, happy.

As is said in Landmark- a self development course I took years ago:

I chose the pirate because I chose the pirate.

You get rid of reasoning; the whys, pros and cons, and focus on the choice itself. You don’t explain yourself.

So what now?

I haven’t told the pirate about any of this, I don’t want it to affect his confidence/ self-esteem, especially after the kiss with Mr X. Neither of us will gain anything from him knowing and so I won’t say anything about it. As for Mr X, I hope he’s taking the time he needs. I’ll be here for him when and if he ever wants a friend in me. 

Until then, I’ll contemplate why I can’t just have an easy love life! πŸ™„

-Love, Autumn x

Meeting the pirate’s mum & our hotel stayΒ 

The 28th marked one month since our first date! Time is a strange thing. It doesn’t feel like a month at all; it feels like 3 at least. It’s probably how often we see each other.

The pirate invited me to a music festival but warned me his mum goes every year and said if I felt uncomfortable then we could always do something the following day. We had plans to see each other Sunday night and spend the day together on Monday so there was no way I was going to miss out on a day so I said it was okay. His mum even offered to stay home in case I was uncomfortable but I said no way and that I was going to end up meeting her soon or later.

His mum is absolutely lovely I was really nervous especially because he was picking her up in the car. When we got to his house I asked him if I should get out and sit in the back he said that’s up to you, actually it’s fine, but in the end I decided to sit in the back. When his mum came out she saw me in the back and told me I should sit in the front with him, I asked if she was sure she said of course. We got drinks before the venue opened and she dished some dirt on the pirate when he was little. When the pirate went to the bathroom and left us alone I was super nervous again. She told me that she liked me before she met me as he had shown her my photos and told her all about me and I sounded like a sweet girl. She told me she could tell how much he really liked me and he’s been so much happier since he met me. She added that was worried that he wasn’t showing me how much he likes me, and asked if he was and I said well not really, but it’s fine and she said trust me he really does like you, but he holds his cards close to his chest and doesn’t really show how he is feeling sometimes and then she asked me to bear with him it was so damn cute. I told her how much I liked him and how sweet and respectful he is and that she raised him well, which I could tell she was pleased by. While we were at the bar, her sister phoned her asking about me, she said I was really nice and really pretty and told her sister she had to go. When she put down the phone she said she really wants you too and his little sister is jealous that I ‘m meeting you and she isn’t. I can’t explain how great that felt and I just hope that the rest of his family likes me or a least feel like I’ll be good for him.

Afterwards we went over to one of the venues to see the live bands and it was so good!! The atmosphere was amazing the band was great in the end we only watched one band and then we drop his mum home and we headed to the hotel I had but because I didn’t want him to have to drive all the way back to my house to drop me off then drive all the way home and drive all the way back to mine again on Monday then drive all the way to drop me off later I said it was too much. He was fine with it, but I wanted him to be able to drink and have fun too so we stayed in a hotel.

I can’t explain how great it was being in the hotel with him. There was no pressure for sex whatsoever and honestly although at times I really wanted to, I knew I just wasn’t ready for what would inevitably come with it like the increase in emotion and  attachment. My feelings for him already so intense without their own sex into the mix. Yes we are exclusive, however, we are not in a relationship and I’m not ready for my feelings to be any stronger than they already are until we reach that point.

Soooooooo… Did anything saucy happen behind that hotel room door? πŸ‘€Haha… he got a cheeky HJ lol I was able to get a glimpse of the goods and I was happy, actually relieved with what I saw.  My sister kept saying things like oh my God what if it’s really small like what if he has a micropenis such a little shit lol. Anyways I can confirm that no he doesn’t! We cuddled and while he fell asleep I lay there for hours finally falling asleep at 4 AM and waking up at 8 AM and because I was awake I had no choice but to wake him up. We made out a lot  and cuddled in the morning while we sipped our hot drinks then we had separate showers and I had five minutes to put my make-up on and get ready. We ended up checking out late but luckily didn’t have to pay extra. Afterwards,  we got breakfast, drove to a park and lay in the Sun together for hours just talking and he slept some more while I took sneaky pics of him lol. It was a great bank holiday weekend together and makes me think of how great a holiday or weekend away would be with him.

The pirate was supposed to meet my family on just Sunday and when I told my older brother, he was not happy about the situation he said and I quote “why am I meeting some guy you’ve only known for four weeks?” “this is a mistake” “the family has gone crazy” and then he deleted me from the family group chat πŸ˜‚bastard! He later explained that he was just looking out for me and he didn’t want me to get hurt, which I said was fair seeing as I have a tendency to be ghosted when I least expect it. He told me they didn’t deserve me then added me back to the group chat.

The Pirate and I discussed it and decided maybe it was too soon, after all my mum had also invited him to a smaller dinner with my parents my sister and her boyfriend and my youngest brother who he’s already met once very briefly. I told him that I was also having second thoughts about it as we are not officially in a relationship and I didn’t want to rush him, knowing what happened with his ex. 

They met on Tinder as well and the relationship quickly escalated so they were together officially within two months and by five months she told him she want to have some time on her own and that was that. He described it as being quite a shock and said he wasn’t expecting it and it affected him a lot. This may be why he holds his cards so close to his chest now… 

I told him I was happy with how things are right now and that I really liked him and I think he likes me too and if that’s the case that’s all that matters for now and that of course there will be plenty of time to meet the rest of the family. He said he really does like me too and really appreciated everything I said and we left at that. 

-Love, Autumn x

Texts from Mr X

I woke up to this text the day after I told Mr X about the pirate and these exchange of messages followed…

He didn’t reply…

It’s funny, I’ve thought about this moment a hundred times. The moment when things end between me and Mr X and I had no idea he’d care this much. I always thought it would be a “meh, we had fun it’s all good” response. He actually seems like he’s going to miss me… he’s actually saddened by it… who would’ve thought?

-Love, Autumn x

Exclusivity and my mistakeΒ 

Things have been going really well with the pirate but I have to continue reminding myself we havent known each other that long… 3.5 weeks. 

On that note, we became exclusive a couple days ago, but it wasn’t shrouded in all the happiness I wish it was. Nope, I hurt him instead…

So, we were talking about things we could do to potentially hurt each other, and themes of seeing other people came up. So I asked him if he was saying he wanted to be exclusive and he said yes. I wasn’t expecting that, but what really hit me was when he said-for me, that’s the only way it’s ever been since we met.

Swooooooon

That’s how it had been for me too, until earlier on that same night when I went to see Mr X.

This weekend was V Fest, a two day musical festival, which I went to with my sister and cousins. After the first day I realised festivals aren’t really for me, too many stupid people with no damn behaviour. If someone I really liked was performing I might consider it again. 

Anyways, Mr X lives in the area so I decided to leave early the second day and see him. It had been a while and I thought it would be nice to see his face. When I saw him standing in the doorway, I smiled, but I was forcing it a little, I wasn’t getting the usual feelssss. He asked if I wanted a drink then pulled out a cold can from the fridge and smiled and said see I put it in the fridge so it’s extra cold just how you like it. I laughed and said-you’re learning.

We went into the living room and I told him he was sitting in my seat, so he laughed and moved over. We were watching some documentary style programme, me sitting with my feet up and him leaning against me. He told me about the show and at one point leaned over and surprised me with a kiss. I didn’t get that intense I wanna rip your clothes off feeling I used to get. He started feeling me up but I told him I can’t and moved away from him. He didn’t question it, he just opened his arms and let me cuddle. And in his arms, I realised we had crossed over to “just friends” in my head and heart anyway. 

Remember I said- the true tell of how much I like someone will be if it will be worth losing Mr X over? It is.

So I went from kissing Mr X to being exclusive with the pirate. I know we weren’t exclusive at the time, but I couldn’t get past the feeling of guilt that I had. Especially when he said since he met me he hadn’t seen anyone else. Soo… I told him about Mr X. My cousins and sister told me I didn’t have to, but I didn’t want to start anything with him when I felt like this.

He was upset by it and hurt and we spent the entire day going back and forth messaging about the situation. I got the feeling he thought more might have happened between me and Mr X. We spoke about trust and how it’s hard on both of us. He said if we had been exclusive and I had kissed him, he would’ve had to walk away, which I understood and told him it would be the same for me. He did say he really appreciated me telling him even if it did hurt.

Later on, when things were winding down in the conversation he said it was a hard image to shake and he just wanted to forget about it, but he had one final question: why did it happen?

It was a difficult one to answer because in the moment I feel like it happened simply because I was there… Old habits die hard/ falling into our usual routine. Upon reflection, I told him that maybe it happened so I could be sure I was ready to move on from him. I didn’t get the usual feeling so I was convinced I was. The pirate seemed content with my response. We met up the next day and things felt like they were back to normal which made me really happy but…

Mr X…

I told the pirate what Mr X means to me, how much he’s changed my life etc… And he said he understood and has respect for him for what he’s helped me through, but we didn’t discuss if I would continue to see him. I told Mr X that I met someone who I really liked and that I felt guilty for kissing him that night. I told him he meant a lot to me and I didn’t wanna lose him as a friend. Mr X said he was happy for me and that I was an awesome girl and I wouldn’t ever lose him. I felt such relief flood through me but I’m not naive… I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, because I have this feeling that at some point I’m going to have to make a choice between the two of them and I think I’m falling for the pirate so it’s likely to be him…

-Love, Autumn 

My first dinner date & meeting the Pirate’s Band

I forgot I hadn’t written this post yet πŸ™Š

I’m just going to bullet point the dates because it was last week and I can’t remember everything. Oops!

Dinner Date

  • Definitely went well
  • Wasn’t awkward at all
  • Hated having the table between us lol, I’ve gotten so used to snuggling up next to him at a bar or pub or bench that he felt soo far away lol
  • We spoke over dinner, he fed me a bite of his- I tried pulled pork for the first time, it was alright.
  • We looked like such a cute couple if I don’t say so myself. I saw people looking at us and smiling as we held hands across the table.
  • There was a little girl at the table next to us who was so cute, I couldn’t stop looking over and he couldn’t either. He looked at her with that kind of longing- “I can’t wait to have my own” look.
  • He paid the bill, wouldn’t hear of splitting it. I told him he can’t expect to always pay for everything and that next time it was on me… He said no lol but agreed to at least split the next meal.
  • Went for a walk afterwards, arm in arm.
  • I am soooooo “in like” with the pirate, it’s ridiculous😩❀️



Meeting the band

  • Believe it or not I got there on time. Actually, I arrived for the dinner date on time too 😏 look who’s getting better at time keeping
  • I was soo happy to see him and brought him a little gift. It was nothing really just a charging phone case. His iPhone has battery issues just like mine and it’s always almost about to die by the time we meet up so I got him one.
  • He was soo excited by it and kept pulling it out of his pocket to look at it throughout the night and would say oh my God it’s charging… Look 10%… Ahh it’s at 37 πŸ˜… he was Sooo cute! He thanked me and kissed me 😍
  • I was so nervous about meeting his band mates it was ridiculous. I was clinging to his arm.
  • He bought me a drink, he was drinking water as he was driving me all the way home (over an hours drive from the venue).
  • He told me not to be nervous and that he’s told them all about me. I said what if they don’t like me? He said don’t be silly they’ll love you. Then I said what if they think I’m lame? And he laughed and kissed me.
  • When he asked if I was ready to go downstairs where the band was I hesitated but went with him. He held my hand as he introduced me to them.
  • They all seemed nice but there was a live band downstairs and it was loud so we couldn’t talk and have an actual conversation.
  • The pirate seemed nervous himself. Not about me meeting his friends but about the venue. It was small and he said it smelled a little damp downstairs. It was cute that he wanted to warn me- I didn’t think it smelled downstairs.
  • Because of the small room the music was extremely loud. The pirate had already given me earplugs to minimise the sound so it didn’t hurt my ears. He told me that they all wear them when performing in small spaces.
  • He was also nervous about me seeing the band, but he needn’t have been. I lovedd it! They were really good, soo talented and such a unique sound. I was sooo proud to be with him, his date that is.
  • Seriously I got all emotional when he started singing and my eyes welled up a little. The crowd loved them too.
  • When they were packing up this older gentleman started talking to me. πŸ˜‘ first about the band, how I know them etc.. Then if I’m a singing, I said no but he didn’t believe me lol the pirate doesn’t believe me either. Maybe I look like a singer πŸ€”
  • The guy spent the next 15 mins talking about how great south London is. I kept giving the pirate the eye to come save me lol. 
  • Later on I asked why he didn’t save me and he said- ohh I thought you were just looking at me. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ he needs to learn quickly!
  • He drove me home and we sang along to tunes on the radio. He kept muting the volume so he could hear me sing lol. 
  • I then played my own music which is super random- from sclub7 to disney, musical soundtracks like wicked, Rihanna, Ed Sheeran and Eminem.
  • When we got to my house, we made out in the car. I didn’t wanna leave. I love kissing him. I could kiss him forever 😩

I can’t wait to see him again, which will be tomorrow. He said that work has been late to pay him which is why he hasn’t asked me out again sooner. I told him we could do something inexpensive as I don’t care about what we do as long as I can see him and spend time with him. He was really happy about what I said but I honestly mean it. I’m not materialistic at all.  I may invite him over to hang out and watch a movie or something. Not gonna sleep with him for a while because 1) I’m not ready 2) I don’t want to until I know what we have is going to be something real, like it’s actually going somewhere 3) I’m scared about how much my feelings will intensify when they’re already quite intense.

1 more sleep ’til I’m in his arms again 😍

-Love, Autumn x

A glimpse of the magician

Yesterday, my cousin Summer and I went to do a viewing of this gorgeous 2 bed flat. Yeeeahh I’m moving out!! 😍

We were at London Bridge station when I saw him, with a petite young looking girl, my guess early twenties. They weren’t holding hands or anything just walking together towards the escalators and down they went.

When I first saw him my heart jumped into my throat and I stopped in my tracks and grabbed my cousins arm. I said omg Summer, that’s the magician wtf! She looked over and was like really?? That’s him? I nodded, not really moving for sheer fear that he might see me.

It’s weird how shaken I felt just by seeing him. London is a big place, I doubted I’d ever see him again. The unsettling feeling  remained for a few minutes while we walked away and I questioned what it all meant. Why was I so affected by him? I’m definitely over him, so maybe it was the shock of it. Who knows. I just hope I don’t see him again.

-Love, Autumn x

Mr X breaks his silence

Haven’t heard from Mr X since last Tuesday, today makes it a week. Today he messages me. Just a casual Hey, how you doing? message. Only it doesn’t feel casual. Immediately I start feeling anxious that he’s going to invite me over. If he does what will I say? I’m not ready to tell him about the pirate, it’s still early days with us, but it feels wrong to sleep with Mr X, because of how I feel about the pirate.

I know I don’t owe either of them anything, I’m still single after all. I just have a very strong conscience and I know I’d feel guilty about sleeping with Mr X now. My mum, sister and cousins are all #TeamPirate and have all in their own way said to sack it off with Mr X, but as I’ve said before, he means a lot to me and I still want him in my life, however selfish that may sound.

I think for now, I’ll just say I’m busy right now, which technically is true. I’ve got gym Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday and I’m seeing the pirate Wednesday and Friday. Fully booked this week, I’m afraid. As for next week I have Annual Leave on Monday and the pirate is trying to book the same day off so we can spend the day together, Tuesday is my cousin Summer’s birthday, Wednesday is gym, Thursday and Friday are free, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be seeing the pirate on one of those days.

The point to all this calendar sharing is that I schedule shit in advance and he doesn’t, and we know this about each other and try to make it work when we can. Soo… We’ll see what happens. I know I’ll have to say something to Mr X eventually, but I’ll wait until I feel like I really need to.

Please look at the flow of conversation between me and Mr X it’s weird it feels like he’s trying really hard to make conversation, it feels strained and I’m beginning to wonder if subconsciously I’ve changed our dynamic.



Strained? Or am I just overthinking things? I don’t know all I know is that I don’t like how it feels…

-Love, Autumn x